I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Introducing Amellia Rose

Arrival at the hospital on 12/11/09
Welcome Amellia Rose

My first time holding her

The proud daddy- Look at that Grin
Our first family picture
Pappy & Nana- my parents
Her first outfit
With her Daddy

Time to go home

Happy (sad) tears

This is to officially welcome our precious baby girl Amellia Rose into the world. I am sorry that it has taken me a couple days to get this post up, I know many of you have been waiting for it. Life is kinda hectic with a newborn around. But I love every minute of it, even the middle of the night feedings. So here is her birth story and some pictures. I will try to keep this updated with what is going on, but not sure how much I will be able to get on.

Friday December 11, we had to be at the hospital for induction at 6 am. We were immediately shown to our delivery room and got settled in. They checked me when I first arrived and was at almost 5 cm already, but she was posterior or facing up rather than down. By 7:30 am Pitocin was started. They checked me again at 9am and I was close to 6 but not a lot of change. Contractions were about every 3-5 minutes but not very intense. Dr. said they would be back in an hr or two to break my water which should get things moving. A little before 11:30 am, Tommy and I were just getting ready to try to get some rest thinking we would have several hours till anything happened. But that didn't happen. Dr came in and broke my water at 11:30 am. The very next contraction was awful, and before it was even over I said I want an epidural NOW!! The Dr was called. It took about 15 min for him to get there and get set up. Meanwhile each contraction was worse and worse and closer together. I was breathing through them but barely. Finally at 12:05 pm the epidural was turned on. He stayed for a few minutes wanting to make sure it would take effect. It took the edge off but I still could feel them on my left side. So he had me roll on my left side to help it start working over there as well. Just as it was seeming to be working a bit better, the Dr came in and wanted to check me again for any further progress. She immediately said YOUR 10 CM, SHE IS TURNED AND ITS TIME!! Tommy and I just looked at each other as they all started running around getting everything ready. He text my family in the waiting room. And told my mom to hurry up and get in there. The next contraction they had me start pushing. I did a series of 3 pushes for each contraction, 4x and she was out. Born at 12:41 pm. An hour and 11 minutes after they broke my water. 6 lbs 5 oz 19 1/2 inches long. A full head of dark black hair, and perfect in every way. She had to have a little oxygen and be warmed up for a bit but otherwise she was fine. Her apgars were 8 and 9 (out of 10). I didn't get to hold her for about 45 minutes which was hard, but at the same time it just felt like a dream and I was in shock I believe as well. We had our rainbow baby!! When she was first handed to me I cried. It was happy, relieved tears. At that moment I fell completely in love for the 2nd time in my life. I kept asking Tommy to pinch me b/c it had to be a dream. But it was real and she was in our arms. Safe and sound after a long 9 months of stress, worry and doubt at times. By 3:30 pm I was moved to a new room. Amellia was brought in all bathed and looking beautiful. I loved watching her daddy hold and cuddle her. He had the biggest grin on his face. I also loved seeing my parents, Pappy and Nana with her as well. I was in the hospital all day Saturday and then release Sunday late afternoon. As we were leaving the hospital my emotions once again got the best of me. I flashed back to the previous two times leaving the hospital with only a box in my lap. This time I left w/ a car seat with my precious little baby girl in it. They were tears of joy mixed with the emotions of our two losses.

I find my emotions and feelings are very much intertwined between this new baby and our two that didn't make it. In fact I see so much of Logan and some of Emma in Amellia. I am so sad they arent here as well, but so thankful that Amellia did make it. So for all you deadbabymama's out there don't give up even when it seems as though there is no hope. Find a Dr that will help you to find answers and who wont give up until you bring your precious rainbow home. I hope and pray that each one of you will get to have this feeling. It was a long, hard, sad road but the end is perfect in every way. I will always miss my Emma and Logan and Amellia cant replace them, but it certainly makes the grief just a bit easier.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Its here... finally after a long 258 days of being pregnant, stressing over every little thing, and over 420 self injections. WE ARE DOWN TO LESS THAN 12 HRS TILL I AM INDUCED!!! I had an amino this morning and after an NST to monitor for contractions and an exam, we were told her lungs are ready. The low number they are looking for is 47, her's came back 108!! Dr said that was great!! I am also 4 cm dilated. Only bad thing is she is posterior and needs to flip. So tomorrow when they start the Pitocin and get the contraction rolling hopefully she will flip on her own but if not they will do a c- section. I don't care either way.. just so she is here safe and sound.
Its completely surreal... its really going to happen this time. Our little girl will be here tomorrow. I will actually take this baby home. WOW!!! This is such a long time coming. And we are almost there.. EEEEHHH!!!
Oh and its our 4 year anniversary, and we got the best present we could ask for. Love you Tommy!!! XOXOXO
I want to say thank you for all of your support, love and encouragement. I hope I can return the favor in the future to each and everyone of you. Next post should be pictures of our little princess Amellia......

