Emma's 1 year

My own personal hell started one year ago today. It was Saturday Sept 1st and I woke up about 10 am. I immediately had a bad feeling b/c Emma usually wouldn't let me sleep in cause she was hungry. I laid in bed trying to see if I felt her move. But nothing. I called the hospital in tears, they told me to come in and they would check me out, but that everything was probably fine. The nurses tried to find her heartbeat for almost in hour. I remember they kept hearing something but then they would realize it was just my heartbeat. After awhile I could see in there eyes that it was bad news but they couldn't tell me that. The dr on call finally got there around 12pm and he immediately did a sonogram. It was only a few seconds and he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said I'm so sorry, there is no heartbeat. I lost it, he hugged me and wouldn't let go. When I finally let go, I asked now what. He said you'll have to give birth and we'll induce. At 1pm they started the induction. The rest of the day is kinda blurry, family and friends were in and out. About 6pm my contraction were every minute. Finally a nurse came and checked me at 6:45 and said her heads there and it was time. My dr came right at 7pm. After pushing for just a bit, Emma LaRue was born "sleeping" at 7:22pm. She was perfect 2 lbs, 3 oz, 15 inches. She had gotten a knot in her cord and it proved fatal. I was 31 wks at the time.

Its now September 1, 2008, and Emma's one year of course would be hard but I would have here baby brother Logan here to lessen the pain. But no once again I didn't bring home my baby. Instead I left with a box of mementos. So now not only am I mourning my daughter who would be 1, but also her baby brother who should be here in my arms. All I want is a baby, to be a mom! Yes I know I am a mom, but well lets be honest most days I don't feel like one. I look around at everyone else with there strollers and little ones running around and don't understand why I cant have that too. I mean I'm a good person and I would be a wonderful mom. WHY??? What if I never get to have a baby? I have certainly learned there are no guarantees, lightening does strike the same person twice. Sigh... But for just today I'll just focus on the time I had with my baby girl. A wonderful 31 weeks, I loved every minute of it. I'll never forgot the first time I felt her kick. I knew from day one it was a girl. A mom just knows! No one could tell me different. And I was right, on June 28, 2007 my intuitions were confirmed, it was girl. Tommy and I were so excited. We couldn't wait to meet our baby girl. And we did just not the way we thought. We said hello and goodbye all at the same time.

I love you Emma and miss you everyday! XOXO