I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Getting Back to My Roots

Its time I talk about a few things. I have a lot going on and I want to share. I have hesitated because of the reactions but this blog is mine and I want to be able to share anything. I was raised as a Jehovah's witness. But right before I turned 21, I decided to leave and move in with Tommy. I needed a break I guess. Because of the way in which I left my family including my parents stopped talking to me. Over the next few years I kept telling myself I didn't need them, or the things that I was raised with but it was always there in the back of my mind. When we lost Emma, so many of my family came to support us and it was nice to have them back but slowly as time passed I still didn't feel the need to go back. I still believed what I was raised with but again stayed away. My relationship with my parents and family eventually went back to the way it was. But the day that I found myself back in the same situation with knowing I was going to have to go through the pain of labor only to hold my stillborn son I didn't hesitate to call them to be there with us. They were there as quick as could be. And continued to be there for us. Each time I was with them they would encourage me come back to my roots, so to speak. I knew it was time but I kept putting it off. See it wasn't as simple as going back and everyone would greet me with open arms. Because of what I had done by leaving I have to prove myself and show how sorry I am for the mistakes I made. I know this may seem strange to many of you. But anyway with all the emotional things I was already going through I didn't think I could handle that as well. But one Sunday I just decided enough stalling it was time to go back. I wanted my babies to be proud of their mom. (See I had told myself that when Emma/Logan were born then I would go back b/c I wanted them to learn as well.) But when I lost Logan I realized that I still would want them to be proud of me and that I had no more excuses. It was time. So Sunday morning I got dressed and went. It was terrifying to walk back in there. Oh and I forgot to add that there are 3 babies (3 boys and 1 girl) that were born with days and weeks of Logan. So there was that too. But I managed to overcome all the fears and anxiety and went. When the first song started I began to cry. It felt so right. I had missed that feeling of purpose that it had given me. That was Sept 21 and I have continued to go. Sometimes it is very difficult, such as when a new baby boy came for the first time. Again it was a reminder of what should be. And the 4 little ones are now 3 months old. And there are times the sadness gets the best of me and I break down. But I know that it is helping me so much and its something else to focus on. It is still hard and things are still not back to normal but I am being patient and it is helping me to become a better person. And I know that when I do become pregnant again, it will help give me the peace of mind that I need when I get stressed out. It will help me be a better wife, mom and person in general. It has meant a lot of changes for Tommy and I as well, but I couldn't ask for a better and more supportive hubby. We definitely have different religious beliefs but he is completely supportive of me returning and even at times when I am frustrated and he doesn't understand all of it, he still gives me a hug and tells me it'll get better. How did I get such a great guy? I love him with everything! Ok well that is the update and this is one of the reasons I have been MIA. So thanks for reading and I'm glad I shared all of that.

4 comments:

Monica H said...

I'm glad you shared all of this too. It's hard to talk about religion, but it is what it is and it is what we are.

I hope you find comfort in returning to your roots.

Amanda said...

Thanks Monica. I appreciate you saying that. I am glad I shared too. Hope you are doing good. Take care.

The Greco's said...

Amanda - I can't tell you how happy I am that you are returning to Jehovah. I hadn't realized that I was reading the blog of a long lost sister!

I left "my roots" when I was young too but returned to Jehovah when I was 24. I'm 36 now and can't imagine being anywhere else.

Seeing babies at the hall is excruciating for me too but the benefits far outweigh the hardship. My tip: sit in the front and make sure you use the bathroom before the meeting starts!

Looking forward to your full return.

Allison

Amanda said...

Thank you Allison. Its def. a challenge but I know its where I need to be more than ever. And I have certainly changed in the 5 yrs I was away. I too cant wait for my full return. Waiting patiently. Thanks.