Friday, December 4, 2009

One Week ~ 36 wks tomorrow

One week and Amellia could be in my arms. Its finally beginning to hit me. It really (might) happen this time. I am afraid to be certain, for obvious reasons. I had an additional NST/OB check today just because. Everything looked great. She is still very active, although the kicks/jabs and rolls are getting more painful. But I still love every minute of it :D So after looking at the schedule for my amino next week, they decided to move the amino back one day. So I will have the amino Thursday morning. It could take up to 3 hrs for the results. If her lungs are ready then they will admit me to the hospital that night and get me started on medicine to soften/ripen the cervix. Then first thing on Friday morning they will start Pitocin and get things rolling. So next week at this time I could have my little princess in my arms.... Just gotta make it less than a week and cross the next hurdle of whether her lungs will be ready. PLEASE LET THEM BE READY!!!! I don't think I can handle being told me have to wait another week. Let this last 6 days be enough and her lungs be developed and ready for the outside world. PRETTY PLEASE!!!

Friday, November 27, 2009

Two Weeks

Two weeks till we meet our princess Amellia, as long as her lungs are ready. 35 weeks tomorrow! WOW!! I can hardly believe how close we are. So close, yet so far at the same time. Everyday I am just thankful that she is still moving and kicking. Every Dr appt I wait for another great NST and for my blood pressure to be good and so far that is exactly what has happened. I just wish I could relax this past 2 wks but its just not possible. Every morning I "hold my breath" until I feel her first kicks and movements. And then say a quick prayer of thanks when she does. I am going to stay w/ a family member that lives less than 10 min away from my Dr's office this coming Tues and will stay w/ her until this little one arrives. (Currently I am 1 hr and 20 minutes away.) I am happy that I will be closer to the Dr, "just in case" I get a bad feeling and I also will have 2 appts the next 2 wks. again just for my peace of mind. Peace of mind- I just wish I could let myself relax and enjoy my last 2 wks prego w/ this precious baby girl. I am looking forward to being away from home although I will miss my hubby and "kids" our dog Maggie and cats Charlie and Oliver. However it will be nice to not be worrying about things around the house and just put my feet up and read a book or watch a movie. So 2 wks and I will be "holding my breath" the whole way. Please let this baby girl come home and be healthy!!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

32 1/2 weeks.. 30 days to go :D

Today marks 30 days till we meet this little princess... WOW!! Hard to believe. We had an awesome report at the Dr yesterday. Amellia is almost 5 lbs which means she gained almost 2 lbs in the last month. So her growth is great!! And she has lots of hair on the ultrasound :) She also scored a 10 on her NST according to the nurse. The Dr is very happy with everything and truly feels as though the shots are the key this time around. So one month to go...

My nerves are up and down. Every morning I still hold my breath till I start to feel her move and get her kick counts. My mind plays tricks on me.. are you sure you felt her move in the middle of the night or did I imagine that?!? Its defiantly still a daily struggle with my emotions. I am grateful that she is very active and if I notice even the slightest change I will be at the Dr's getting checked. Please help me stay sane for the next 30 days...

On another note they switched me to the Heparin. It defiantly isn't as user friendly as the Lovenox but I am getting the hang of it. It doesnt come in a pre -filled syringe and the needle isn't as smooth and easy to use but hey whatever it takes. Oh and the medicine burns a lot more but again no complaints here.

So 30 days till we meet our Amellia Rose and we cant wait!! :D

Thursday, November 5, 2009


So I had another fantastic appointment on Tuesday. Amelia passed her NST with flying colors so to speak. The Dr couldn't have enough good to say. I was on for about 25 minutes and they are looking for 3-4 nice accelerations in her heart rate followed by back to a baseline. She had 10 in that amount of time. I said that doesn't surprise me because she is very active which I am so thankful/happy for. We have another NST this coming Tuesday as well as an ultrasound to see how much she has grown in 4 wks. So excited to see my little princess again :D OH AND THE BEST NEWS....

I am scheduled for an amino Friday December 11 and if her lungs come back developed they will induce the same day!!! YAY!! So the countdown has begun... 36 days till we meet our baby girl!!

I am so happy and excited but still scared. So just taking it one day at a time..
Here's me during the NST on Tuesday. My mom (Nana) is documenting everything :D

Friday, October 30, 2009

31 wks

31 weeks tomorrow :D Wow.. that means in 6 weeks or less our baby girl will be in our arms. I am feeling really good and different about this pregnancy, I cant explain it exactly. I guess I really am starting to feel like the shots are working and that things will be different this time. BUT then my mind starts to wonder and I realize that 6 wks is still an eternity when you have had 2 losses. It doesn't help that we lost Emma at 31 wks. That thought defiantly keeps creeping in, but then I remind myself that Amelia is already a good pound or more than her sister at this point gestationally. I also try to focus on the fact that Amelia is very active and even has the hiccups at this very moment. I keep reminding myself things are different this time. But I am still scared. Thank goodness for weekly appointments and my wonderful awesome team of 4 high risk Dr's that calm my fears constantly. I have to continue to have faith and believe that we will bring this rainbow home. So I will keep moving forward, getting her room ready and counting down the days till we meet her and at the same time be grateful for every moment I get with her.

