Multiple Personalities

I feel like I have multiple personalities lately. Not in the “crazy” way, but just in the sense that I have to put on this particular “face” that everything is ok, fine and dandy. I put on this “face” every morning when I leave the house and for anyone that see’s me that is who/what they see. I am kind, friendly even jovial at times. But deep down the other person (the deadbabymamma me) is hurting and all she wants to do it crawl back in bed, pull the covers over my head and wake up when I have my rainbow in my arms kicking/screaming. I miss the old me- the me that was a pretty happy, all around nice person. I used to smile by choice and generally enjoyed life. But anymore it just seems as though EVERYTHING is a reminder of what I don’t have. I remember after both losses the acute pain I would have even just going to the grocery store. Seeing all the families, moms, pregnant ladies etc, I would rush around and try to get out of there as quickly as possible. Well I seem to be back to that anxious, overwhelming feeling once again. All I can see is what I am missing- the 18.5 month old, Emma and the 7.5 month old, Logan. Wow- I would certainly have my hands full. Instead I can run around and do whatever I please b/c there is no one else there to worry about. SIGH… In my mind at this point I thought for sure I would be prego again. Scared/nervous but baking another little one. But no, that isn’t the case either. Instead I plaster on a smile and pretend I am “OK”. But as soon as I am alone in my office, or the bathroom or even in bed at night, watch out b/c out comes the other me along with tears. I really do believe that I have cried more tears in the past 1.5 years of my life than in my almost 27 yrs of life. Buckets and buckets full… I feel as though I am always right on the edge of completely losing it. I just heard a fellow deadbabymamma had a perfect beautiful baby boy last week and I am so happy for her. She deserves all the happiness in the world. And for just a second it give me hope that maybe one day I will be one of the “it can happen” stories. I just hope that I can weather my multiple personalities until then.

In A Funk...

I keep going MIA… for one thing I have been insanely busy and another just haven’t known what to say or write. Many bloggers write everyday about what they are doing. For me blogging is an escape and putting things into writing that I just can’t seem to find the words for, or is just too painful to discuss. So anyway, I am back. Since I last wrote, I pasted 18 months without my Emma and 7 without Logan. Hard to believe… it feel so fresh and new recently again. I don’t cry all the time like I did at first but I just feel completely surrounded by this sadness and I just can’t overcome or lessen the pain. March 5th- marked the beginning of this horrendous journey that is still going on. March 5, 2007 is when I found out I was pregnant with our baby girl. I remember how excited we both were. 2 years I have been on this road. 2 yrs, 2 pregnancies into the 3rd trimester and still no baby in my arms. WOW… Perhaps that has to something to do with why I feel so blue and sad all the time. Sure I can put on a good face when I need to but deep down I am barely holding it together. When we lost Logan, Tommy and I had discussed waiting nine months to a year before TTC again. As time passed though I knew I couldn’t wait that long, when I saw Dr. T in October, it had been 3 months and he told me I needed to wait at least 3 more. He recommended 6-12 months. Ok I can handle that I told myself. So January rolled around and we unofficially ttc. I tested 3 days early and there it was a BFP. Just as we were starting to get excited, I started to bleed and when I tested again, it was BFN. What happened? After talking to my OB, he said it was a chemical pregnancy or very early miscarriage, they are fairly common but most women don’t know about them b/c they don’t test early. Sure I had to be the impatient, anxious one. So anyway we took off one month and are hopefully back on for this month. The part that is so hard is, at some point in my head I told myself I would have a baby in my arms and at home in the year 2009. I wouldn’t have to go a whole year without getting my rainbow. Originally that gave us 3 months of ttc before we would be into 2010. Well SUDDENLY it’s the “last chance” so to speak. If it doesn’t happen this month, I WONT HAVE MY RAINBOW IN 2009! Sure that doesn’t sound so bad but for me it seems like the end of the world. I feel selfish even saying that b/c I know there are so many out there that have been ttc for years or even those that cant conceive and here I am complaining but for me that’s how I feel. I always worry about how I will make others feel and I truly hope that doesn’t upset anyone. But we all have our own “things” to deal with. And that is mine. So here’s hoping that I get pregnant and more importantly that this lo STICKS. Baby steps… one day at a time.

