Six Weeks

Its been six weeks since I said hello/goodbye to my baby boy, Logan. How very different the last six weeks should have gone. I should have been at home with my baby boy. Sleepless night, breastfeeding, dirty diapers, cute clothes, singing lullabies, cuddling Logan, taking naps with him, taking walks, sharing him with others and everything else that new moms get to do. The good the bad I would take every minute of it. I would give anything for that to be my life right now. I would be enjoying my last week of maternity leave before returning to work. Sigh... Not to be. Rather today I woke up and was immediately reminded my arms are empty, my heart broken. I showered, got ready and went to my OB for my 6 wk appt. I asked him if a few things like if my water leaking and me not knowing, my BP spiking a week before the loss, if anything of these things correlated or showed a similarity. I am clinging to just about anything. Just please give me something to go on. He said that none of those were related and there was an explanation for all of that. GRRR!! I'm so frustrated. I have decided to schedule with high risk Dr's. I am scheduled to see them on October 24. I hope they have some test to try or some explanation or more importantly something I can do next time to increase my odds. I NEED ANSWERS!!!

All day I kept replaying what happened on August 4th. Every night when I close my eyes I picture the room, the day, the events that led me here once again. Then I fall asleep while crying into my pillow.

I went to see my therapist tonight and I told her that I am pretty sure I am in shock and that the full impact has not yet hit. If I am right and its this bad right now, how much worse will it get? I dread to think of whats to come. Its going to be a long road... and I see no hope, no light at the end. Just a long, long road...