Results...Frustration... Moving Forward

So the results are back... All normal, all negative. WHAT? I should be happy that I'm ok and don't have a clotting disorder. But here I am back at the "beginning", no answers and still in the dark as to why I have had not one but two stillborns. When the nurse called me I said Really? And she says that's good news, right. I said yeah I guess but frustrated and back at same place I was. I just wanted a reason, something to explain why they both were lost. But it wasn't to be. I got off the phone and the tears came. I guess we may never know exactly what happened. After work I went to my parents and just my dad was home. We sat and talked for a bit. It was nice to see him. I text my mom and told her the results and how I was very frustrated. She called me right away and calmed me down and made me feel a bit better. We talked about how Dr. T said that no matter what my results we would treat as if I have a clotting problem as a precaution. Then she said something really interesting. Her and my dad have been doing all sorts of research and even went so far as to check into complications from birth control. They came across a mention of it possibly at time causing thromophilia or clotting problems. She isn't saying that is what happened. But she has a really interesting theory. What if I did react or have a problem with something in my birth control that I was on before we got pregnant with Emma. And maybe it did cause a clotting issue but as time passes it gets better and maybe that is why I carried Emma to 31 wks, then Logan to 37 wks. and maybe next time it'll be ok. I realize that I will probably never know for sure but maybe I'll find some research or someone will read this and say something they know about it. Who knows? In reality we will probably never know exactly and I may have to live with what happened and not knowing the rest of my life. SIGH... Just another thing...

On a different note a fellow deadbabymamma lost again. She was pregnant with twin baby girls and due to an incompetent cervix she lost them. I feel so bad for Jenelle and Rob. I know all too well what they are facing. Her blog felt as though the words were written by me. I just really hope that we both get our rainbow babies one day along with all my other mamma's that have loved and lost. (((HUGS))) to all of you!