Rainbows

I added a picture and a quote from a fellow deadbabymama about what a rainbow baby means. I think the picture and her explanation go together. I don't know when I will get my rainbow, but I wont give up until I do. And when the time does come it will be as if the little life growing inside of me is the rainbow amidst the storm that is my life. So I am going to try my best and see the positive and good rather than focusing on the storm that is swilling around me everyday. So may there be a little bit of light in a dark, stormy world for each one of us.

One Year Ago...

I have been in a funk lately. On the 23rd last year I took a HPT and found out we were expecting again. I had been in such a bad place and it was our first month of trying after our Emma passed in September. Even before I took the test I told myself, its only the first month, don't get your hopes up. I had already told myself it would be negative, I prepared myself for the disappointment. But there it was in BIG pink letters "PREGNANT"! I was shocked! Tommy was away for the night so I couldn't tell anyone. I did call one friend but swore her to secrecy until I told Tommy the next day. Its funny how with just the one small test and that word I suddenly felt hope again. We were pregnant and we would bring our rainbow home. A baby brother or sister for Emma. The next day as soon as Tommy was home I told him. He was so happy and excited as well. We both realized it was still very early and a lot could go wrong but we couldn't resist calling family and friends. We needed all the support and help we could get over the next 9 months. I was so scared something would go wrong, but I truly deep in my gut thought it wont happen again, lightening doesn't strike twice. HA. Boy was I wrong.

I told Tommy the other night I cant believe it is almost 2009. But that I am quite happy to see 2008 go. Its once again been a year of unbelievable joy and sadness all mixed into one. I remember saying something very similar last year at this time as I said farewell to 2007. The last 2 years have brought more love, joy, sadness, anger, disappointment, excitement, grief... then some people experience in a lifetime. It wasn't all bad because I will always cherish every moment that I spent prego with Emma and Logan right up to the point that I said hello and goodbye in the same breath.

Here's hoping that 2009 is better and that FINALLY we will bring home our RAINBOW BABY!

Baby 18- REALLY??

The Duggars welcomed there 18th child this past Thursday. Really?? Number 18. Why does she get to have 18 perfect healthy children and I cant even have one? Is it too much to ask? I like to watch a lot of TLC shows but I cant watch anything on that channel because they keep having a commercial for the hour special they are having this Monday all about the birth of their new little one. So I'll just avoid that channel for now.

On another note I started working out and going to the gym this week. I went 4 days, I figure that is pretty good for my first week. Hopefully I'll keep it up. I have really been enjoying it and for the most part feeling good. I did get a bit sore this past week but that was after I went 3 days in row. I think I might have just pushed it a little too soon. I have been trying to do between 30 & 40 minutes walking on the treadmill and then follow with some sit ups, leg lifts and stretches. Tommy and I try and go together on the days we can. Its nice to have the support of each other. Hopefully we both will get in better shape.

I am having a tough time lately. Sure I can put on a great face and get through the day but as soon as I have a moment when its just me, the tears start to fall and I find it hard to stop them. I miss my babies so very much! I am surrounded by little ones that remind me of what I should have. I mentioned going back to meetings, well there are 5 babies. 4 of them (3 boys and 1 girl) were born within days and weeks of Logan. The 5th one a little boy was born in October. It is so hard to see all of them with there parents and grandparents. There is a pain in my heart, my arms ache and I yearn to have that feeling. I ache to hold my little ones. I feel like the only thing that will help is getting pregnant again. But then in the next breath I worry that I am rushing and not facing all my emotions. But I need to know that I (we) are moving forward. And for me that is having a baby. I know it will be a long 9 months, a terrifying 9 months but I will do anything to get there and bring our rainbow baby home. I want to see Tommy's eyes light up when he holds his son/daughter for the first time. I want to see my dad and mom and Tommy's dad and mom hold there grand baby. When will it be our turn? I certainly hope it is sooner than later!

Emma/Logan- Mommy misses you so very much! Each day there is a new ache/yearn that I have with you being gone. Emma- I still remember the first time I felt you move. About a week later your Daddy got to feel you for the first time too. That was the most amazing feeling I had ever experienced. I made a mixed CD of classical music for you. I know you loved that CD b/c you would move and kick when I would play it. I loved reading to you before I would go to sleep. Charlotte's Web- my favorite book when I was young. I love that time together. I cherish every moment of the 31 weeks I carried you. Love you baby girl, you will always be my firstborn!

Logan- my little pumpkin. You were always such an active little guy. I can remember how you would kick my desk when I was at work. I would always wait till I felt you kick or move 3x at night before going to sleep and also in the morning before getting out of bed. It was always such a reassurance. The week before you passed I went to see Mamma Mia. I rubbed my belly as you jumped and danced to the music. I was so happy that weekend. Aunt Eva bought me the soundtrack to the movie and gave it to me the day of your memorial service. I finally listened to that CD this week. It brought back all the memories, good and bad. I miss you so so much!! And always will!! But I will never forget the almost 38 weeks that we had together. Love you!

