25 1/2 wks... 12 or less to go!!

I am happy to say I am 25 1/2 wks as of today!! We had a really good report at the Dr's last week. For one we are definitely having another little girl :D and secondly Amelia was 1 lb 13 oz. Which they said is in the 57th percentile so they were happy all around. I was thrilled to hear she was that size b/c Emma at 31 wks was only 2 lbs. 3 oz. So seems as though the shots are doing there job. My appointments have been moved to every 2 wks. Mostly for my own sanity. Amelia is starting to be very active certain times of the day mostly morning (when I want to sleep in) but I am so happy and grateful for every kick and movement. We have less than 12 weeks to go until we can meet our little girl.. I know that doesn't seem like that long but some days it feels like an eternity. But once again just taking things a week at a time and every time we get a good report from the Drs. I feel a bit better as well. I even managed to buy her a bathrobe and a little outfit w/ cherries on it. And I am thinking that next week it is time to pack up all the boy stuff and re access what we have. WHEW.... I feel really good this time BUT there is always that lingering doubt in the back of my mind. DH has started to talk about Amelia and all the things he is looking forward to doing with her. I want to go there but am afraid. But just for today I will be happy to be this far :D

Two Years...

WOW.. can it really be 2 years since all of this craziness began that has now become my "normal"?!? Two years ago I awoke with a bad feeling.. Emma was always one to not let me sleep in because she was hungry but this morning I awoke at 10am. I laid in bed poking my belly waiting for her to respond with a kick. NOTHING.. I don't remember how long I waited but I called the hospital (b/c it was a Saturday) and started crying just trying to get the words out to the nurse. She said just come on over and we will check everything out, its probably nothing. I also remembering sitting in the office downstairs getting registered. I was 31 wks so I wasn't yet registered for when I would give birth. I answered all these questions and just hoped in the back of my mind that everything would be ok. They got me upstairs and down for monitoring right away. And then it started... The nurse had trouble finding Emma's heartbeat, several nurses tried but to no avail. After the first 10 minutes they tried to get ahold of my OB but he was out of town, so the on call Dr was called instead. After 30 minutes of them trying I just new that something was terribly wrong. My fears were confirmed when the on call Dr, Dr. M did an ultrasound and had to tell me there was no heartbeat. I am so sorry! I lost it, broke down in tears... how could everything go so wrong so quickly. I had a perfect pregnancy with no problems and then BOOM she was gone. The rest of the day was a blur, I was induced and at 7:22 pm our firstborn, our perfect 2 lb 3 oz baby girl Emma LaRue was born. We said hello and goodbye at the same time on that awful day 2 years ago today.

Two years, 2 pregnancies, 2 losses and now expecting our 3rd child, holding my breath that this time is the "charm" and this little girl comes home. But no matter how much confidence I have in my Drs and their "plan" this time there is always the fear and dread of being in this same place yet again. I want to get excited and buy cute little girl outfits, and get her room all ready BUT I am frozen with fear.. I cant go through having to pack up all that stuff once again!! I am trying to just focus on the fact that I am still pregnant and she is almost viable. One week at a time...

Emma my love you will always be my firstborn. I will never forget all the "firsts" I experienced while pregnant with you. I am so thankful to have loved and carried you for the 31 wks I did. I will always miss you!

Not much to say

I really dont have much to say. I am happy to be in my 19th week. Feeling good, emotions are up and down. Still loving my doppler which is just the reassurance I need right now. Baby girl is making her presence know more and more but I still havent been able to feel a kick on the outside, nor has her daddy. But she has given me a couple good pops here and there.

Another reason I dont have a lot to say is a very dear online deadbabymama that is pregnant with me (about 2 wks ahead) found out her little girl has Trisomy 13. Its not good news and I just cant stop thinking about her, her family and her precious little girl. She has had lightening strike twice now. I want to be there for her in anyway possible but at the sametime I remember the hurt of seeing others have what you want so badly. Its a catch 22 and so I have been quiet. So (((HUGS))) my dear friend!! I am just so sorry, there truly are no words JUST TEARS!!!

I leave you with a belly shot from 18.5 wks.....

Bittersweet Day

Today has been a bittersweet day. At this time last year I was in full blown labor with Logan. But as we all know it wasn't an excited, joyous labor but rather just a get through this knowing that at the end once again we would say hello and goodbye to him at the same time. I really do believe that labor is harder and takes longer when the baby has passed. Logan was born at 9:18pm one year ago. WOW.. hard to believe its been a year... I remember so much of that day vividly as if it just happened yesterday. I went in for my weekly appointment and my OB couldn't find the heartbeat. I could tell he was worried and I was starting to cry when he put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me next door to the local hospital for an ultrasound. He said he could just be laying the wrong way, don't give up yet. They got me down right away and immediately the tech said I'm so sorry but there is no heartbeat. I broke into sobs, I really thought I would only hear those words once.. almost a year before when we lost Emma. But once again there were those awful words. They admitted me and took me up to a birthing room, the one I had been in just 4 days previous for Logan's non stress test and stress test. But this time there was no hearing the beautiful heartbeat... Logan Thomas Kellar born "sleeping" at 9:18 pm, 5 lbs 8 oz, 19 inches, perfect in every single way.. if he would have only taken a breath.

Today was filled with some new memories for August 4th. We had an ultrasound and the tech is pretty sure we are having a girl. A baby sister... Everything was great and perfect on the ultrasound. The tech just kept saying everything is wonderful, no problems, she is growing a bit ahead, placenta looked healthy and smooth. It was such a relief. I needed that so very badly especially today. The ultrasound was probably 25-30 minutes and she showed us every little thing about our little girl. Then we met with a new Dr and he too continued to reassure us and was very happy with all the results. He said its a victory for today and I said baby steps and he completely agreed. One week at a time...

