Back on August 17th, I vented about random things and I also made a list of things that I was dreading. Well I have overcome another hurdle from that list. Here is a small excerpt of the original post
"List of things I am dreading...
I am dreading packing up the nursery once again. Except this time it was ready. Last time I had one box of clothes and other stuff for Emma. This time I will have boxes, boxes and more of clothes, books, blankets, towels, toys, bottles, lotions and all the other baby stuff. This time I had washed several loads of clothes etc and put them in his dresser, already for him to wear. Sigh..."
But Saturday I finally did just that. And it was awful and hard but it is done. I had forgotten just how much we had for our little Logan. When Logan passed we kind of just "tossed" all the stuff in the nursery and shut the door. But I cleaned, organized, sorted etc on Saturday. I went through all the books we received at the baby shower. (I put on the invitation how I wanted everyone to help start out Logan's library in the hopes that he would have an avid love of reading when he got older.) So I went through them all and even organized them on the bookshelf. Then I went through all the clothes. What I could fit I put in the dresser, the rest on hangers in the closet. I couldn't bear to box them up again. I did take all the bedding off the crib and put everything in a place. Collapsed the stroller, and overall found a place for everything. Then I went through the 2 boxes that we left the hospital with. One for Emma and one for Logan. They contained pictures, there footprints and hand prints, their ID bracelets as well as mine and Tommy, there birth and death certificates, etc. Last year I had bought this beautiful large round hat box for Emma's things and on Saturday I finally put both of there things in that box. I also went through all the cards and letter that were sent to us after both of them passing. I reread them and then stacked them and wrapped them in a pretty bow. I cried through all of this. It's so hard to think that is all that is left of them so to speak. That both of their "lives" can be stored in a box. SIGH... It was a rough day but I did it. I overcame another hurdle.
Later that night I received a text message from my mom. She had finished the curtains that were to go in the nursery. See two days before we lost Logan, I went and purchased the fabric to make curtains for his room. They were out of the gingham that I wanted so they special ordered it. When everything happened, I asked my mom to go pick it up b/c we both know the one lady that works there and I knew she would let my mom pick it up. I was terrified that I would get in there and break down and not even be able to talk. So she picked it up and then offered to make them for me. I gladly accepted. So anyway, they were done. I brought them home the next day and showed Tommy. We have to get new curtain rods so we cant hang them yet. But there we were standing in a room that is ready. We have everything we could need. We just need the baby... I fought back tears and am again now.
I have dreamt about babies every night for the past few weeks. Some I remember vividly, others just a piece but I know that there is a baby in each one. Sometimes it seems as though the baby is mine, other times its another little one I have been around. I want to think that it is my body telling me maybe I am pregnant. But I am afraid; if I am not I'll be disappointed and upset but on the other hand I think how can I be ready. My emotions are so confusing right now. I am trying to focus on the many who have gone on to have their rainbow baby/babies and I truly do believe that I will too. At least most of the time I do.
Ok, well I better get some sleep. Night...
"List of things I am dreading...
I am dreading packing up the nursery once again. Except this time it was ready. Last time I had one box of clothes and other stuff for Emma. This time I will have boxes, boxes and more of clothes, books, blankets, towels, toys, bottles, lotions and all the other baby stuff. This time I had washed several loads of clothes etc and put them in his dresser, already for him to wear. Sigh..."
But Saturday I finally did just that. And it was awful and hard but it is done. I had forgotten just how much we had for our little Logan. When Logan passed we kind of just "tossed" all the stuff in the nursery and shut the door. But I cleaned, organized, sorted etc on Saturday. I went through all the books we received at the baby shower. (I put on the invitation how I wanted everyone to help start out Logan's library in the hopes that he would have an avid love of reading when he got older.) So I went through them all and even organized them on the bookshelf. Then I went through all the clothes. What I could fit I put in the dresser, the rest on hangers in the closet. I couldn't bear to box them up again. I did take all the bedding off the crib and put everything in a place. Collapsed the stroller, and overall found a place for everything. Then I went through the 2 boxes that we left the hospital with. One for Emma and one for Logan. They contained pictures, there footprints and hand prints, their ID bracelets as well as mine and Tommy, there birth and death certificates, etc. Last year I had bought this beautiful large round hat box for Emma's things and on Saturday I finally put both of there things in that box. I also went through all the cards and letter that were sent to us after both of them passing. I reread them and then stacked them and wrapped them in a pretty bow. I cried through all of this. It's so hard to think that is all that is left of them so to speak. That both of their "lives" can be stored in a box. SIGH... It was a rough day but I did it. I overcame another hurdle.
Later that night I received a text message from my mom. She had finished the curtains that were to go in the nursery. See two days before we lost Logan, I went and purchased the fabric to make curtains for his room. They were out of the gingham that I wanted so they special ordered it. When everything happened, I asked my mom to go pick it up b/c we both know the one lady that works there and I knew she would let my mom pick it up. I was terrified that I would get in there and break down and not even be able to talk. So she picked it up and then offered to make them for me. I gladly accepted. So anyway, they were done. I brought them home the next day and showed Tommy. We have to get new curtain rods so we cant hang them yet. But there we were standing in a room that is ready. We have everything we could need. We just need the baby... I fought back tears and am again now.
I have dreamt about babies every night for the past few weeks. Some I remember vividly, others just a piece but I know that there is a baby in each one. Sometimes it seems as though the baby is mine, other times its another little one I have been around. I want to think that it is my body telling me maybe I am pregnant. But I am afraid; if I am not I'll be disappointed and upset but on the other hand I think how can I be ready. My emotions are so confusing right now. I am trying to focus on the many who have gone on to have their rainbow baby/babies and I truly do believe that I will too. At least most of the time I do.
Ok, well I better get some sleep. Night...
PS- I am posting a picture of the bedding and theme we have in the nursery and eventually when we do set it all up again (when the next one is here safe and sound) I will post pictures of the room all done.
5 comments:
You are an amazing woman. Never lose sight, never lose hope! Thank you for sharing this. We are all fragile, even little ones. Stay brave and thank God for a husband like yours!
It's cathartic in many ways - we took a day to store everything away- just the two of us. It's also nice to look thru the memories and notes every once and awhile.
hope hope hope.
I'm so proud of you. That was a gigantic hurdle to jump over and you did it.
Hang in there, and never lose hope.
I didnt pack up Kendalls stuff.. her room is all done still and all her clothing is in her dresser and on the hangers in the closet. We have to go through and take out the special outfits and box them up, but the rest of them, we will hopefully use someday in the future. I go into to her room and look at the crib she only layed in once and it is hard, but it is getting better and it seems you are healing and feeling better each day... You will always have all your memories and someday you will have a little boy or girl to tell about their brother and sister and show them the stuff you have.
On another note... I will order you those pins and Ill let you know when I have them. Thanks for supporting that cause. It means a lot to me.
Wow, that must have been hard. But I am glad you cleared another hurdle. It sucks that we even have to do such things. Thinking of you.
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