Results...Frustration... Moving Forward

So the results are back... All normal, all negative. WHAT? I should be happy that I'm ok and don't have a clotting disorder. But here I am back at the "beginning", no answers and still in the dark as to why I have had not one but two stillborns. When the nurse called me I said Really? And she says that's good news, right. I said yeah I guess but frustrated and back at same place I was. I just wanted a reason, something to explain why they both were lost. But it wasn't to be. I got off the phone and the tears came. I guess we may never know exactly what happened. After work I went to my parents and just my dad was home. We sat and talked for a bit. It was nice to see him. I text my mom and told her the results and how I was very frustrated. She called me right away and calmed me down and made me feel a bit better. We talked about how Dr. T said that no matter what my results we would treat as if I have a clotting problem as a precaution. Then she said something really interesting. Her and my dad have been doing all sorts of research and even went so far as to check into complications from birth control. They came across a mention of it possibly at time causing thromophilia or clotting problems. She isn't saying that is what happened. But she has a really interesting theory. What if I did react or have a problem with something in my birth control that I was on before we got pregnant with Emma. And maybe it did cause a clotting issue but as time passes it gets better and maybe that is why I carried Emma to 31 wks, then Logan to 37 wks. and maybe next time it'll be ok. I realize that I will probably never know for sure but maybe I'll find some research or someone will read this and say something they know about it. Who knows? In reality we will probably never know exactly and I may have to live with what happened and not knowing the rest of my life. SIGH... Just another thing...

On a different note a fellow deadbabymamma lost again. She was pregnant with twin baby girls and due to an incompetent cervix she lost them. I feel so bad for Jenelle and Rob. I know all too well what they are facing. Her blog felt as though the words were written by me. I just really hope that we both get our rainbow babies one day along with all my other mamma's that have loved and lost. (((HUGS))) to all of you!

Special "Gift"

I found an amazing blog with a special "gift" for mommies and daddies who have lost their little ones, thanks to Monica .

The blog/site is here: "To Write Their Names in the Sand" . And they do just that. So thank you for my special "gift".

Emma LaRue

Born "sleeping" on September 1, 2007 at 31 weeks

Logan Thomas

Born "sleeping" on August 4th 2008 at 37 weeks

Daddy & Mommy miss and love you both so very much! XOXOXO

Special Thank you to Carly & Sam (from Australia),
for remembering our little ones.

Emma LaRue and Logan Thomas

I have my hope back. I met an amazing high risk Dr. who was FINALLY able to give us answers. Dr. T comes in and immediately he says wow you have been through so much, I am so sorry. Oh by the way my mom was with me. We were both impressed that he acknowledged that first thing. He then went on to take about my pregnancy with Emma and right away he says your daughter did not pass b/c of a "true knot". Knots alone are not fatal to babies. WHAT??? For over a year I have believed that a "knot" took my precious Emma from us. He went on to explain that it was also a placental problem. He explained the cord like a fire hose and that even if the hose get a knot, water can still get through. Same is true with Emma. What did cause the problem is I had a bad placenta with multiple infarcts and micro clots. My placenta was unhealthy from day one. He also believes that had I gone any further with Emma I would have developed preeclampsia. He explained there are 4 major obstetric disasters that can happen. I have 3 out of the 4 that have happened to me. He also explained that Emma birth weight of 2lbs, 3 oz was about a month behind where she should have been. All of these point to placental problems. And the same goes for my pregnancy with Logan. Ok so what do we do?

First Dr. T is 80% positive that I DO have a clotting problem its just a lot more complicated than the basic ones I was tested for already. The clotting problem that he believes i have is not tested by most Dr's. It is something new and b/c they are a high risk associates hey deal with it all the time. The Latin term he used is "thromophilia" which means clotting lover. So basically with this problem all the odds were against me with both pregnancies. So then I ask the obvious question.

CAN I GET PREGNANT AGAIN? YES. What will we do next time so that we have a healthy, LIVING baby? First step is more blood work to confirm what he believes. And regardless of what comes back next time I will have to do shots of Lovenox 2x per day in the belly. He also feels that I have MTHFR- which means that I need additional folic acid possibly for the rest of my life, not while just pregnant. I will be monitored constantly. And if they feel there is the slightest problem, they will give me the shots to develop the babies lungs and take him/her by c-section asap. He has every confidence that we will get our baby. He even had agreed to work with my current local OB, so that I have someone close as well.

So then I asked what his recommendation is for when we can try again. He said he had a below the chin answer and an above the chin answer. The above the chin, my body is ready in 3 months. But with everything else we have gone through he recommends 6-12 months. I was ok with hearing that, b/c well 3 months would be next week and I don't feel that I am ready. So waiting is ok, at least for today. Tomorrow I might feel different but that is the road of being a deadbabymomma.

