Multiple Personalities

I feel like I have multiple personalities lately. Not in the “crazy” way, but just in the sense that I have to put on this particular “face” that everything is ok, fine and dandy. I put on this “face” every morning when I leave the house and for anyone that see’s me that is who/what they see. I am kind, friendly even jovial at times. But deep down the other person (the deadbabymamma me) is hurting and all she wants to do it crawl back in bed, pull the covers over my head and wake up when I have my rainbow in my arms kicking/screaming. I miss the old me- the me that was a pretty happy, all around nice person. I used to smile by choice and generally enjoyed life. But anymore it just seems as though EVERYTHING is a reminder of what I don’t have. I remember after both losses the acute pain I would have even just going to the grocery store. Seeing all the families, moms, pregnant ladies etc, I would rush around and try to get out of there as quickly as possible. Well I seem to be back to that anxious, overwhelming feeling once again. All I can see is what I am missing- the 18.5 month old, Emma and the 7.5 month old, Logan. Wow- I would certainly have my hands full. Instead I can run around and do whatever I please b/c there is no one else there to worry about. SIGH… In my mind at this point I thought for sure I would be prego again. Scared/nervous but baking another little one. But no, that isn’t the case either. Instead I plaster on a smile and pretend I am “OK”. But as soon as I am alone in my office, or the bathroom or even in bed at night, watch out b/c out comes the other me along with tears. I really do believe that I have cried more tears in the past 1.5 years of my life than in my almost 27 yrs of life. Buckets and buckets full… I feel as though I am always right on the edge of completely losing it. I just heard a fellow deadbabymamma had a perfect beautiful baby boy last week and I am so happy for her. She deserves all the happiness in the world. And for just a second it give me hope that maybe one day I will be one of the “it can happen” stories. I just hope that I can weather my multiple personalities until then.

In A Funk...

I keep going MIA… for one thing I have been insanely busy and another just haven’t known what to say or write. Many bloggers write everyday about what they are doing. For me blogging is an escape and putting things into writing that I just can’t seem to find the words for, or is just too painful to discuss. So anyway, I am back. Since I last wrote, I pasted 18 months without my Emma and 7 without Logan. Hard to believe… it feel so fresh and new recently again. I don’t cry all the time like I did at first but I just feel completely surrounded by this sadness and I just can’t overcome or lessen the pain. March 5th- marked the beginning of this horrendous journey that is still going on. March 5, 2007 is when I found out I was pregnant with our baby girl. I remember how excited we both were. 2 years I have been on this road. 2 yrs, 2 pregnancies into the 3rd trimester and still no baby in my arms. WOW… Perhaps that has to something to do with why I feel so blue and sad all the time. Sure I can put on a good face when I need to but deep down I am barely holding it together. When we lost Logan, Tommy and I had discussed waiting nine months to a year before TTC again. As time passed though I knew I couldn’t wait that long, when I saw Dr. T in October, it had been 3 months and he told me I needed to wait at least 3 more. He recommended 6-12 months. Ok I can handle that I told myself. So January rolled around and we unofficially ttc. I tested 3 days early and there it was a BFP. Just as we were starting to get excited, I started to bleed and when I tested again, it was BFN. What happened? After talking to my OB, he said it was a chemical pregnancy or very early miscarriage, they are fairly common but most women don’t know about them b/c they don’t test early. Sure I had to be the impatient, anxious one. So anyway we took off one month and are hopefully back on for this month. The part that is so hard is, at some point in my head I told myself I would have a baby in my arms and at home in the year 2009. I wouldn’t have to go a whole year without getting my rainbow. Originally that gave us 3 months of ttc before we would be into 2010. Well SUDDENLY it’s the “last chance” so to speak. If it doesn’t happen this month, I WONT HAVE MY RAINBOW IN 2009! Sure that doesn’t sound so bad but for me it seems like the end of the world. I feel selfish even saying that b/c I know there are so many out there that have been ttc for years or even those that cant conceive and here I am complaining but for me that’s how I feel. I always worry about how I will make others feel and I truly hope that doesn’t upset anyone. But we all have our own “things” to deal with. And that is mine. So here’s hoping that I get pregnant and more importantly that this lo STICKS. Baby steps… one day at a time.

On another note, my BIL came and visited and stayed with us last week. It was very nice to see him. It was a busy week but nice. He was the first one to stay in the nursery since it has been finished. Before he came my mom and I straightened up and made more room. Then Tommy ran cable up to the room so he could watch TV. It was REALLY hard to be in that room. Everything is ready… the clothes are still hanging in the closet and others in the dresser. There are toys, and a crib and stroller etc. We put a sheet over it to make it looked more organized. After my mom left I cried so hard… for what could’ve been.

Just need a ray of hope and sunshine in all the gloominess…