I feel like I have multiple personalities lately. Not in the “crazy” way, but just in the sense that I have to put on this particular “face” that everything is ok, fine and dandy. I put on this “face” every morning when I leave the house and for anyone that see’s me that is who/what they see. I am kind, friendly even jovial at times. But deep down the other person (the deadbabymamma me) is hurting and all she wants to do it crawl back in bed, pull the covers over my head and wake up when I have my rainbow in my arms kicking/screaming. I miss the old me- the me that was a pretty happy, all around nice person. I used to smile by choice and generally enjoyed life. But anymore it just seems as though EVERYTHING is a reminder of what I don’t have. I remember after both losses the acute pain I would have even just going to the grocery store. Seeing all the families, moms, pregnant ladies etc, I would rush around and try to get out of there as quickly as possible. Well I seem to be back to that anxious, overwhelming feeling once again. All I can see is what I am missing- the 18.5 month old, Emma and the 7.5 month old, Logan. Wow- I would certainly have my hands full. Instead I can run around and do whatever I please b/c there is no one else there to worry about. SIGH… In my mind at this point I thought for sure I would be prego again. Scared/nervous but baking another little one. But no, that isn’t the case either. Instead I plaster on a smile and pretend I am “OK”. But as soon as I am alone in my office, or the bathroom or even in bed at night, watch out b/c out comes the other me along with tears. I really do believe that I have cried more tears in the past 1.5 years of my life than in my almost 27 yrs of life. Buckets and buckets full… I feel as though I am always right on the edge of completely losing it. I just heard a fellow deadbabymamma had a perfect beautiful baby boy last week and I am so happy for her. She deserves all the happiness in the world. And for just a second it give me hope that maybe one day I will be one of the “it can happen” stories. I just hope that I can weather my multiple personalities until then.
I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger
5 comments:
Oh Manda,
Of course your heart is in pain. You loved those babies. They are your dreams and future. They are gone. No one can ask you to just go on and be happy. My heart aches for you. I pray that you are holding your rainbow baby soon. It is so hard to look around and see so many babies/families and you are wanting it so bad.
I check on you periodically because I worry about you. I know my daughter only wanted to sleep her life away after losing her 2 sons. She even wanted to sleep away her rainbow babies pregnancy because the stress was too much on some days.
You are a precious women of God and you are beautiful. Tommy loves you and would do anything to make you happy. Here you are hurting and I am sure he is hurting as well. I hope the two of you can turn to each other and help each other.
Hugs and I am praying for you.
Dillon's Nana
I think there may always be the multiple personality person. I feel the exact same way. I put on a different face to "protect" those around me. I get it! You can be whichever personality you want with me - I promise.
I'm so very sorry that you have to go through all this. Just know that I will be here, standing by, and cheering/crying/yelling all the way. Much love to you.
I don't necessarily think you have multiple personalities or "faces". I think those are all some form of you and you morph into whomever you need to be to protect you from the outside world. Mrs. M said she thinks it's you protecting others but I think it's almost easier for you to appear happy so you don't have to have them feeling sorry or worrying about you. It's one less thing to worry about in your sea of worry.
That being said, be as many people as you need to be. Whatever helps you get through the day. This is about you and your journey to the other side, not them.
I totally get what you are saying. I feel as though I have multiple personalities too. Our families have been really supportive, but I know that they don't want to hear about the pain. Especially after almost 18 months. I hate having to pretend that everything OK! Great! Fantastic! because no one really wants to know - or understands the truth.
- Kate
I totally relate to this. I feel like I put on my gameface every time I leave the house. I think most people would think I am "better". But I don't think that's possible to be better. We are just different now.
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