I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Pit- Dark, Cold, & Lonely

I am in "The Pit". If you are a deadbabymama unfortunately you know exactly what I am talking about. For those of you that don't I have included the poem that explains "The Pit". To be honest I had been feeling really good. I went off all of my prescriptions and have been instead working with a nutritionist. Overall I am feeling much better, I was even able to sleep the past week without taking anything and even woke up and wasn't groggy or tired. Until today...until tonight. I have been crying on and off most of the day. I guess I was feeling a bit too good, so now the crash into "The Pit". It also didn't help I was cleaning out the purse I was using when I lost Logan. The reason it didn't help is that there were all sorts of reminders of my last few days with my baby boy. I found the discharge papers for the NST I had just 4 days before his passing, the baby shower invite and chocolate I had received at a fellow deadbabymamas rainbow baby shower, and all of Logan's ultrasound pictures from early on right up to the last one at 31 wks. I would say I was on the edge of "The Pit" and that just gave me that last push, down at the bottom I find myself. Its almost 12:30am and I am wide awake, cant sleep, cant turn my mind off. So I am here getting it all out, then hopefully I'll be able to get some sleep. I guess its a good thing I am only working tomorrow and then vacay for the rest of the week. I think I am going to attempt to organize the nursery while I am off. I say attempt b/c it really hasn't been touched since the days leading up to my loss. Everything that was in any other part of the house has been tossed in there and well its kinda of a disarray. I keep putting it off, put feel like it's time.

Lately I cant help but think about last year at this time. I would say emotionally I was just as bad off, maybe worse or maybe a little better depends on the day. See my OB had told us we should wait until Feb. to try again. But as November came around I was in a very bad place and decided to get a second opinion. Right around this time is when another OB told us that physically my body would be fine for another pregnancy and that only Tommy and I could decide when we were ready to try for another baby. December was our first month trying, actually our first and last. On Dec. 23 I took a home pregnancy test thinking there was no way it would be positive it was only our first month and I kept telling myself not to get upset. But there was that word "PREGNANT". I was ecstatic. Hard to believe its a year later and I am once AGAIN in the same shoes I was back then. Another push into "The Pit". Its dark, cold and lonely in "The Pit". I keep seeing all the proud parents showing off pictures of their rainbow babies. So many are going out and getting pictures taken of their little ones and their happy little family. Don't get me wrong I am happy for them but it stings every time I see them. My heart is broken and there is no mending. Sure in time I will once again figure out how to live as a deadbabymama and move forward but once again it will take TIME. Time is a funny thing, as adults we always say that time flies, as children time seemed so slow when we were in school and then flew over summer break. Time sees to stand still when we are eagerly awaiting something. Just hurry up and get here. For me time varies. One day it feels as though it was only yesterday that I held Emma and Logan in my arms. Other days it feel like an eternity. Right now February seems so far, far away. Time...a second, a minute, an hour, a day, a month, a year. No matter what way I look at it right now I only see the darkness of "The Pit". It will take time for me to find my way out again. SIGH...

~The Pit~

The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.

The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.

Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what's taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.

Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.

Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.

My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit.

Author Unknown

~My Shoes~

I am wearing a pair of shoes

They are ugly shoes

uncomfortable shoes

I hate my shoes

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I

do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them

I get funny looks wearing these shoes

They are looks of sympathy

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad

they are my shoes and not theirs

They never talk about my shoes

To learn how awful my shoes are

might make them uncomfortable

To truly understand these shoes

you must walk in them

But once you put them on, you can never take them off

I realize that I am not the only one

who wears these shoes

There are many pairs in the world

Some woman are like me and ache

daily as they walk in them

Some have learned how to walk in them

so that they don't hurt quite so much

Some have worn the shoes so long

that days will go before they think

about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman

These shoes have given me strength

to face anything

They have made me who I am

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

- Author Unknown -

Thanks for reading and listening. Going to try and get some sleep. Night...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Getting Back to My Roots