Here are a few pregnancy shots my mom took of me last week. Its something I meant to do with the other two and never did, so I am making sure we take lots this time. Enjoy :D

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

29 1/2 Weeks... 8 or less to go

I will be 29.5 wks tomorrow. So happy for that. We had an ultrasound one week ago and once again confirmed defiantly a girl and she was 3 lbs 2 oz. Which is great :D The dr was very happy w/ her size and everything else. Such a relief. We were in the room that has the 3D capability so we got a few shots of her as well. She was head down and "snuggled up w/ my placenta" as the tech said so we couldn't get a great straight on shot but the ones we did she had the cutest, most perfect little bird lips and adorable nose. Of course I'm her mommy so that's my opinion. We even could see in some of the shots that her eyes were open. Very cool, never saw that w/ the other two. Next Tues the 27th I will start weekly NST's and appts. And then 2 wks after that another ultrasound to check her growth yet again. I also have become very obsessive about tracking her busy time of the day and doing my kick counts. A good friend of mine gave me a Kicktrak that stores the last 10 days and how long it took to feel 10 kicks, movements etc. She is consistently active when I first wake up around 8-8:30 and most of the morning. She seems to sleep more in the afternoon and then is more active again after dinner. My Dr's tell me that if I notice the slightest change in these or seems to take longer to feel her 10 movements to call and come to the hospital to be checked. They also told me that kick counts are more important diagnostically than even having a Doppler to check her heart rate at home. This is due to the fact that a babies heart rate can vary so much anywhere from 110-180. So even if that number seems low it might not mean a problem. But seeing a change in her movement is an indication that there maybe a problem. Most mornings she is cooperative and I get my kicks/movements fairly quickly but some mornings she is a bit slow and for a few moments I begin to worry and wonder if we will be making a trip to the hospital but then she will "wake up" as to say I'm ok mom. I cant believe that she will be in my arms in less than 8 wks. Some days that seems like an eternity still but it really is right around the corner. The next few weeks will be hard due to the fact that we lost Emma at 31 wks. But overall I really do have a good feeling this time. Every time I get a great report at the Dr's. I think wow we really will make it this time. Don't get me wrong I still have the occasional doubt and worry.. but trying to focus on the positive and stay optimistic.

On that note of being positive, my mom and I finally packed up all the boy stuff that was in the nursery and started organizing and getting ready for this little princess. It went a lot better emotionally than I thought it would. We still have more to do in there but had to put it on hold b/c my brother in law is coming for a visit and will stay in there. My mom and I also started a quilt for Amelia. I cant wait till it is done and she is here :D

I am finally starting to get excited and am hopeful for a great outcome this time!!

Here are a couple pictures from my ultrasound and one of the quilt laid out in squares...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

25 1/2 wks... 12 or less to go!!

I am happy to say I am 25 1/2 wks as of today!! We had a really good report at the Dr's last week. For one we are definitely having another little girl :D and secondly Amelia was 1 lb 13 oz. Which they said is in the 57th percentile so they were happy all around. I was thrilled to hear she was that size b/c Emma at 31 wks was only 2 lbs. 3 oz. So seems as though the shots are doing there job. My appointments have been moved to every 2 wks. Mostly for my own sanity. Amelia is starting to be very active certain times of the day mostly morning (when I want to sleep in) but I am so happy and grateful for every kick and movement. We have less than 12 weeks to go until we can meet our little girl.. I know that doesn't seem like that long but some days it feels like an eternity. But once again just taking things a week at a time and every time we get a good report from the Drs. I feel a bit better as well. I even managed to buy her a bathrobe and a little outfit w/ cherries on it. And I am thinking that next week it is time to pack up all the boy stuff and re access what we have. WHEW.... I feel really good this time BUT there is always that lingering doubt in the back of my mind. DH has started to talk about Amelia and all the things he is looking forward to doing with her. I want to go there but am afraid. But just for today I will be happy to be this far :D

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Two Years...

WOW.. can it really be 2 years since all of this craziness began that has now become my "normal"?!? Two years ago I awoke with a bad feeling.. Emma was always one to not let me sleep in because she was hungry but this morning I awoke at 10am. I laid in bed poking my belly waiting for her to respond with a kick. NOTHING.. I don't remember how long I waited but I called the hospital (b/c it was a Saturday) and started crying just trying to get the words out to the nurse. She said just come on over and we will check everything out, its probably nothing. I also remembering sitting in the office downstairs getting registered. I was 31 wks so I wasn't yet registered for when I would give birth. I answered all these questions and just hoped in the back of my mind that everything would be ok. They got me upstairs and down for monitoring right away. And then it started... The nurse had trouble finding Emma's heartbeat, several nurses tried but to no avail. After the first 10 minutes they tried to get ahold of my OB but he was out of town, so the on call Dr was called instead. After 30 minutes of them trying I just new that something was terribly wrong. My fears were confirmed when the on call Dr, Dr. M did an ultrasound and had to tell me there was no heartbeat. I am so sorry! I lost it, broke down in tears... how could everything go so wrong so quickly. I had a perfect pregnancy with no problems and then BOOM she was gone. The rest of the day was a blur, I was induced and at 7:22 pm our firstborn, our perfect 2 lb 3 oz baby girl Emma LaRue was born. We said hello and goodbye at the same time on that awful day 2 years ago today.

Two years, 2 pregnancies, 2 losses and now expecting our 3rd child, holding my breath that this time is the "charm" and this little girl comes home. But no matter how much confidence I have in my Drs and their "plan" this time there is always the fear and dread of being in this same place yet again. I want to get excited and buy cute little girl outfits, and get her room all ready BUT I am frozen with fear.. I cant go through having to pack up all that stuff once again!! I am trying to just focus on the fact that I am still pregnant and she is almost viable. One week at a time...

