My Life-Saver

This little device is such lifesaver for me right now. Anytime I get the slightest panic or a full on "freak out" I just lay down, find the baby's heartbeat and marvel at the sound. It is truly the best sound in the world right now!! Thank you my dear Liesel for allowing me to borrow this wonderful Doppler!! Its giving me some peace of mind and calm when not much else is. So there's that. Still taking it one day at a time!!

On another note a fellow deadbaby mama had her daughter by emergency c-sec on Sunday @ 29 wks. She noticed a decrease in kicks (as she was regularly doing her kick counts) and went to the hospital.. this is what saved her precious little girl. Kick counts are SO IMPORTANT!! She is holding her own for now but she has a long road. Keep them in your thoughts!!

And its my parents 30th anniversary today!! Happy Anniversary Dad & Mom...way to go!!

16 weeks ~ 4 months

Well I have made it 4 months by the end of this week. In 2 weeks at my next OB check and ultrasound I will be 1/2 thru this pregnancy (b/c they will most likely take this little one by c-sec/ or induce me @ 37 wks). WOW!! That's a good feeling. I am still nervous but just for today I am trying to enjoy what is happening. Speaking of that, a wonderful friend of mine, love ya Liesel sent me her Doppler to use while prego. I have been able to find the heartbeat 2x so far. I am trying not to go overboard with using it all the time. But last night I just marveled at my baby's good strong heartbeat in the mid 150's. I must say that is the BEST SOUND IN THE WORLD!! I recorded it on my phone so I can just play it back every once in awhile. Then as I was falling asleep I felt my first definite "flutters". As if this LO was saying I'm in here and I'm ok mom. I do love those first flutters and cant wait till I get some good kicks and Tommy can feel it as well!!

My emotions are up and down so I went to a chiropractor/nutritionist that deals with emotions and I do feel better after seeing him. I wish I could go to him every couple of weeks but since he is almost 2 hrs away that's a little hard. But I will go as often as I can. Its amazing how things in your past can effect your thoughts now and you don't even realize it. I really do feel "lighter" after seeing him... at least till the next major freak out. LOL

On another note I am quickly approaching the 1 yr mark for my precious baby boy Logan. Its hard to believe that last year at this time I was 8.5 months pregnant and getting all ready for him. Its sad but at the same time I feel a certain peace about it as well. I miss him terribly as well as his big sister and I will always have pieces of me missing. But I also know that letting go a bit is good for me and this new LO. In fact the ultrasound where we will hopefully find out boy/girl is on August 4th (Logan 1 yr). I scheduled that without even realizing but again I think its a good thing. A moving forward and yet remembering as well. I love you Emma/Logan and miss you both very much!!!

Meet Baby #3- Appt Update

Meet Baby # 3 @ 12 wks and 3 days. He/she is measuring bigger and about a week ahead. That is big news b/c Emma/Logan both were very small for their gestational age. Which the Dr felt was b/c of my placenta not being as healthy from day one and then combine the clotting issue and well its not good. So measuring a bit bigger for me was exciting. Also all of my testing for downs/ trimsomy and other chromosome problems came back negative. More good news. And I am also happy to say I am in my 2nd trimester. So 1 down and 2 to go. I can do this just focus on one day at a time and BREATHE!!

The shots are already just a "part of my day". The needle doesn't hurt for the most part but the medicine does burn and in some areas more than others. If this works it will be worth every single prick and burn... My mom keeps saying this baby better appreciate what you have done for it one day. I just hope I get the chance to tell him/her how much they meant to me and that I would have done ANYTHING for them. I will have another ultrasound on Aug 4th and if baby is cooperating we should find out the sex at that point. I don't care either way, but I want to know. Also I know its early but I am feeling little flutters randomly from this little one as well. I cant wait till I definitely know he/she is in there w/ a good kick or punch but for now just enjoying the flutters and tickles...

Most days I feel really good and optimistic about this pregnancy and this baby.. But those bad memories and what ifs still linger on other days. I'm already so in love w/ this little one, it amazes me the attachment you feel especially once you see them on an ultrasound and they look like a baby rather than a bean. And its amazing to think that you get to have the privilege and joy to carry him/her. I just hope my body and me can keep this little one safe until they are safe in my arms...

