I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Not much to say

I really dont have much to say. I am happy to be in my 19th week. Feeling good, emotions are up and down. Still loving my doppler which is just the reassurance I need right now. Baby girl is making her presence know more and more but I still havent been able to feel a kick on the outside, nor has her daddy. But she has given me a couple good pops here and there.

Another reason I dont have a lot to say is a very dear online deadbabymama that is pregnant with me (about 2 wks ahead) found out her little girl has Trisomy 13. Its not good news and I just cant stop thinking about her, her family and her precious little girl. She has had lightening strike twice now. I want to be there for her in anyway possible but at the sametime I remember the hurt of seeing others have what you want so badly. Its a catch 22 and so I have been quiet. So (((HUGS))) my dear friend!! I am just so sorry, there truly are no words JUST TEARS!!!

I leave you with a belly shot from 18.5 wks.....

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Bittersweet Day

Today has been a bittersweet day. At this time last year I was in full blown labor with Logan. But as we all know it wasn't an excited, joyous labor but rather just a get through this knowing that at the end once again we would say hello and goodbye to him at the same time. I really do believe that labor is harder and takes longer when the baby has passed. Logan was born at 9:18pm one year ago. WOW.. hard to believe its been a year... I remember so much of that day vividly as if it just happened yesterday. I went in for my weekly appointment and my OB couldn't find the heartbeat. I could tell he was worried and I was starting to cry when he put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me next door to the local hospital for an ultrasound. He said he could just be laying the wrong way, don't give up yet. They got me down right away and immediately the tech said I'm so sorry but there is no heartbeat. I broke into sobs, I really thought I would only hear those words once.. almost a year before when we lost Emma. But once again there were those awful words. They admitted me and took me up to a birthing room, the one I had been in just 4 days previous for Logan's non stress test and stress test. But this time there was no hearing the beautiful heartbeat... Logan Thomas Kellar born "sleeping" at 9:18 pm, 5 lbs 8 oz, 19 inches, perfect in every single way.. if he would have only taken a breath.

Today was filled with some new memories for August 4th. We had an ultrasound and the tech is pretty sure we are having a girl. A baby sister... Everything was great and perfect on the ultrasound. The tech just kept saying everything is wonderful, no problems, she is growing a bit ahead, placenta looked healthy and smooth. It was such a relief. I needed that so very badly especially today. The ultrasound was probably 25-30 minutes and she showed us every little thing about our little girl. Then we met with a new Dr and he too continued to reassure us and was very happy with all the results. He said its a victory for today and I said baby steps and he completely agreed. One week at a time...

So today I remember my precious Logan and the wonderful 9 months I had with him. I will miss and love him always!! But we also move forward with this current pregnancy and the hope that Emma/Logan's baby sister ~ Amelia Rose will come home!!

Profile shot of our little girl

A 3D shot of Amelia Rose

Monday, August 3, 2009

1 year

Tomorrow is Logan's 1 year anniversary. Hard to believe that last year at this time I was having my last moments with my precious baby boy. I miss him very much but I feel that I am better handling his one year than I did Emma's. Although a big part of that could be the fact that I was also grieving the loss of Logan at the same time and everything was compounded. Or perhaps this new LO in my belly is helping me find some peace as well. Either way though I have had my rough moments over the last month/week and I know I will probably have a moment or two tomorrow as well. I really cant believe that its been a year since we said hello and goodbye to our little boy. MOMMY LOVES YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!