Emma my love you will always be my firstborn. I will never forget all the "firsts" I experienced while pregnant with you. I am so thankful to have loved and carried you for the 31 wks I did. I will always miss you!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Not much to say

I really dont have much to say. I am happy to be in my 19th week. Feeling good, emotions are up and down. Still loving my doppler which is just the reassurance I need right now. Baby girl is making her presence know more and more but I still havent been able to feel a kick on the outside, nor has her daddy. But she has given me a couple good pops here and there.

Another reason I dont have a lot to say is a very dear online deadbabymama that is pregnant with me (about 2 wks ahead) found out her little girl has Trisomy 13. Its not good news and I just cant stop thinking about her, her family and her precious little girl. She has had lightening strike twice now. I want to be there for her in anyway possible but at the sametime I remember the hurt of seeing others have what you want so badly. Its a catch 22 and so I have been quiet. So (((HUGS))) my dear friend!! I am just so sorry, there truly are no words JUST TEARS!!!

I leave you with a belly shot from 18.5 wks.....

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Bittersweet Day

Today has been a bittersweet day. At this time last year I was in full blown labor with Logan. But as we all know it wasn't an excited, joyous labor but rather just a get through this knowing that at the end once again we would say hello and goodbye to him at the same time. I really do believe that labor is harder and takes longer when the baby has passed. Logan was born at 9:18pm one year ago. WOW.. hard to believe its been a year... I remember so much of that day vividly as if it just happened yesterday. I went in for my weekly appointment and my OB couldn't find the heartbeat. I could tell he was worried and I was starting to cry when he put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me next door to the local hospital for an ultrasound. He said he could just be laying the wrong way, don't give up yet. They got me down right away and immediately the tech said I'm so sorry but there is no heartbeat. I broke into sobs, I really thought I would only hear those words once.. almost a year before when we lost Emma. But once again there were those awful words. They admitted me and took me up to a birthing room, the one I had been in just 4 days previous for Logan's non stress test and stress test. But this time there was no hearing the beautiful heartbeat... Logan Thomas Kellar born "sleeping" at 9:18 pm, 5 lbs 8 oz, 19 inches, perfect in every single way.. if he would have only taken a breath.

Today was filled with some new memories for August 4th. We had an ultrasound and the tech is pretty sure we are having a girl. A baby sister... Everything was great and perfect on the ultrasound. The tech just kept saying everything is wonderful, no problems, she is growing a bit ahead, placenta looked healthy and smooth. It was such a relief. I needed that so very badly especially today. The ultrasound was probably 25-30 minutes and she showed us every little thing about our little girl. Then we met with a new Dr and he too continued to reassure us and was very happy with all the results. He said its a victory for today and I said baby steps and he completely agreed. One week at a time...

So today I remember my precious Logan and the wonderful 9 months I had with him. I will miss and love him always!! But we also move forward with this current pregnancy and the hope that Emma/Logan's baby sister ~ Amelia Rose will come home!!

Profile shot of our little girl

A 3D shot of Amelia Rose

Monday, August 3, 2009

1 year

Tomorrow is Logan's 1 year anniversary. Hard to believe that last year at this time I was having my last moments with my precious baby boy. I miss him very much but I feel that I am better handling his one year than I did Emma's. Although a big part of that could be the fact that I was also grieving the loss of Logan at the same time and everything was compounded. Or perhaps this new LO in my belly is helping me find some peace as well. Either way though I have had my rough moments over the last month/week and I know I will probably have a moment or two tomorrow as well. I really cant believe that its been a year since we said hello and goodbye to our little boy. MOMMY LOVES YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Memories from Last Year At This Time

In the past few weeks I have been remembering my times with Logan. I have decided to by date record some of those memories.

Saturday, July 12- Friends/family had thrown a coed baby shower for us. We had so much fun and I remember that night and the next day just looking through all the gifts and getting so excited to meet our little man.

Friday, July 25- My work threw me a surprise baby shower. I had no idea and was so stunned I started to cry. They were all so generous and many of them went together and purchased my glider and ottoman I had wanted so badly. All the gifts barely fit into my car. After work that I day I headed down to Pittsburgh for a weekend with Tommy's aunt and a baby shower for a friend that was prego with her rainbow baby boy as well.

Saturday, July 26- Chrissy's baby shower. She had a difficult pregnancy and went on bed rest early on. She was just past 34 wks and had been released from bed rest and was able to attend her shower. Our other friend Michelle was also prego w/ her rainbow baby boy Vinny. We were all due about 1-1.5 wks apart. And our other good friend was at the shower with her little rainbow miracle Lilly who was 2 months old. We all couldn't get enough of here. I remember holding Lilly and Logan kicking and going crazy at first but then they both settled down and feel asleep. What an amazing feeling- a baby inside and holding a baby as well.
A picture of all us girls. We were all so happy and excited!!

After the shower I went back to Tommy's aunts and we decided to go see Mamma Mia at the theater. I really enjoyed the movie and all the music. Logan was "dancing" and moving to the music as well. I just sat w/ my hand on my belly feeling his every move and just felt so happy and content. That's one of my best memories while prego with him.

Monday, July 28- I went for my weekly OB check w/ Dr. M. My BP had spiked a bit and he decided to have me work only 1/2 days at work and then as long as I went home and rested I could finish my day at home. It made me a little nervous but I trusted him and knew we were so close. I also was scheduled for my first NST that Thursday. Work was so cooperative and just wanted me and Logan to be ok. (Looking back a year later, I should have taken that as the first warning sign that something wasn't right- my BP spiked the week before we lost Emma as well. Turns out with both of them I was probably developing preeclampsia and didn't even know it.)

