I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Memories from Last Year At This Time

In the past few weeks I have been remembering my times with Logan. I have decided to by date record some of those memories.

Saturday, July 12- Friends/family had thrown a coed baby shower for us. We had so much fun and I remember that night and the next day just looking through all the gifts and getting so excited to meet our little man.

Friday, July 25- My work threw me a surprise baby shower. I had no idea and was so stunned I started to cry. They were all so generous and many of them went together and purchased my glider and ottoman I had wanted so badly. All the gifts barely fit into my car. After work that I day I headed down to Pittsburgh for a weekend with Tommy's aunt and a baby shower for a friend that was prego with her rainbow baby boy as well.

Saturday, July 26- Chrissy's baby shower. She had a difficult pregnancy and went on bed rest early on. She was just past 34 wks and had been released from bed rest and was able to attend her shower. Our other friend Michelle was also prego w/ her rainbow baby boy Vinny. We were all due about 1-1.5 wks apart. And our other good friend was at the shower with her little rainbow miracle Lilly who was 2 months old. We all couldn't get enough of here. I remember holding Lilly and Logan kicking and going crazy at first but then they both settled down and feel asleep. What an amazing feeling- a baby inside and holding a baby as well.
A picture of all us girls. We were all so happy and excited!!

After the shower I went back to Tommy's aunts and we decided to go see Mamma Mia at the theater. I really enjoyed the movie and all the music. Logan was "dancing" and moving to the music as well. I just sat w/ my hand on my belly feeling his every move and just felt so happy and content. That's one of my best memories while prego with him.

Monday, July 28- I went for my weekly OB check w/ Dr. M. My BP had spiked a bit and he decided to have me work only 1/2 days at work and then as long as I went home and rested I could finish my day at home. It made me a little nervous but I trusted him and knew we were so close. I also was scheduled for my first NST that Thursday. Work was so cooperative and just wanted me and Logan to be ok. (Looking back a year later, I should have taken that as the first warning sign that something wasn't right- my BP spiked the week before we lost Emma as well. Turns out with both of them I was probably developing preeclampsia and didn't even know it.)

Thursday, July 31-I had my NST at 2pm. I didn't really know what to expect since I had never made it this far with Emma. They hooked up the heart monitor for Logan and then monitored if I was having any contractions as well. About an hr passed and the nurses brought me ice chips and OJ, Logan wasn't moving as much as they would have liked but I could ALWAYS hear his heartbeat loud and clear. Another hour and half and he still wasn't responding they way they wanted. My OB was at the hospital getting ready to do a c-sec and came in and said if it was any other patient he would just send them home but b/c of my history and my nerves he said he was willing to do a Stress Test (give me Pitocin to start some contractions and see how Logan's heart rate responded) if there was the slightest drop- he would do an emergency c-sec that night. They hooked up the Pitocin and it took awhile for anything to happen. It also turned out the it was Tommy's 38 b-day that day, and the whole time we were pregnant he would say how neat it would be if Logan and him shared a b-day. As I lay there waiting and listening to Logan's heartbeat I just couldn't imagine him coming that night. I didn't feel prepared, I still had his bag to finish packing and the nursery wasn't organized. I think I was more focused on that then the fact that I was 37 wks, he was full term and I could have had him that night. He would be here in my arms right now. Why did I worry about being ready? That's not what mattered. Finally after 5-6 contractions the nurse said he did ok and that Dr. M said to stop the Pitocin and I could go home. Why didn't I just say NO.. I want to have the c-sec or just continue the Pitocin? He most likely would have been perfectly fine and healthy. But instead I let them stop the Pitocin, and discharge me and I went home. Little did I know I would never hear my little boys heartbeat again....

Ok I'm rather drained I'll write the rest of this another day...

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My Life-Saver

This little device is such lifesaver for me right now. Anytime I get the slightest panic or a full on "freak out" I just lay down, find the baby's heartbeat and marvel at the sound. It is truly the best sound in the world right now!! Thank you my dear Liesel for allowing me to borrow this wonderful Doppler!! Its giving me some peace of mind and calm when not much else is. So there's that. Still taking it one day at a time!!

On another note a fellow deadbaby mama had her daughter by emergency c-sec on Sunday @ 29 wks. She noticed a decrease in kicks (as she was regularly doing her kick counts) and went to the hospital.. this is what saved her precious little girl. Kick counts are SO IMPORTANT!! She is holding her own for now but she has a long road. Keep them in your thoughts!!

And its my parents 30th anniversary today!! Happy Anniversary Dad & Mom...way to go!!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

16 weeks ~ 4 months

Well I have made it 4 months by the end of this week. In 2 weeks at my next OB check and ultrasound I will be 1/2 thru this pregnancy (b/c they will most likely take this little one by c-sec/ or induce me @ 37 wks). WOW!! That's a good feeling. I am still nervous but just for today I am trying to enjoy what is happening. Speaking of that, a wonderful friend of mine, love ya Liesel sent me her Doppler to use while prego. I have been able to find the heartbeat 2x so far. I am trying not to go overboard with using it all the time. But last night I just marveled at my baby's good strong heartbeat in the mid 150's. I must say that is the BEST SOUND IN THE WORLD!! I recorded it on my phone so I can just play it back every once in awhile. Then as I was falling asleep I felt my first definite "flutters". As if this LO was saying I'm in here and I'm ok mom. I do love those first flutters and cant wait till I get some good kicks and Tommy can feel it as well!!

My emotions are up and down so I went to a chiropractor/nutritionist that deals with emotions and I do feel better after seeing him. I wish I could go to him every couple of weeks but since he is almost 2 hrs away that's a little hard. But I will go as often as I can. Its amazing how things in your past can effect your thoughts now and you don't even realize it. I really do feel "lighter" after seeing him... at least till the next major freak out. LOL

On another note I am quickly approaching the 1 yr mark for my precious baby boy Logan. Its hard to believe that last year at this time I was 8.5 months pregnant and getting all ready for him. Its sad but at the same time I feel a certain peace about it as well. I miss him terribly as well as his big sister and I will always have pieces of me missing. But I also know that letting go a bit is good for me and this new LO. In fact the ultrasound where we will hopefully find out boy/girl is on August 4th (Logan 1 yr). I scheduled that without even realizing but again I think its a good thing. A moving forward and yet remembering as well. I love you Emma/Logan and miss you both very much!!!