12 WEEKS ~ YAY!!!

I am 12 weeks today. Next week I will start my second trimester. YAY!!! One almost down and 2 to go. I can do this. BABY STEPS... One day at a time.

I have another ultrasound of Tuesday. I'm excited to see how much this little one has changed in the past month. From a little kidney bean to looking more like a little person. I'll try to post after my appt but I am going to be out of town for a couple days so might not be until the end of the week.

MIA AGAIN... CATCHING UP

WOW.. I knew I hadn't posted in awhile but didn't realize that it had been over 2 months. Guess I def have some catching up to do. I was rereading my last post at the beginning of April and how at the end I said I hoped that month was our month. Well it turns out it was. I know many of you already know but yes we are pregnant and due January 2010 although more than likely we will have our little one in December sometime. April was a happy and stressful month all at the same time. On the 24th I was unexpectedly laid off from work with no promise of a return. I was scheduled for AF the next day or two. I remember thinking on one hand I hope we aren't pregnant b/c that brings up so many issues with not working, need insurance etc. But on the other hand I kept thinking that if we aren't we would be waiting to TTC once again for who knows how long and that was really hard to deal with.

I waited till Sunday to test, I thought I saw a faint line but then talked myself out of it. Tuesday rolled around and still no AF, so I took another test and this time there was a definite second line. I pulled out the first test and the pink line was definitely darker on the 2nd test. I was excited and scared at the same time. I knew DH and myself would be stressing about not only the pregnancy but insurance and everything else. We both were mostly just in shock at first and holding our breath to see if this one would "stick" so to speak. I saw my regular OB and he scheduled an ultrasound to check for viability and a heartbeat. I had that on May 22, at 7 wks 6 days. Our bean was on there moving around and more importantly a good strong heartbeat. I was so relieved. After the ultrasound we started to tell family and some friends. Then on June 9th I finally met with the high risk Dr's (I had a consult w/ them back in Oct.) They had me start on injections of Lovenox 2x a day right away. I was also very happy and impressed b/c before I could even ask "What the plan this time?" he lined it out, especially the big weeks and what type of testing and so forth we will have this time. I told him emotionally I cant make it to 40 wks and he said the furthest he would ever let me go is 39, I said that's still too much, how about 36/37 wks. He said earliest he would like to do anything is 37. Do an amino to check the lungs and then be induced or c-sec. At this point I am thinking c-sec just b/c it takes more things out of the equation for problems such as when in labor. But I also feel very confident in the 3 Dr's I will see and that they will do what is best for me and our baby. I am still so scared but for now I will take it a day at a time and rely on the Dr's.

So I knew that I was going to have to do these self injections 2x a day during this pregnancy and was really nervous b/c I HATE NEEDLES!! The first one I shook, cried and think I even closed my eyes when I put the needle in. LOL But I did it and 6 days later its getting easier and easier. Its just a part of my day now. 8am & 8pm- numb w/ ice, inject and more ice b/c the medicine BURNS... I know it is for a good reason and that makes it easier too. I am 11wks and 3 days today. I will have an ultrasound in 1 week to check for chromosome abnormalities ect. Cant wait to see out little one again...

When I found out we were expecting again I debated on whether I should start a separate blog but I ultimately have decided that I will continue to post on this one about this rainbow baby as well. Emma, Logan and this LO are all intertwined and one wouldn't exist without the other so to speak. So this blog will be a place to share all my feelings whether it be this new LO, or my babies that aren't with me...

8X8 All about Me!

I've been tagged by Mrsmuelly @ The Chronicles of Incompetent Cervix

I did this on Tuesday the 16th but forgot to post. Silly me... Enjoy...

THE RULES:
Mention who tagged you.
Complete the list of 8's.
Tag 8 other people.

8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:
~Having an ultrasound in one week
~Moving into my 2nd trimester
~Having a bit more energy... I am so TIRED
~Finding out if this little one is a boy or girl

~Feeling the first flutters and kicks from this little one

~December and meeting this little one and bringing him/her home

~As much as I love being pregnant, when this one is over.. and baby is safe in our arms

~Seeing Tommy with this little one.....