Thursday, July 31-I had my NST at 2pm. I didn't really know what to expect since I had never made it this far with Emma. They hooked up the heart monitor for Logan and then monitored if I was having any contractions as well. About an hr passed and the nurses brought me ice chips and OJ, Logan wasn't moving as much as they would have liked but I could ALWAYS hear his heartbeat loud and clear. Another hour and half and he still wasn't responding they way they wanted. My OB was at the hospital getting ready to do a c-sec and came in and said if it was any other patient he would just send them home but b/c of my history and my nerves he said he was willing to do a Stress Test (give me Pitocin to start some contractions and see how Logan's heart rate responded) if there was the slightest drop- he would do an emergency c-sec that night. They hooked up the Pitocin and it took awhile for anything to happen. It also turned out the it was Tommy's 38 b-day that day, and the whole time we were pregnant he would say how neat it would be if Logan and him shared a b-day. As I lay there waiting and listening to Logan's heartbeat I just couldn't imagine him coming that night. I didn't feel prepared, I still had his bag to finish packing and the nursery wasn't organized. I think I was more focused on that then the fact that I was 37 wks, he was full term and I could have had him that night. He would be here in my arms right now. Why did I worry about being ready? That's not what mattered. Finally after 5-6 contractions the nurse said he did ok and that Dr. M said to stop the Pitocin and I could go home. Why didn't I just say NO.. I want to have the c-sec or just continue the Pitocin? He most likely would have been perfectly fine and healthy. But instead I let them stop the Pitocin, and discharge me and I went home. Little did I know I would never hear my little boys heartbeat again....

Ok I'm rather drained I'll write the rest of this another day...

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My Life-Saver

This little device is such lifesaver for me right now. Anytime I get the slightest panic or a full on "freak out" I just lay down, find the baby's heartbeat and marvel at the sound. It is truly the best sound in the world right now!! Thank you my dear Liesel for allowing me to borrow this wonderful Doppler!! Its giving me some peace of mind and calm when not much else is. So there's that. Still taking it one day at a time!!

On another note a fellow deadbaby mama had her daughter by emergency c-sec on Sunday @ 29 wks. She noticed a decrease in kicks (as she was regularly doing her kick counts) and went to the hospital.. this is what saved her precious little girl. Kick counts are SO IMPORTANT!! She is holding her own for now but she has a long road. Keep them in your thoughts!!

And its my parents 30th anniversary today!! Happy Anniversary Dad & Mom...way to go!!

Sunday, July 19, 2009

16 weeks ~ 4 months

Well I have made it 4 months by the end of this week. In 2 weeks at my next OB check and ultrasound I will be 1/2 thru this pregnancy (b/c they will most likely take this little one by c-sec/ or induce me @ 37 wks). WOW!! That's a good feeling. I am still nervous but just for today I am trying to enjoy what is happening. Speaking of that, a wonderful friend of mine, love ya Liesel sent me her Doppler to use while prego. I have been able to find the heartbeat 2x so far. I am trying not to go overboard with using it all the time. But last night I just marveled at my baby's good strong heartbeat in the mid 150's. I must say that is the BEST SOUND IN THE WORLD!! I recorded it on my phone so I can just play it back every once in awhile. Then as I was falling asleep I felt my first definite "flutters". As if this LO was saying I'm in here and I'm ok mom. I do love those first flutters and cant wait till I get some good kicks and Tommy can feel it as well!!

My emotions are up and down so I went to a chiropractor/nutritionist that deals with emotions and I do feel better after seeing him. I wish I could go to him every couple of weeks but since he is almost 2 hrs away that's a little hard. But I will go as often as I can. Its amazing how things in your past can effect your thoughts now and you don't even realize it. I really do feel "lighter" after seeing him... at least till the next major freak out. LOL

On another note I am quickly approaching the 1 yr mark for my precious baby boy Logan. Its hard to believe that last year at this time I was 8.5 months pregnant and getting all ready for him. Its sad but at the same time I feel a certain peace about it as well. I miss him terribly as well as his big sister and I will always have pieces of me missing. But I also know that letting go a bit is good for me and this new LO. In fact the ultrasound where we will hopefully find out boy/girl is on August 4th (Logan 1 yr). I scheduled that without even realizing but again I think its a good thing. A moving forward and yet remembering as well. I love you Emma/Logan and miss you both very much!!!

Monday, June 29, 2009

Meet Baby #3- Appt Update

Meet Baby # 3 @ 12 wks and 3 days. He/she is measuring bigger and about a week ahead. That is big news b/c Emma/Logan both were very small for their gestational age. Which the Dr felt was b/c of my placenta not being as healthy from day one and then combine the clotting issue and well its not good. So measuring a bit bigger for me was exciting. Also all of my testing for downs/ trimsomy and other chromosome problems came back negative. More good news. And I am also happy to say I am in my 2nd trimester. So 1 down and 2 to go. I can do this just focus on one day at a time and BREATHE!!

The shots are already just a "part of my day". The needle doesn't hurt for the most part but the medicine does burn and in some areas more than others. If this works it will be worth every single prick and burn... My mom keeps saying this baby better appreciate what you have done for it one day. I just hope I get the chance to tell him/her how much they meant to me and that I would have done ANYTHING for them. I will have another ultrasound on Aug 4th and if baby is cooperating we should find out the sex at that point. I don't care either way, but I want to know. Also I know its early but I am feeling little flutters randomly from this little one as well. I cant wait till I definitely know he/she is in there w/ a good kick or punch but for now just enjoying the flutters and tickles...