So Tommy and I talked last night and I asked him to give serious consideration to trying at the end of February, beginning of March. If we get pregnant right away again, that would put our due date November/December 2009. He said he will give it a lot of thought. He also asked that I try to get myself back into shape while we wait. At first I took his comment as hurtful, even though I know he didn't mean it that way. But I have had sometime to think and I know he is right. So its time to focus on me and taking care of myself so that i can be in better shape for when we do get pregnant again.

So I have a glimmer of hope. And that is a good thing. I want to say thank you to so many of my fellow deadbabymommas who had suggestions as far as seeing a specialist and so forth. If I wouldn't have found Dr. T, there is a good chance we would have dealt with the pain of loss once again. So thank you.

Newest Member of the Family

Welcome to the family- Oliver!

Here's the story. Last Tuesday Tommy was outside with Maggie (our black lab) and something ran past his leg and made him jump. And there was an orange and white kitten. He let Tommy pick him and was very friendly. He brought him in to show me and I didn't think too much. We gave him some food on the back porch and figured he would be gone by morning. It was too cute though cause Tommy took a box out and put a blanket in it, just in case he stayed around. We didn't give it much more thought and went to bed. The next morning as soon as I woke up I thought about him. I went down and opened the back door and right away I could hear him crying. He came running out from under my car and was purring and so friendly. I fed him some more and then on my way to work was going to take him to our Humane society. Well it turns out they only take stray cats 2 days of month and the next time wasn't until October. I couldn't just let him loose b/c we live on main street in our town and I couldn't bear to see him get hurt or killed. So I called my mom and asked if he could stay with them till we found the owner. She was more than happy to help out. On the way to my mom's he crawled in my lap and went to sleep. Well I was hooked. And as soon as Tommy told me it was a little boy, well there was just something about him. So I took him to their gardening shed till I could do something else. I called and left a message on our local radio station but I never got a call. So Friday I called and got a vet appointment for today. I become even more attached as the days went on and well he is now the newest member of our family. I was so nervous for him to meet Charlie (our gray cat) but it turned out much better than I hoped. I named him Oliver b/c I thought it was cute with Charlie. Charlie is still a little weary but they touched noses and smelled each other, so that's a big step. LOL. I don't know why he came into our life but he is here to stay and I look forward to getting to know him and for him to fit in. Something about a baby animal cant help but put a smile on your face. Just for today I'll smile and maybe even laugh a bit. Thank you, Oliver. Don't know if you needed us more or the other way around but I'm glad you've come.

Six Weeks

Its been six weeks since I said hello/goodbye to my baby boy, Logan. How very different the last six weeks should have gone. I should have been at home with my baby boy. Sleepless night, breastfeeding, dirty diapers, cute clothes, singing lullabies, cuddling Logan, taking naps with him, taking walks, sharing him with others and everything else that new moms get to do. The good the bad I would take every minute of it. I would give anything for that to be my life right now. I would be enjoying my last week of maternity leave before returning to work. Sigh... Not to be. Rather today I woke up and was immediately reminded my arms are empty, my heart broken. I showered, got ready and went to my OB for my 6 wk appt. I asked him if a few things like if my water leaking and me not knowing, my BP spiking a week before the loss, if anything of these things correlated or showed a similarity. I am clinging to just about anything. Just please give me something to go on. He said that none of those were related and there was an explanation for all of that. GRRR!! I'm so frustrated. I have decided to schedule with high risk Dr's. I am scheduled to see them on October 24. I hope they have some test to try or some explanation or more importantly something I can do next time to increase my odds. I NEED ANSWERS!!!

All day I kept replaying what happened on August 4th. Every night when I close my eyes I picture the room, the day, the events that led me here once again. Then I fall asleep while crying into my pillow.

I went to see my therapist tonight and I told her that I am pretty sure I am in shock and that the full impact has not yet hit. If I am right and its this bad right now, how much worse will it get? I dread to think of whats to come. Its going to be a long road... and I see no hope, no light at the end. Just a long, long road...

How Are You? What's wrong?

