I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Catch up

It's been a week since my last post so I have quite a bit to catch you all up on. So here goes... Friday was my first day back to work. I was really anxious but overall it didn't go too bad. I spent a good part of the morning "catching up" with the girls I work with. They were so sweet and listened to everything that I have been going through. Then we went to lunch for our favorite stuff at Ruby Tuesday. Then I ended up leaving early b/c I had to go get Tommy since we are down to 1 car right now. I was only there for 6 hrs but at times it seemed a lot longer. Then we had to get ready and go to the wedding rehearsal for the wedding Tommy was in. As soon as we get there the groom's nephew who is 6 months is there. He is so cute but it definatly caused a stab in the heart being around him. There wasnt anyone to watch him at the church so I did. I love him but it was really hard to keep it together. Then after we went to the rehearsal dinner. Again it was nice to be around friends. After dinner all the groomsmen were going to the grooms house to spend the night. I really didnt want Tommy to go but I couldnt tell him that, so I kissed him, told him to have fun and be careful and let him go. But as soon as he was gone I lost it! COMPLETELY! It was that hard, full body shaking sob where you cant stop. I came home grabbed one of Logans stuffed animals, went into the nursery and cried till I had no tears left. ITS NOT FAIR! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE IN THE SMALL GROUP THAT LOSE MORE THAN ONCE, WHILE OTHERS TAKE HOME THERE RAINBOW BABIES EVERY DAY. I SHOULD BE... Why??? I dont know if I am strong enough to survive this time. Everyone keeps saying your so strong, your amazing, what if its all a facade and in reality I am weak, lost, terrified and well just plain ANGRY! I want my babies! I can hardly believe that in the matter of 11 months & 4 days I lost not 1 but 2 babies. I dont think even the strongest, bravest person could survive that. So what chance do I have. These are the things I think when I am alone with my thoughts and my grief.

Saturday was the wedding. Tommy looked so handsome and many told me I looked beautiful although I didnt feel that way. I felt on the verge of a breakdown most of the day, but somehow I held it together. I even had a few moments of "fun" and enjoyed myself at times. But it was always there in the back to bring me back to reality. Plus it was really hard to be away from Tommy most of the day. Since he was with the wedding party and all. But we did have a couple nice slow dances where we held each other close. I love him so very much! It was a beautiful wedding and a great party. We fell into bed after 12am, exhausted from the day. Sunday we both slept in. We had a BBQ at the bride & grooms house in the afternoon. Again we were around the baby boy and this time Tommy was holding him. That is even harder than me holding him. All I could think is he should be holding his baby boy, Logan. And that I let both of them down. I know its not my fault but I still cant help feeling guilty and like it was my responsibility. Tommy will be such a wonderful dad and what if b/c of me he never is. Sigh.. I really HATE my life right now. All I want is a healthy baby THAT COMES HOME! I dont think that too much to ask. Grrrrrrr!!!! So after being there a couple hours I was done, but Tommy wanted to stay, so again rather than ask him to come home with me I left him there and went home by myself. And once again the tears flowed, flowed and flowed till there was no more. Thats become my life. THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT!!

Ok so I think that's enough doom and gloom. Here are some pictures from the weekend. Enjoy!

Tommy & I at the rehearsal dinner

Carter & His beautiful mommy Chelsea
Tommy & I at the wedding

My Handsome Hubby

The Bride & Groom
Tommy & Kenny- Best Buds
Chels & I being goofy

A nice one


Tiffi33 said...

You DO look fabulous!
don't think otherwise!!

and have you looked into a therapist yet? maybe one that specializes in infant loss?
I think that you could use the support and perspective that a professional can give.

While I have not been thru what you have been thru, I am in therapy weekly for other reason (mainly I am kind of whacked..lol..but still loveable!)

I know cyber-hugs are a poor excuse for the real thing, but you need them

Anonymous said...

lovely photos. you look great in purple. "it's not fair", that's actually the title of my latest blog post, so needless to say i understand. i too lost out on my rainbow child, and THAT is utterly not fair. wtf!?

it's great that your getting out and balancing your crying spells. that's the story of my life. i'm on the verge of tears at all times. when they threaten to surface i find a quiet place and give in. i'm sorry your going through this.

mrsmuelly said...

U'm glad you have outings to distract you. I understand that it's never fully out of your head, but sometimes it's good to let it all slip to the back and "pretend" to be somewhat normal. The short story is that it sucks, plain and simple. It's not fair that we are part of this small percentage at all! I don't know what we did to be here, but I find some comfort in knowing we are not alone. I know it's not much considering the deep dark despair we are wading thru...but it's what I hold on to. All my love. -windy