Most days I feel really good and optimistic about this pregnancy and this baby.. But those bad memories and what ifs still linger on other days. I'm already so in love w/ this little one, it amazes me the attachment you feel especially once you see them on an ultrasound and they look like a baby rather than a bean. And its amazing to think that you get to have the privilege and joy to carry him/her. I just hope my body and me can keep this little one safe until they are safe in my arms...

Saturday, June 20, 2009

12 WEEKS ~ YAY!!!

I am 12 weeks today. Next week I will start my second trimester. YAY!!! One almost down and 2 to go. I can do this. BABY STEPS... One day at a time.

I have another ultrasound of Tuesday. I'm excited to see how much this little one has changed in the past month. From a little kidney bean to looking more like a little person. I'll try to post after my appt but I am going to be out of town for a couple days so might not be until the end of the week.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009


WOW.. I knew I hadn't posted in awhile but didn't realize that it had been over 2 months. Guess I def have some catching up to do. I was rereading my last post at the beginning of April and how at the end I said I hoped that month was our month. Well it turns out it was. I know many of you already know but yes we are pregnant and due January 2010 although more than likely we will have our little one in December sometime. April was a happy and stressful month all at the same time. On the 24th I was unexpectedly laid off from work with no promise of a return. I was scheduled for AF the next day or two. I remember thinking on one hand I hope we aren't pregnant b/c that brings up so many issues with not working, need insurance etc. But on the other hand I kept thinking that if we aren't we would be waiting to TTC once again for who knows how long and that was really hard to deal with.

I waited till Sunday to test, I thought I saw a faint line but then talked myself out of it. Tuesday rolled around and still no AF, so I took another test and this time there was a definite second line. I pulled out the first test and the pink line was definitely darker on the 2nd test. I was excited and scared at the same time. I knew DH and myself would be stressing about not only the pregnancy but insurance and everything else. We both were mostly just in shock at first and holding our breath to see if this one would "stick" so to speak. I saw my regular OB and he scheduled an ultrasound to check for viability and a heartbeat. I had that on May 22, at 7 wks 6 days. Our bean was on there moving around and more importantly a good strong heartbeat. I was so relieved. After the ultrasound we started to tell family and some friends. Then on June 9th I finally met with the high risk Dr's (I had a consult w/ them back in Oct.) They had me start on injections of Lovenox 2x a day right away. I was also very happy and impressed b/c before I could even ask "What the plan this time?" he lined it out, especially the big weeks and what type of testing and so forth we will have this time. I told him emotionally I cant make it to 40 wks and he said the furthest he would ever let me go is 39, I said that's still too much, how about 36/37 wks. He said earliest he would like to do anything is 37. Do an amino to check the lungs and then be induced or c-sec. At this point I am thinking c-sec just b/c it takes more things out of the equation for problems such as when in labor. But I also feel very confident in the 3 Dr's I will see and that they will do what is best for me and our baby. I am still so scared but for now I will take it a day at a time and rely on the Dr's.

So I knew that I was going to have to do these self injections 2x a day during this pregnancy and was really nervous b/c I HATE NEEDLES!! The first one I shook, cried and think I even closed my eyes when I put the needle in. LOL But I did it and 6 days later its getting easier and easier. Its just a part of my day now. 8am & 8pm- numb w/ ice, inject and more ice b/c the medicine BURNS... I know it is for a good reason and that makes it easier too. I am 11wks and 3 days today. I will have an ultrasound in 1 week to check for chromosome abnormalities ect. Cant wait to see out little one again...

When I found out we were expecting again I debated on whether I should start a separate blog but I ultimately have decided that I will continue to post on this one about this rainbow baby as well. Emma, Logan and this LO are all intertwined and one wouldn't exist without the other so to speak. So this blog will be a place to share all my feelings whether it be this new LO, or my babies that aren't with me...

8X8 All about Me!

I've been tagged by Mrsmuelly @ The Chronicles of Incompetent Cervix

I did this on Tuesday the 16th but forgot to post. Silly me... Enjoy...

Mention who tagged you.
Complete the list of 8's.
Tag 8 other people.

~Having an ultrasound in one week
~Moving into my 2nd trimester
~Having a bit more energy... I am so TIRED
~Finding out if this little one is a boy or girl
~Feeling the first flutters and kicks from this little one
~December and meeting this little one and bringing him/her home
~As much as I love being pregnant, when this one is over.. and baby is safe in our arms
~Seeing Tommy with this little one.....

~Slept in till 11- life of being on unemployment
~Had lunch w/ my neighbors (she is 10 wks further than me) Burgers, fries and strawberries...
~Gave myself my shots- 2x
~Watched TV
~Talked to my mom on the phone
~Took a nap... I know I had a rough day
~Helped Tommy water all our flowers and his garden, everything is beautiful!!

~Have Emma/Logan here with me now.. Man would I have my hands full
~Go on a vacation- beach, sun, warm
~Have enough money to fix our house.. kitchen, bathroom, new carpet...
~Know that at the end of this pregnancy that I WILL bring home this rainbow baby!!
~Figure out if I need to work or can stay home the rest of this pregnancy
~Travel with my hubby
~Go to sleep and wake up with our baby in my arms...skip the worry and anxiety filled months to come.
~Not worry and stress about the outcome of this pregnancy...