So today I remember my precious Logan and the wonderful 9 months I had with him. I will miss and love him always!! But we also move forward with this current pregnancy and the hope that Emma/Logan's baby sister ~ Amelia Rose will come home!!

Profile shot of our little girl

A 3D shot of Amelia Rose

1 year

Tomorrow is Logan's 1 year anniversary. Hard to believe that last year at this time I was having my last moments with my precious baby boy. I miss him very much but I feel that I am better handling his one year than I did Emma's. Although a big part of that could be the fact that I was also grieving the loss of Logan at the same time and everything was compounded. Or perhaps this new LO in my belly is helping me find some peace as well. Either way though I have had my rough moments over the last month/week and I know I will probably have a moment or two tomorrow as well. I really cant believe that its been a year since we said hello and goodbye to our little boy. MOMMY LOVES YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!

Memories from Last Year At This Time

In the past few weeks I have been remembering my times with Logan. I have decided to by date record some of those memories.

Saturday, July 12- Friends/family had thrown a coed baby shower for us. We had so much fun and I remember that night and the next day just looking through all the gifts and getting so excited to meet our little man.

Friday, July 25- My work threw me a surprise baby shower. I had no idea and was so stunned I started to cry. They were all so generous and many of them went together and purchased my glider and ottoman I had wanted so badly. All the gifts barely fit into my car. After work that I day I headed down to Pittsburgh for a weekend with Tommy's aunt and a baby shower for a friend that was prego with her rainbow baby boy as well.

Saturday, July 26- Chrissy's baby shower. She had a difficult pregnancy and went on bed rest early on. She was just past 34 wks and had been released from bed rest and was able to attend her shower. Our other friend Michelle was also prego w/ her rainbow baby boy Vinny. We were all due about 1-1.5 wks apart. And our other good friend was at the shower with her little rainbow miracle Lilly who was 2 months old. We all couldn't get enough of here. I remember holding Lilly and Logan kicking and going crazy at first but then they both settled down and feel asleep. What an amazing feeling- a baby inside and holding a baby as well.

A picture of all us girls. We were all so happy and excited!!

After the shower I went back to Tommy's aunts and we decided to go see Mamma Mia at the theater. I really enjoyed the movie and all the music. Logan was "dancing" and moving to the music as well. I just sat w/ my hand on my belly feeling his every move and just felt so happy and content. That's one of my best memories while prego with him.

Monday, July 28- I went for my weekly OB check w/ Dr. M. My BP had spiked a bit and he decided to have me work only 1/2 days at work and then as long as I went home and rested I could finish my day at home. It made me a little nervous but I trusted him and knew we were so close. I also was scheduled for my first NST that Thursday. Work was so cooperative and just wanted me and Logan to be ok. (Looking back a year later, I should have taken that as the first warning sign that something wasn't right- my BP spiked the week before we lost Emma as well. Turns out with both of them I was probably developing preeclampsia and didn't even know it.)

Thursday, July 31-I had my NST at 2pm. I didn't really know what to expect since I had never made it this far with Emma. They hooked up the heart monitor for Logan and then monitored if I was having any contractions as well. About an hr passed and the nurses brought me ice chips and OJ, Logan wasn't moving as much as they would have liked but I could ALWAYS hear his heartbeat loud and clear. Another hour and half and he still wasn't responding they way they wanted. My OB was at the hospital getting ready to do a c-sec and came in and said if it was any other patient he would just send them home but b/c of my history and my nerves he said he was willing to do a Stress Test (give me Pitocin to start some contractions and see how Logan's heart rate responded) if there was the slightest drop- he would do an emergency c-sec that night. They hooked up the Pitocin and it took awhile for anything to happen. It also turned out the it was Tommy's 38 b-day that day, and the whole time we were pregnant he would say how neat it would be if Logan and him shared a b-day. As I lay there waiting and listening to Logan's heartbeat I just couldn't imagine him coming that night. I didn't feel prepared, I still had his bag to finish packing and the nursery wasn't organized. I think I was more focused on that then the fact that I was 37 wks, he was full term and I could have had him that night. He would be here in my arms right now. Why did I worry about being ready? That's not what mattered. Finally after 5-6 contractions the nurse said he did ok and that Dr. M said to stop the Pitocin and I could go home. Why didn't I just say NO.. I want to have the c-sec or just continue the Pitocin? He most likely would have been perfectly fine and healthy. But instead I let them stop the Pitocin, and discharge me and I went home. Little did I know I would never hear my little boys heartbeat again....

Ok I'm rather drained I'll write the rest of this another day...

My Life-Saver

This little device is such lifesaver for me right now. Anytime I get the slightest panic or a full on "freak out" I just lay down, find the baby's heartbeat and marvel at the sound. It is truly the best sound in the world right now!! Thank you my dear Liesel for allowing me to borrow this wonderful Doppler!! Its giving me some peace of mind and calm when not much else is. So there's that. Still taking it one day at a time!!

On another note a fellow deadbaby mama had her daughter by emergency c-sec on Sunday @ 29 wks. She noticed a decrease in kicks (as she was regularly doing her kick counts) and went to the hospital.. this is what saved her precious little girl. Kick counts are SO IMPORTANT!! She is holding her own for now but she has a long road. Keep them in your thoughts!!

And its my parents 30th anniversary today!! Happy Anniversary Dad & Mom...way to go!!