Its time I talk about a few things. I have a lot going on and I want to share. I have hesitated because of the reactions but this blog is mine and I want to be able to share anything. I was raised as a Jehovah's witness. But right before I turned 21, I decided to leave and move in with Tommy. I needed a break I guess. Because of the way in which I left my family including my parents stopped talking to me. Over the next few years I kept telling myself I didn't need them, or the things that I was raised with but it was always there in the back of my mind. When we lost Emma, so many of my family came to support us and it was nice to have them back but slowly as time passed I still didn't feel the need to go back. I still believed what I was raised with but again stayed away. My relationship with my parents and family eventually went back to the way it was. But the day that I found myself back in the same situation with knowing I was going to have to go through the pain of labor only to hold my stillborn son I didn't hesitate to call them to be there with us. They were there as quick as could be. And continued to be there for us. Each time I was with them they would encourage me come back to my roots, so to speak. I knew it was time but I kept putting it off. See it wasn't as simple as going back and everyone would greet me with open arms. Because of what I had done by leaving I have to prove myself and show how sorry I am for the mistakes I made. I know this may seem strange to many of you. But anyway with all the emotional things I was already going through I didn't think I could handle that as well. But one Sunday I just decided enough stalling it was time to go back. I wanted my babies to be proud of their mom. (See I had told myself that when Emma/Logan were born then I would go back b/c I wanted them to learn as well.) But when I lost Logan I realized that I still would want them to be proud of me and that I had no more excuses. It was time. So Sunday morning I got dressed and went. It was terrifying to walk back in there. Oh and I forgot to add that there are 3 babies (3 boys and 1 girl) that were born with days and weeks of Logan. So there was that too. But I managed to overcome all the fears and anxiety and went. When the first song started I began to cry. It felt so right. I had missed that feeling of purpose that it had given me. That was Sept 21 and I have continued to go. Sometimes it is very difficult, such as when a new baby boy came for the first time. Again it was a reminder of what should be. And the 4 little ones are now 3 months old. And there are times the sadness gets the best of me and I break down. But I know that it is helping me so much and its something else to focus on. It is still hard and things are still not back to normal but I am being patient and it is helping me to become a better person. And I know that when I do become pregnant again, it will help give me the peace of mind that I need when I get stressed out. It will help me be a better wife, mom and person in general. It has meant a lot of changes for Tommy and I as well, but I couldn't ask for a better and more supportive hubby. We definitely have different religious beliefs but he is completely supportive of me returning and even at times when I am frustrated and he doesn't understand all of it, he still gives me a hug and tells me it'll get better. How did I get such a great guy? I love him with everything! Ok well that is the update and this is one of the reasons I have been MIA. So thanks for reading and I'm glad I shared all of that.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Results...Frustration... Moving Forward

So the results are back... All normal, all negative. WHAT? I should be happy that I'm ok and don't have a clotting disorder. But here I am back at the "beginning", no answers and still in the dark as to why I have had not one but two stillborns. When the nurse called me I said Really? And she says that's good news, right. I said yeah I guess but frustrated and back at same place I was. I just wanted a reason, something to explain why they both were lost. But it wasn't to be. I got off the phone and the tears came. I guess we may never know exactly what happened. After work I went to my parents and just my dad was home. We sat and talked for a bit. It was nice to see him. I text my mom and told her the results and how I was very frustrated. She called me right away and calmed me down and made me feel a bit better. We talked about how Dr. T said that no matter what my results we would treat as if I have a clotting problem as a precaution. Then she said something really interesting. Her and my dad have been doing all sorts of research and even went so far as to check into complications from birth control. They came across a mention of it possibly at time causing thromophilia or clotting problems. She isn't saying that is what happened. But she has a really interesting theory. What if I did react or have a problem with something in my birth control that I was on before we got pregnant with Emma. And maybe it did cause a clotting issue but as time passes it gets better and maybe that is why I carried Emma to 31 wks, then Logan to 37 wks. and maybe next time it'll be ok. I realize that I will probably never know for sure but maybe I'll find some research or someone will read this and say something they know about it. Who knows? In reality we will probably never know exactly and I may have to live with what happened and not knowing the rest of my life. SIGH... Just another thing...

On a different note a fellow deadbabymamma lost again. She was pregnant with twin baby girls and due to an incompetent cervix she lost them. I feel so bad for Jenelle and Rob. I know all too well what they are facing. Her blog felt as though the words were written by me. I just really hope that we both get our rainbow babies one day along with all my other mamma's that have loved and lost. (((HUGS))) to all of you!