Grey's Anatomy
Desperate Housewives
The Bachelorette
Private Practice
The Next Food Network Star
Wipeout- With Tommy for a good laugh
Rachel Ray...

~Fresh fruit in season- strawberries/blueberries/blackberries/grapes/pineapple/watermelon
~Cookies- chocolate chip or craizen oatmeal
~Tomato soup and grilled cheese
~Twice baked potatoes
Ok so now I'm hungry...

Grand Cayman
South Dakota
North Carolina

New Zealand


Toni at Toni Conrad

Jodi at Life is Now

Chelsea at The Drews

Elizabeth at The Paynes

Your turn! Tell me all about it :-)

Thursday, April 2, 2009


I had a very vivid dream last night, so much so that when I first awoke I had to figure out if it was real or not. I don’t remember all the specifics but I do now that I had a baby boy in it and it wasn’t Logan. I couldn’t see any distinct facial features but I knew he was mine. And at some point in the dream someone asked what he weighed and I said 4 lbs 1 oz. I cant remember specifically but I’m pretty sure he was early and defiantly a preemie at that size. I know my mom was in the dream and I think my grandma too. I don’t remember too much else but I know I was happy. Then I awoke and realized it was all a dream and it just set the tone for the rest of the day to be a tough one. I cried in the shower and several times at work as well. Yesterday was 19 months since Emma was born sleeping and Saturday will be 8 months without Logan. Once again I thought that by now I would be prego again and although each anniversary would be hard that somehow it would be easier to cope knowing there was a new life growing inside me. But that’s just a dream right now too. I feel like a broken record… I wanna be pregnant, I wanna be a mom to a living, breathing baby, I don’t want to be sad ALL THE TIME, I want to feel “normal” again. I JUST WANT WHAT SEEMS TO COME SO EASY TO EVERYONE ELSE!! A BABY!!

On a different note, I am going to see a different Dr next week. He is a chiropractor but also deals with emotional/nutritional things as well. My cousin who had a late miscarriage @ 19 wks a year or so ago, went to him b/c she was having a really hard time dealing with everything. He really helped her and she feels that he will be able to do the same for me. I REALLY hope she is right, b/c I need to find a way to deal with this better than I am now, and I WONT go back on an antidepressant. Not that I have a problem with them, but for me they just don’t do the trick. So anyway… I really hope this Dr. K can do something/anything for me. A little over a week and I’ll know one way or another. I keep trying to tell myself that the longer I wait to get prego the better it will be. My body will be more prepared. But I think it’s had long enough… time to get this show on the road. Time for a BFP and OUR rainbow!!! PLEASE LET APRIL BE OUR MONTH!!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Multiple Personalities

I feel like I have multiple personalities lately. Not in the “crazy” way, but just in the sense that I have to put on this particular “face” that everything is ok, fine and dandy. I put on this “face” every morning when I leave the house and for anyone that see’s me that is who/what they see. I am kind, friendly even jovial at times. But deep down the other person (the deadbabymamma me) is hurting and all she wants to do it crawl back in bed, pull the covers over my head and wake up when I have my rainbow in my arms kicking/screaming. I miss the old me- the me that was a pretty happy, all around nice person. I used to smile by choice and generally enjoyed life. But anymore it just seems as though EVERYTHING is a reminder of what I don’t have. I remember after both losses the acute pain I would have even just going to the grocery store. Seeing all the families, moms, pregnant ladies etc, I would rush around and try to get out of there as quickly as possible. Well I seem to be back to that anxious, overwhelming feeling once again. All I can see is what I am missing- the 18.5 month old, Emma and the 7.5 month old, Logan. Wow- I would certainly have my hands full. Instead I can run around and do whatever I please b/c there is no one else there to worry about. SIGH… In my mind at this point I thought for sure I would be prego again. Scared/nervous but baking another little one. But no, that isn’t the case either. Instead I plaster on a smile and pretend I am “OK”. But as soon as I am alone in my office, or the bathroom or even in bed at night, watch out b/c out comes the other me along with tears. I really do believe that I have cried more tears in the past 1.5 years of my life than in my almost 27 yrs of life. Buckets and buckets full… I feel as though I am always right on the edge of completely losing it. I just heard a fellow deadbabymamma had a perfect beautiful baby boy last week and I am so happy for her. She deserves all the happiness in the world. And for just a second it give me hope that maybe one day I will be one of the “it can happen” stories. I just hope that I can weather my multiple personalities until then.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

In A Funk...

