I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Memories from Last Year At This Time

In the past few weeks I have been remembering my times with Logan. I have decided to by date record some of those memories.

Saturday, July 12- Friends/family had thrown a coed baby shower for us. We had so much fun and I remember that night and the next day just looking through all the gifts and getting so excited to meet our little man.

Friday, July 25- My work threw me a surprise baby shower. I had no idea and was so stunned I started to cry. They were all so generous and many of them went together and purchased my glider and ottoman I had wanted so badly. All the gifts barely fit into my car. After work that I day I headed down to Pittsburgh for a weekend with Tommy's aunt and a baby shower for a friend that was prego with her rainbow baby boy as well.

Saturday, July 26- Chrissy's baby shower. She had a difficult pregnancy and went on bed rest early on. She was just past 34 wks and had been released from bed rest and was able to attend her shower. Our other friend Michelle was also prego w/ her rainbow baby boy Vinny. We were all due about 1-1.5 wks apart. And our other good friend was at the shower with her little rainbow miracle Lilly who was 2 months old. We all couldn't get enough of here. I remember holding Lilly and Logan kicking and going crazy at first but then they both settled down and feel asleep. What an amazing feeling- a baby inside and holding a baby as well.
A picture of all us girls. We were all so happy and excited!!

After the shower I went back to Tommy's aunts and we decided to go see Mamma Mia at the theater. I really enjoyed the movie and all the music. Logan was "dancing" and moving to the music as well. I just sat w/ my hand on my belly feeling his every move and just felt so happy and content. That's one of my best memories while prego with him.

Monday, July 28- I went for my weekly OB check w/ Dr. M. My BP had spiked a bit and he decided to have me work only 1/2 days at work and then as long as I went home and rested I could finish my day at home. It made me a little nervous but I trusted him and knew we were so close. I also was scheduled for my first NST that Thursday. Work was so cooperative and just wanted me and Logan to be ok. (Looking back a year later, I should have taken that as the first warning sign that something wasn't right- my BP spiked the week before we lost Emma as well. Turns out with both of them I was probably developing preeclampsia and didn't even know it.)

Thursday, July 31-I had my NST at 2pm. I didn't really know what to expect since I had never made it this far with Emma. They hooked up the heart monitor for Logan and then monitored if I was having any contractions as well. About an hr passed and the nurses brought me ice chips and OJ, Logan wasn't moving as much as they would have liked but I could ALWAYS hear his heartbeat loud and clear. Another hour and half and he still wasn't responding they way they wanted. My OB was at the hospital getting ready to do a c-sec and came in and said if it was any other patient he would just send them home but b/c of my history and my nerves he said he was willing to do a Stress Test (give me Pitocin to start some contractions and see how Logan's heart rate responded) if there was the slightest drop- he would do an emergency c-sec that night. They hooked up the Pitocin and it took awhile for anything to happen. It also turned out the it was Tommy's 38 b-day that day, and the whole time we were pregnant he would say how neat it would be if Logan and him shared a b-day. As I lay there waiting and listening to Logan's heartbeat I just couldn't imagine him coming that night. I didn't feel prepared, I still had his bag to finish packing and the nursery wasn't organized. I think I was more focused on that then the fact that I was 37 wks, he was full term and I could have had him that night. He would be here in my arms right now. Why did I worry about being ready? That's not what mattered. Finally after 5-6 contractions the nurse said he did ok and that Dr. M said to stop the Pitocin and I could go home. Why didn't I just say NO.. I want to have the c-sec or just continue the Pitocin? He most likely would have been perfectly fine and healthy. But instead I let them stop the Pitocin, and discharge me and I went home. Little did I know I would never hear my little boys heartbeat again....

Ok I'm rather drained I'll write the rest of this another day...


KuKd Chick said...

Great photos and memories - thanks for sharing this.

Ya Chun said...

big hugs. The shower pics are so lovely, as is your big smile.

It just sucks.

Lisa said...

I'm glad you have some good memories of your little Logan (especially his loving Mama Mia - how cute)!

I know we don't know each other all that well but I think of you often and wish you and this new little one the very best! Thanks for sharing your first two precious babies with all of us.

CLC said...

Thinking of you and wishing Logan was here in your arms. I wish I could tell you to not second guess yourself, but I do it to myself all of the time. The what ifs drive me batty some days. I hope you are able to shove them aside now and then.

Monica H said...

It's so hard to let your self go there and think back on all the details of his last moments. Thanks you for sharing them with us.

mrsmuelly said...

The memories of our "first rainbows" are very dear. And I think even more since they didn't stay here on earth with us. I think it's great that you have written down some of Logan's memories. Just remember when doing so that the "what ifs" can really get to you. Bottom line is that you are an amazing mommy now and were then too. Nothing that happened is your fault.

Bree said...

Oh Amanda, I hate looking at those beautiful pictures of you and Logan knowing that he is not here with you today. I hate that Logan's not here with you. It's so unfair and I'm so, so sorry.

It's pretty neat that you have your circle of lost baby mom's. Love to you!