These are the questions I keep getting asked. How do I answer these questions? Do they want the honest answer or for me just to say I'm ok. Last night Tommy was one of the ones asking if I was ok, what was wrong while we were hanging out with friends. I'm not happy and I cant pretend to have fun or be happy. Everything hurts. My heart is broken again. And this time I have no idea how to heal it. All I want to do is sleep, because then I dont have to reminded of how terrible my life is right now. Dont have to remember that I have lost 2 babies. I dont have to look at the nursery that was all ready and waiting and will continue to be empty till who knows when. I dont have to see my friends children who constantly remind me of what I dont have. I'm NOT HAPPY! I am sad, mad, basically numb. I feel as though the world is moving around me but I am stuck in the same place. Same feelings and thoughts I had last year at this time. One year ago today is when we put our baby girl to rest with her great Grandma. And know again all I have our memories, pictures and an urn of my babies. I was pregnant for a total of 17 months. 510 days, 12,240 hours. It may not seem like a long time but when you are as stressed as I was the second time around. The time I sat rubbing my belly, talking to Logan, telling him I would keep him safe. Everything would be ok. Mommy loves you baby boy. When you figure all that in it feels like an eternity. All those sleepless nights, having to pee 3-4x a night, what I wouldnt give to have back that time. My heart is broke...

My mom had been making Logan a quilt and when everything happened she still finished it and she gave it to me the other day. She is also going to make one for Emma. Logan's is beautiful I am including pictures. It just makes me sad that he'll never get to see it or lay on it. Instead I'll just use it and wish for better times. Better times...

Logan's Quilt made by my Mom

The back of the quilt with her signature

So on another note. All my blood testing came back for the clotting disorder that my OB thought I might have. Maybe the reason that my placenta gave out on Logan. So it turns out I dont have a clotting disorder, everything came back fine. So now what? We are back at square one. Logan's autopsy came back fine, he was perfect inside and out. And although my placenta seemed to have scarring we cant explain why. We dont know why it gave out and so far it doesnt sound like we will ever know. So next time is going to be just as scary even more so. Its going to be another scary 9 months. I'm going to be on edge everyday. It'll be amazing if I dont have a nervous breakdown. I am thinking about going to a specialist maybe there is something new that my OB doesnt know about. Something, anything. I NEED ANSWERS!! I am so frustrated, so mad, sad. I am numb. I dont even want to move the bassinet, or my hospital suitcase or the basket of clothes I was getting ready to wash, or unpack the diaper bag. If I move any of those things it'll be real, it'll be over. And I am not ready for that. Its been a month but at this point I feel like I'll never be ready. I am so tired of being sad, of crying. But once again this is my life. And I have to figure out how to live it from day to day.

Emma's 1 year

My own personal hell started one year ago today. It was Saturday Sept 1st and I woke up about 10 am. I immediately had a bad feeling b/c Emma usually wouldn't let me sleep in cause she was hungry. I laid in bed trying to see if I felt her move. But nothing. I called the hospital in tears, they told me to come in and they would check me out, but that everything was probably fine. The nurses tried to find her heartbeat for almost in hour. I remember they kept hearing something but then they would realize it was just my heartbeat. After awhile I could see in there eyes that it was bad news but they couldn't tell me that. The dr on call finally got there around 12pm and he immediately did a sonogram. It was only a few seconds and he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said I'm so sorry, there is no heartbeat. I lost it, he hugged me and wouldn't let go. When I finally let go, I asked now what. He said you'll have to give birth and we'll induce. At 1pm they started the induction. The rest of the day is kinda blurry, family and friends were in and out. About 6pm my contraction were every minute. Finally a nurse came and checked me at 6:45 and said her heads there and it was time. My dr came right at 7pm. After pushing for just a bit, Emma LaRue was born "sleeping" at 7:22pm. She was perfect 2 lbs, 3 oz, 15 inches. She had gotten a knot in her cord and it proved fatal. I was 31 wks at the time.

Its now September 1, 2008, and Emma's one year of course would be hard but I would have here baby brother Logan here to lessen the pain. But no once again I didn't bring home my baby. Instead I left with a box of mementos. So now not only am I mourning my daughter who would be 1, but also her baby brother who should be here in my arms. All I want is a baby, to be a mom! Yes I know I am a mom, but well lets be honest most days I don't feel like one. I look around at everyone else with there strollers and little ones running around and don't understand why I cant have that too. I mean I'm a good person and I would be a wonderful mom. WHY??? What if I never get to have a baby? I have certainly learned there are no guarantees, lightening does strike the same person twice. Sigh... But for just today I'll just focus on the time I had with my baby girl. A wonderful 31 weeks, I loved every minute of it. I'll never forgot the first time I felt her kick. I knew from day one it was a girl. A mom just knows! No one could tell me different. And I was right, on June 28, 2007 my intuitions were confirmed, it was girl. Tommy and I were so excited. We couldn't wait to meet our baby girl. And we did just not the way we thought. We said hello and goodbye all at the same time.

I love you Emma and miss you everyday! XOXO