I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Three Year Wedding Anniversary

I just thought I would post and catch you up on my last week or so. I have been crazy, busy with work lately. I really enjoy my job but lately it has been SO SO stressful. Just a lot going on and we just acquistioned another company so all kinds of things going on. Anyway, that along with all the usual stress (dealing with the loss of both my precious babies, going back to meetings, my own emotional inadequacies etc) its just been more than I can take the last week or so. On a happy note Tommy and I celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary this past Wednesday the 10th. We went out for a really nice dinner and then came home and watched a movie- The Incredible Hulk. It was a really nice night together. I told him at one point that the last three years marriage wise have been wonderful. I just hope that the rest of it gets better over the next 3+ years and beyond. We both deserve to be parents and get our beautiful rainbow baby! It was bittersweet in many ways. I so want to see Tommy with his lo. I know he will be a wonderful daddy. I want to see the joy on his face when he is handed our little girl or boy. I know its not my fault our babies didn't make it, but I cant help but feel responsible. I was supposed to protect and keep them safe. What happens if I can never give him what he deserves? SIGH... For as long as I can remember I have wanted ONE thing- TO BE A MOM! I love babies, children. I started babysitting when I was 11 yrs old. I have taken care of others lo's for so long. Twice I have been so close to having that dream come true. And yet it was once again torn from my arms so to speak. And now I find myself back at square one, waiting to TTC, waiting for the BfP and then waiting nine long months, always on edge just hoping that 3rd time is the charm and I bring home my rainbow baby. I certainly would have NEVER guessed this is where I would be at 26 yrs of age. So much has happened over the past 2 yrs. I am defiantly not the person I used to be. I am forever changed and I feel for the better. I always thought of myself as a compassionate, caring person but I like to think that since my losses I have become even more so. I also like to think that when the time does come I will be a better mother. Appreciating every moment and never taking anything for granted. This is not the path I would ever choose but its the one I have been put on and I will figure out how to navigate it, the good and the bad together. I love my babies, Emma & Logan and I always will. I will never feel complete and will always have 2 pieces of my heart missing. But its a constant journey to deal with this and to "move on" in the hopes of one day having Emma & Logan's baby brother/sister and finally becoming the mom I want to be.

4 comments:

Monica H said...

Happy Anniversary to you both, I hope the future carries many joys for you.

mrsmuelly said...

Happy anniversary! I know how busy this time of year can be just in "normal" life. I hope it eases up a little.

As to your feelings of change...I agree. We will likely be better mother and appreciate more and realize a little more. It's awful that you had to go through all this though, because I you already are an amazing mother :-)

Jaded Girl said...

wow...we have so many similarities...same age...two precious babies missed...and just celebrated 3 years of marraige...if only we did not have to be missing out on our babies...that was the one thing i would have never imagined.

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