Three Year Wedding Anniversary

I just thought I would post and catch you up on my last week or so. I have been crazy, busy with work lately. I really enjoy my job but lately it has been SO SO stressful. Just a lot going on and we just acquistioned another company so all kinds of things going on. Anyway, that along with all the usual stress (dealing with the loss of both my precious babies, going back to meetings, my own emotional inadequacies etc) its just been more than I can take the last week or so. On a happy note Tommy and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary this past Wednesday the 10th. We went out for a really nice dinner and then came home and watched a movie- The Incredible Hulk. It was a really nice night together. I told him at one point that the last three years marriage wise have been wonderful. I just hope that the rest of it gets better over the next 3+ years and beyond. We both deserve to be parents and get our beautiful rainbow baby! It was bittersweet in many ways. I so want to see Tommy with his lo. I know he will be a wonderful daddy. I want to see the joy on his face when he is handed our little girl or boy. I know its not my fault our babies didn't make it, but I cant help but feel responsible. I was supposed to protect and keep them safe. What happens if I can never give him what he deserves? SIGH... For as long as I can remember I have wanted ONE thing- TO BE A MOM! I love babies, children. I started babysitting when I was 11 yrs old. I have taken care of others lo's for so long. Twice I have been so close to having that dream come true. And yet it was once again torn from my arms so to speak. And now I find myself back at square one, waiting to TTC, waiting for the BfP and then waiting nine long months, always on edge just hoping that 3rd time is the charm and I bring home my rainbow baby. I certainly would have NEVER guessed this is where I would be at 26 yrs of age. So much has happened over the past 2 yrs. I am defiantly not the person I used to be. I am forever changed and I feel for the better. I always thought of myself as a compassionate, caring person but I like to think that since my losses I have become even more so. I also like to think that when the time does come I will be a better mother. Appreciating every moment and never taking anything for granted. This is not the path I would ever choose but its the one I have been put on and I will figure out how to navigate it, the good and the bad together. I love my babies, Emma & Logan and I always will. I will never feel complete and will always have 2 pieces of my heart missing. But its a constant journey to deal with this and to "move on" in the hopes of one day having Emma & Logan's baby brother/sister and finally becoming the mom I want to be.

Please Understand

I just need to say something and this seems the best way to do it. In a post a few wks ago I mentioned being raised as a JW (Jehovah's Witness) and that I have decided to go back. Over the past few years I had been involved with the Holidays b/c it was just easier than explaining that I didnt do that and yet wasnt involved in any other way. But this year and going forward I wont be celebrating Christmas or the other Holidays. I dont want anyone to think I am being rude or forgetting them by not sending cards. I will always think of all of you and your beautiful children. I know that many of you have already sent cards and I appreciate the thought. So thank you for thinking of me and my babies. I hope that I dont upset anyone.

I Finally Did It

Back on August 17th, I vented about random things and I also made a list of things that I was dreading. Well I have overcome another hurdle from that list. Here is a small excerpt of the original post
"List of things I am dreading...

I am dreading packing up the nursery once again. Except this time it was ready. Last time I had one box of clothes and other stuff for Emma. This time I will have boxes, boxes and more of clothes, books, blankets, towels, toys, bottles, lotions and all the other baby stuff. This time I had washed several loads of clothes etc and put them in his dresser, already for him to wear. Sigh..."

But Saturday I finally did just that. And it was awful and hard but it is done. I had forgotten just how much we had for our little Logan. When Logan passed we kind of just "tossed" all the stuff in the nursery and shut the door. But I cleaned, organized, sorted etc on Saturday. I went through all the books we received at the baby shower. (I put on the invitation how I wanted everyone to help start out Logan's library in the hopes that he would have an avid love of reading when he got older.) So I went through them all and even organized them on the bookshelf. Then I went through all the clothes. What I could fit I put in the dresser, the rest on hangers in the closet. I couldn't bear to box them up again. I did take all the bedding off the crib and put everything in a place. Collapsed the stroller, and overall found a place for everything. Then I went through the 2 boxes that we left the hospital with. One for Emma and one for Logan. They contained pictures, there footprints and hand prints, their ID bracelets as well as mine and Tommy, there birth and death certificates, etc. Last year I had bought this beautiful large round hat box for Emma's things and on Saturday I finally put both of there things in that box. I also went through all the cards and letter that were sent to us after both of them passing. I reread them and then stacked them and wrapped them in a pretty bow. I cried through all of this. It's so hard to think that is all that is left of them so to speak. That both of their "lives" can be stored in a box. SIGH... It was a rough day but I did it. I overcame another hurdle.

Later that night I received a text message from my mom. She had finished the curtains that were to go in the nursery. See two days before we lost Logan, I went and purchased the fabric to make curtains for his room. They were out of the gingham that I wanted so they special ordered it. When everything happened, I asked my mom to go pick it up b/c we both know the one lady that works there and I knew she would let my mom pick it up. I was terrified that I would get in there and break down and not even be able to talk. So she picked it up and then offered to make them for me. I gladly accepted. So anyway, they were done. I brought them home the next day and showed Tommy. We have to get new curtain rods so we cant hang them yet. But there we were standing in a room that is ready. We have everything we could need. We just need the baby... I fought back tears and am again now.

I have dreamt about babies every night for the past few weeks. Some I remember vividly, others just a piece but I know that there is a baby in each one. Sometimes it seems as though the baby is mine, other times its another little one I have been around. I want to think that it is my body telling me maybe I am pregnant. But I am afraid; if I am not I'll be disappointed and upset but on the other hand I think how can I be ready. My emotions are so confusing right now. I am trying to focus on the many who have gone on to have their rainbow baby/babies and I truly do believe that I will too. At least most of the time I do.

Ok, well I better get some sleep. Night...

PS- I am posting a picture of the bedding and theme we have in the nursery and eventually when we do set it all up again (when the next one is here safe and sound) I will post pictures of the room all done.