Baby 18- REALLY??

The Duggars welcomed there 18th child this past Thursday. Really?? Number 18. Why does she get to have 18 perfect healthy children and I cant even have one? Is it too much to ask? I like to watch a lot of TLC shows but I cant watch anything on that channel because they keep having a commercial for the hour special they are having this Monday all about the birth of their new little one. So I'll just avoid that channel for now.

On another note I started working out and going to the gym this week. I went 4 days, I figure that is pretty good for my first week. Hopefully I'll keep it up. I have really been enjoying it and for the most part feeling good. I did get a bit sore this past week but that was after I went 3 days in row. I think I might have just pushed it a little too soon. I have been trying to do between 30 & 40 minutes walking on the treadmill and then follow with some sit ups, leg lifts and stretches. Tommy and I try and go together on the days we can. Its nice to have the support of each other. Hopefully we both will get in better shape.

I am having a tough time lately. Sure I can put on a great face and get through the day but as soon as I have a moment when its just me, the tears start to fall and I find it hard to stop them. I miss my babies so very much! I am surrounded by little ones that remind me of what I should have. I mentioned going back to meetings, well there are 5 babies. 4 of them (3 boys and 1 girl) were born within days and weeks of Logan. The 5th one a little boy was born in October. It is so hard to see all of them with there parents and grandparents. There is a pain in my heart, my arms ache and I yearn to have that feeling. I ache to hold my little ones. I feel like the only thing that will help is getting pregnant again. But then in the next breath I worry that I am rushing and not facing all my emotions. But I need to know that I (we) are moving forward. And for me that is having a baby. I know it will be a long 9 months, a terrifying 9 months but I will do anything to get there and bring our rainbow baby home. I want to see Tommy's eyes light up when he holds his son/daughter for the first time. I want to see my dad and mom and Tommy's dad and mom hold there grand baby. When will it be our turn? I certainly hope it is sooner than later!

Emma/Logan- Mommy misses you so very much! Each day there is a new ache/yearn that I have with you being gone. Emma- I still remember the first time I felt you move. About a week later your Daddy got to feel you for the first time too. That was the most amazing feeling I had ever experienced. I made a mixed CD of classical music for you. I know you loved that CD b/c you would move and kick when I would play it. I loved reading to you before I would go to sleep. Charlotte's Web- my favorite book when I was young. I love that time together. I cherish every moment of the 31 weeks I carried you. Love you baby girl, you will always be my firstborn!

Logan- my little pumpkin. You were always such an active little guy. I can remember how you would kick my desk when I was at work. I would always wait till I felt you kick or move 3x at night before going to sleep and also in the morning before getting out of bed. It was always such a reassurance. The week before you passed I went to see Mamma Mia. I rubbed my belly as you jumped and danced to the music. I was so happy that weekend. Aunt Eva bought me the soundtrack to the movie and gave it to me the day of your memorial service. I finally listened to that CD this week. It brought back all the memories, good and bad. I miss you so so much!! And always will!! But I will never forget the almost 38 weeks that we had together. Love you!