On another note, my BIL came and visited and stayed with us last week. It was very nice to see him. It was a busy week but nice. He was the first one to stay in the nursery since it has been finished. Before he came my mom and I straightened up and made more room. Then Tommy ran cable up to the room so he could watch TV. It was REALLY hard to be in that room. Everything is ready… the clothes are still hanging in the closet and others in the dresser. There are toys, and a crib and stroller etc. We put a sheet over it to make it looked more organized. After my mom left I cried so hard… for what could’ve been.

Just need a ray of hope and sunshine in all the gloominess…

This Stinks....

I'll keep this short and sweet. Not pregnant after all. Not sure if it was a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage but whatever it was, it wasnt a little one and not pregnant. Really bummed and sad and well nothing else to say. I am sorry that I got everyone all excited. Sorry!

Gonna hang out in the "pit" for a day or so...

News...

Well I am back. I have been really busy and just not a lot to say. But a lot has happened in the past 6 weeks. First, long story short I had been out of touch with most of my family for 5+ years (my fault) but that has all changed and we have been making up for lost time over the past few weeks. It has been wonderful and it was as if we just picked up where we left off. No awkwardness, just kindness and love. I am loving every minute! My mom and I cant spend enough time together. Our first weekend together we stayed up until 4:30 am just talking. That same weekend we went and visited w/ all my uncles, aunts, cousins, and “nieces & nephews”. I cant believe how they have changed and grown up. They were so sweet. The youngest, Noah was only 2 when everything happened and didn’t remember me, but he gave me a big hug and called me Aunt Mandy. Brought tears to my eyes. The 2 girls Molly & Emily were 8 & 7 when I left, so they of course remembered me, they were so happy and excited to see me. It was quite the “family reunion” so to speak. Here’s a few pictures.

The next big news I just learned as of yesterday. WE ARE PREGNANT! YEP, I GOT A BFP YESTERDAY! It was our first month officially trying and I wasn’t going to test until Wed. but had an extra test and thought lets just see. 3 minutes later, there was the one word PREGNANT. I was flabbergasted, shocked and started to cry. Tears of joy/happiness mixed with fear. I was trying to figure out how to tell Tommy in a cute way, so I had bought him a new pair of jeans the day before and he hadn’t seen them yet, so I put the pregnancy text in the pocket sticking out and told him I hoped he like the jeans and to pull them out of the bag and have a look. At first he didn’t see the test, and then he just looked and said “No way. Your pregnant”. He is very happy but scared and anxious as well. Then today I put the test in a box and wrapped in up and gave it to my mom and dad and said it was just a little something from Tommy and me for everything they have done for us. My dad didn’t know what it was at first and my mom thought for a minute, a purple marker, what? Then they both realized and got very excited. We are all very happy but you can definably tell we are somewhat reserved due to the anxiety as well. There are a couple of pics below. My mom will probably scold me b/c she say she looks terrible, but she just isn’t feeling well. I had to “capture the moment”.

Part of me wants to “shout it from the rooftop” and the other part keeps saying it so early and things could go wrong… for the moment though I am just going to try and enjoy. Pretty sure I am still in shock and it hasn’t sunk in. I called Dr. T (high risk OB) and I have an appt. with him on Wednesday Feb 25 for a viability scan and consultation and also a script to start the Lovenox. So till then we will just wait and see and KFC that there is no bleeding or spotting between now and then. Baby steps… one at a time.

As a side not if I didn’t call or text you personally please don’t be hurt, I was just so worried about hurting others who may be ttc or waiting. I don’t know which way is better but please know I thought about your feelings a lot and truly hope that I cause no pain. I love you all and I am going to need each and everyone of you to “hold my hand” and try and keep me sane. Here’s hoping for a boring, uneventful 9 months and a beautiful healthy, breathing baby that comes home at the end…

Rainbows

I added a picture and a quote from a fellow deadbabymama about what a rainbow baby means. I think the picture and her explanation go together. I don't know when I will get my rainbow, but I wont give up until I do. And when the time does come it will be as if the little life growing inside of me is the rainbow amidst the storm that is my life. So I am going to try my best and see the positive and good rather than focusing on the storm that is swilling around me everyday. So may there be a little bit of light in a dark, stormy world for each one of us.

One Year Ago...