I keep going MIA… for one thing I have been insanely busy and another just haven’t known what to say or write. Many bloggers write everyday about what they are doing. For me blogging is an escape and putting things into writing that I just can’t seem to find the words for, or is just too painful to discuss. So anyway, I am back. Since I last wrote, I pasted 18 months without my Emma and 7 without Logan. Hard to believe… it feel so fresh and new recently again. I don’t cry all the time like I did at first but I just feel completely surrounded by this sadness and I just can’t overcome or lessen the pain. March 5th- marked the beginning of this horrendous journey that is still going on. March 5, 2007 is when I found out I was pregnant with our baby girl. I remember how excited we both were. 2 years I have been on this road. 2 yrs, 2 pregnancies into the 3rd trimester and still no baby in my arms. WOW… Perhaps that has to something to do with why I feel so blue and sad all the time. Sure I can put on a good face when I need to but deep down I am barely holding it together. When we lost Logan, Tommy and I had discussed waiting nine months to a year before TTC again. As time passed though I knew I couldn’t wait that long, when I saw Dr. T in October, it had been 3 months and he told me I needed to wait at least 3 more. He recommended 6-12 months. Ok I can handle that I told myself. So January rolled around and we unofficially ttc. I tested 3 days early and there it was a BFP. Just as we were starting to get excited, I started to bleed and when I tested again, it was BFN. What happened? After talking to my OB, he said it was a chemical pregnancy or very early miscarriage, they are fairly common but most women don’t know about them b/c they don’t test early. Sure I had to be the impatient, anxious one. So anyway we took off one month and are hopefully back on for this month. The part that is so hard is, at some point in my head I told myself I would have a baby in my arms and at home in the year 2009. I wouldn’t have to go a whole year without getting my rainbow. Originally that gave us 3 months of ttc before we would be into 2010. Well SUDDENLY it’s the “last chance” so to speak. If it doesn’t happen this month, I WONT HAVE MY RAINBOW IN 2009! Sure that doesn’t sound so bad but for me it seems like the end of the world. I feel selfish even saying that b/c I know there are so many out there that have been ttc for years or even those that cant conceive and here I am complaining but for me that’s how I feel. I always worry about how I will make others feel and I truly hope that doesn’t upset anyone. But we all have our own “things” to deal with. And that is mine. So here’s hoping that I get pregnant and more importantly that this lo STICKS. Baby steps… one day at a time.

On another note, my BIL came and visited and stayed with us last week. It was very nice to see him. It was a busy week but nice. He was the first one to stay in the nursery since it has been finished. Before he came my mom and I straightened up and made more room. Then Tommy ran cable up to the room so he could watch TV. It was REALLY hard to be in that room. Everything is ready… the clothes are still hanging in the closet and others in the dresser. There are toys, and a crib and stroller etc. We put a sheet over it to make it looked more organized. After my mom left I cried so hard… for what could’ve been.

Just need a ray of hope and sunshine in all the gloominess…

Thursday, February 5, 2009

This Stinks....

I'll keep this short and sweet. Not pregnant after all. Not sure if it was a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage but whatever it was, it wasnt a little one and not pregnant. Really bummed and sad and well nothing else to say. I am sorry that I got everyone all excited. Sorry!
Gonna hang out in the "pit" for a day or so...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009


Well I am back. I have been really busy and just not a lot to say. But a lot has happened in the past 6 weeks. First, long story short I had been out of touch with most of my family for 5+ years (my fault) but that has all changed and we have been making up for lost time over the past few weeks. It has been wonderful and it was as if we just picked up where we left off. No awkwardness, just kindness and love. I am loving every minute! My mom and I cant spend enough time together. Our first weekend together we stayed up until 4:30 am just talking. That same weekend we went and visited w/ all my uncles, aunts, cousins, and “nieces & nephews”. I cant believe how they have changed and grown up. They were so sweet. The youngest, Noah was only 2 when everything happened and didn’t remember me, but he gave me a big hug and called me Aunt Mandy. Brought tears to my eyes. The 2 girls Molly & Emily were 8 & 7 when I left, so they of course remembered me, they were so happy and excited to see me. It was quite the “family reunion” so to speak. Here’s a few pictures.

The next big news I just learned as of yesterday. WE ARE PREGNANT! YEP, I GOT A BFP YESTERDAY! It was our first month officially trying and I wasn’t going to test until Wed. but had an extra test and thought lets just see. 3 minutes later, there was the one word PREGNANT. I was flabbergasted, shocked and started to cry. Tears of joy/happiness mixed with fear. I was trying to figure out how to tell Tommy in a cute way, so I had bought him a new pair of jeans the day before and he hadn’t seen them yet, so I put the pregnancy text in the pocket sticking out and told him I hoped he like the jeans and to pull them out of the bag and have a look. At first he didn’t see the test, and then he just looked and said “No way. Your pregnant”. He is very happy but scared and anxious as well. Then today I put the test in a box and wrapped in up and gave it to my mom and dad and said it was just a little something from Tommy and me for everything they have done for us. My dad didn’t know what it was at first and my mom thought for a minute, a purple marker, what? Then they both realized and got very excited. We are all very happy but you can definably tell we are somewhat reserved due to the anxiety as well. There are a couple of pics below. My mom will probably scold me b/c she say she looks terrible, but she just isn’t feeling well. I had to “capture the moment”.

Part of me wants to “shout it from the rooftop” and the other part keeps saying it so early and things could go wrong… for the moment though I am just going to try and enjoy. Pretty sure I am still in shock and it hasn’t sunk in. I called Dr. T (high risk OB) and I have an appt. with him on Wednesday Feb 25 for a viability scan and consultation and also a script to start the Lovenox. So till then we will just wait and see and KFC that there is no bleeding or spotting between now and then. Baby steps… one at a time.

As a side not if I didn’t call or text you personally please don’t be hurt, I was just so worried about hurting others who may be ttc or waiting. I don’t know which way is better but please know I thought about your feelings a lot and truly hope that I cause no pain. I love you all and I am going to need each and everyone of you to “hold my hand” and try and keep me sane. Here’s hoping for a boring, uneventful 9 months and a beautiful healthy, breathing baby that comes home at the end…