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY:
~Slept in till 11- life of being on unemployment

~Had lunch w/ my neighbors (she is 10 wks further than me) Burgers, fries and strawberries...

~Gave myself my shots- 2x

~Watched TV

~Read

~Talked to my mom on the phone

~Took a nap... I know I had a rough day

~Helped Tommy water all our flowers and his garden, everything is beautiful!!

8 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO:
~Have Emma/Logan here with me now.. Man would I have my hands full

~Go on a vacation- beach, sun, warm

~Have enough money to fix our house.. kitchen, bathroom, new carpet...

~Know that at the end of this pregnancy that I WILL bring home this rainbow baby!!

~Figure out if I need to work or can stay home the rest of this pregnancy

~Travel with my hubby

~Go to sleep and wake up with our baby in my arms...skip the worry and anxiety filled months to come.

~Not worry and stress about the outcome of this pregnancy...

8 SHOWS I WATCH:
Grey's Anatomy
Desperate Housewives
The Bachelorette

Scrubs

Private Practice

The Next Food Network Star

Wipeout- With Tommy for a good laugh

Rachel Ray...

8 FAVORITE FOODS:
~Tacos

~Fresh fruit in season- strawberries/blueberries/blackberries/grapes/pineapple/watermelon

~Cookies- chocolate chip or craizen oatmeal

~Tomato soup and grilled cheese

~Banana

~Twice baked potatoes

~Sunchips

~Pickles

Ok so now I'm hungry...

8 PLACES I'VE TRAVELLED:
Japan

Mexico

Jamaica

Grand Cayman

South Dakota

Florida

North Carolina

Oklahoma

8 PLACES I'D LIKE TO TRAVEL:
Australia
Italy
Greece
New Zealand
Morocco
Spain
England

Hawaii

8 PEOPLE I'VE TAGGED:

Toni at Toni Conrad

Jamie at Chicks in Our Nest

Monica at Knocked Up, Knocked Down

Jodi at Life is Now

Chelsea at The Drews

Elizabeth at The Paynes

Jenell at Our Rainbow After the Storm

Shannon at In Loving Memory of Tristan

Your turn! Tell me all about it :-)

DREAM...

I had a very vivid dream last night, so much so that when I first awoke I had to figure out if it was real or not. I don’t remember all the specifics but I do now that I had a baby boy in it and it wasn’t Logan. I couldn’t see any distinct facial features but I knew he was mine. And at some point in the dream someone asked what he weighed and I said 4 lbs 1 oz. I cant remember specifically but I’m pretty sure he was early and defiantly a preemie at that size. I know my mom was in the dream and I think my grandma too. I don’t remember too much else but I know I was happy. Then I awoke and realized it was all a dream and it just set the tone for the rest of the day to be a tough one. I cried in the shower and several times at work as well. Yesterday was 19 months since Emma was born sleeping and Saturday will be 8 months without Logan. Once again I thought that by now I would be prego again and although each anniversary would be hard that somehow it would be easier to cope knowing there was a new life growing inside me. But that’s just a dream right now too. I feel like a broken record… I wanna be pregnant, I wanna be a mom to a living, breathing baby, I don’t want to be sad ALL THE TIME, I want to feel “normal” again. I JUST WANT WHAT SEEMS TO COME SO EASY TO EVERYONE ELSE!! A BABY!!

On a different note, I am going to see a different Dr next week. He is a chiropractor but also deals with emotional/nutritional things as well. My cousin who had a late miscarriage @ 19 wks a year or so ago, went to him b/c she was having a really hard time dealing with everything. He really helped her and she feels that he will be able to do the same for me. I REALLY hope she is right, b/c I need to find a way to deal with this better than I am now, and I WONT go back on an antidepressant. Not that I have a problem with them, but for me they just don’t do the trick. So anyway… I really hope this Dr. K can do something/anything for me. A little over a week and I’ll know one way or another. I keep trying to tell myself that the longer I wait to get prego the better it will be. My body will be more prepared. But I think it’s had long enough… time to get this show on the road. Time for a BFP and OUR rainbow!!! PLEASE LET APRIL BE OUR MONTH!!