I have been in a funk lately. On the 23rd last year I took a HPT and found out we were expecting again. I had been in such a bad place and it was our first month of trying after our Emma passed in September. Even before I took the test I told myself, its only the first month, don't get your hopes up. I had already told myself it would be negative, I prepared myself for the disappointment. But there it was in BIG pink letters "PREGNANT"! I was shocked! Tommy was away for the night so I couldn't tell anyone. I did call one friend but swore her to secrecy until I told Tommy the next day. Its funny how with just the one small test and that word I suddenly felt hope again. We were pregnant and we would bring our rainbow home. A baby brother or sister for Emma. The next day as soon as Tommy was home I told him. He was so happy and excited as well. We both realized it was still very early and a lot could go wrong but we couldn't resist calling family and friends. We needed all the support and help we could get over the next 9 months. I was so scared something would go wrong, but I truly deep in my gut thought it wont happen again, lightening doesn't strike twice. HA. Boy was I wrong.

I told Tommy the other night I cant believe it is almost 2009. But that I am quite happy to see 2008 go. Its once again been a year of unbelievable joy and sadness all mixed into one. I remember saying something very similar last year at this time as I said farewell to 2007. The last 2 years have brought more love, joy, sadness, anger, disappointment, excitement, grief... then some people experience in a lifetime. It wasn't all bad because I will always cherish every moment that I spent prego with Emma and Logan right up to the point that I said hello and goodbye in the same breath.

Here's hoping that 2009 is better and that FINALLY we will bring home our RAINBOW BABY!

Baby 18- REALLY??

The Duggars welcomed there 18th child this past Thursday. Really?? Number 18. Why does she get to have 18 perfect healthy children and I cant even have one? Is it too much to ask? I like to watch a lot of TLC shows but I cant watch anything on that channel because they keep having a commercial for the hour special they are having this Monday all about the birth of their new little one. So I'll just avoid that channel for now.

On another note I started working out and going to the gym this week. I went 4 days, I figure that is pretty good for my first week. Hopefully I'll keep it up. I have really been enjoying it and for the most part feeling good. I did get a bit sore this past week but that was after I went 3 days in row. I think I might have just pushed it a little too soon. I have been trying to do between 30 & 40 minutes walking on the treadmill and then follow with some sit ups, leg lifts and stretches. Tommy and I try and go together on the days we can. Its nice to have the support of each other. Hopefully we both will get in better shape.

I am having a tough time lately. Sure I can put on a great face and get through the day but as soon as I have a moment when its just me, the tears start to fall and I find it hard to stop them. I miss my babies so very much! I am surrounded by little ones that remind me of what I should have. I mentioned going back to meetings, well there are 5 babies. 4 of them (3 boys and 1 girl) were born within days and weeks of Logan. The 5th one a little boy was born in October. It is so hard to see all of them with there parents and grandparents. There is a pain in my heart, my arms ache and I yearn to have that feeling. I ache to hold my little ones. I feel like the only thing that will help is getting pregnant again. But then in the next breath I worry that I am rushing and not facing all my emotions. But I need to know that I (we) are moving forward. And for me that is having a baby. I know it will be a long 9 months, a terrifying 9 months but I will do anything to get there and bring our rainbow baby home. I want to see Tommy's eyes light up when he holds his son/daughter for the first time. I want to see my dad and mom and Tommy's dad and mom hold there grand baby. When will it be our turn? I certainly hope it is sooner than later!

Emma/Logan- Mommy misses you so very much! Each day there is a new ache/yearn that I have with you being gone. Emma- I still remember the first time I felt you move. About a week later your Daddy got to feel you for the first time too. That was the most amazing feeling I had ever experienced. I made a mixed CD of classical music for you. I know you loved that CD b/c you would move and kick when I would play it. I loved reading to you before I would go to sleep. Charlotte's Web- my favorite book when I was young. I love that time together. I cherish every moment of the 31 weeks I carried you. Love you baby girl, you will always be my firstborn!

Logan- my little pumpkin. You were always such an active little guy. I can remember how you would kick my desk when I was at work. I would always wait till I felt you kick or move 3x at night before going to sleep and also in the morning before getting out of bed. It was always such a reassurance. The week before you passed I went to see Mamma Mia. I rubbed my belly as you jumped and danced to the music. I was so happy that weekend. Aunt Eva bought me the soundtrack to the movie and gave it to me the day of your memorial service. I finally listened to that CD this week. It brought back all the memories, good and bad. I miss you so so much!! And always will!! But I will never forget the almost 38 weeks that we had together. Love you!