I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Monday, September 15, 2008

Six Weeks

Its been six weeks since I said hello/goodbye to my baby boy, Logan. How very different the last six weeks should have gone. I should have been at home with my baby boy. Sleepless night, breastfeeding, dirty diapers, cute clothes, singing lullabies, cuddling Logan, taking naps with him, taking walks, sharing him with others and everything else that new moms get to do. The good the bad I would take every minute of it. I would give anything for that to be my life right now. I would be enjoying my last week of maternity leave before returning to work. Sigh... Not to be. Rather today I woke up and was immediately reminded my arms are empty, my heart broken. I showered, got ready and went to my OB for my 6 wk appt. I asked him if a few things like if my water leaking and me not knowing, my BP spiking a week before the loss, if anything of these things correlated or showed a similarity. I am clinging to just about anything. Just please give me something to go on. He said that none of those were related and there was an explanation for all of that. GRRR!! I'm so frustrated. I have decided to schedule with high risk Dr's. I am scheduled to see them on October 24. I hope they have some test to try or some explanation or more importantly something I can do next time to increase my odds. I NEED ANSWERS!!!

All day I kept replaying what happened on August 4th. Every night when I close my eyes I picture the room, the day, the events that led me here once again. Then I fall asleep while crying into my pillow.

I went to see my therapist tonight and I told her that I am pretty sure I am in shock and that the full impact has not yet hit. If I am right and its this bad right now, how much worse will it get? I dread to think of whats to come. Its going to be a long road... and I see no hope, no light at the end. Just a long, long road...


Monica H said...

It absolutely be a long road and it will have it's kinks, but I pray that you find hope. It's there, you just have to seek it.

I wish things were easier.


Travelwahine said...

I hate that this happened to you. Absolutely hate it! I wish there were something I can say to comfort you. I am so sorry.

Both of your angels are beautiful. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.


mrsmuelly said...

Oh Manda, I'm so very sorry. It's hard to see that there is any hope...I know. Along with Monica, I pray that the hope finds its way back to you - in little, every day ways. I pray that your babies send you little reminders.

I'm glad that you've scheduled with the high risk doc. Maybe they will be more proactive about testing, maybe they will know more possibilities. I will pray that they find an explanation for you.

We are here to hold you up when you have no hope. Much love...

Meghan said...

I am so glad you have scheduled with a high risk dr. They were able to uncover what was really going on with me and why I kept having losses. I am so sorry you are going through this, I keep you in my prayers for comfort and peace.


Ya Chun said...

Hopefully the high risk Doc can help. Ask lots of questions. Take care of yourself, emotionally and physically.

Anonymous said...

it is a long road. i really owe a lot of the sanity that remains to bloggers on here. i think there is nothing that you can say that we will not understand. i am absolutely here if you ever want to chat. i had 3 crying fits this week. they leave me exhausted and weak. it's is awful. but i do have faith things will change. after my loss i never thouht i could smile again. and i did and i got pregnant again and had hope. i lost that baby as well, but this time around i 'know the ropes' and know that things will get better. to have gotten through this we are all strong women and that includes you.
big hugs

Chelsea Drew said...

It will be a long road... but think of all the people that are here to travel that road with you. We love you and will be here for you until the end!!!!

The Drews

Misty said...

Amanda, I am so sorry this has happened again. I can only imagine what you are feeling. I am so sorry honey.


Devon Rene said...

my heart is breaking for you.

i so often ask why two babies from one family. seems so unfair...it is unfair.

i will be reading through your blog some more but wanted to say i am so sorry. so, so sorry.

maybe my boys are dancing with your little angels.