I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Two Years...

WOW.. can it really be 2 years since all of this craziness began that has now become my "normal"?!? Two years ago I awoke with a bad feeling.. Emma was always one to not let me sleep in because she was hungry but this morning I awoke at 10am. I laid in bed poking my belly waiting for her to respond with a kick. NOTHING.. I don't remember how long I waited but I called the hospital (b/c it was a Saturday) and started crying just trying to get the words out to the nurse. She said just come on over and we will check everything out, its probably nothing. I also remembering sitting in the office downstairs getting registered. I was 31 wks so I wasn't yet registered for when I would give birth. I answered all these questions and just hoped in the back of my mind that everything would be ok. They got me upstairs and down for monitoring right away. And then it started... The nurse had trouble finding Emma's heartbeat, several nurses tried but to no avail. After the first 10 minutes they tried to get ahold of my OB but he was out of town, so the on call Dr was called instead. After 30 minutes of them trying I just new that something was terribly wrong. My fears were confirmed when the on call Dr, Dr. M did an ultrasound and had to tell me there was no heartbeat. I am so sorry! I lost it, broke down in tears... how could everything go so wrong so quickly. I had a perfect pregnancy with no problems and then BOOM she was gone. The rest of the day was a blur, I was induced and at 7:22 pm our firstborn, our perfect 2 lb 3 oz baby girl Emma LaRue was born. We said hello and goodbye at the same time on that awful day 2 years ago today.

Two years, 2 pregnancies, 2 losses and now expecting our 3rd child, holding my breath that this time is the "charm" and this little girl comes home. But no matter how much confidence I have in my Drs and their "plan" this time there is always the fear and dread of being in this same place yet again. I want to get excited and buy cute little girl outfits, and get her room all ready BUT I am frozen with fear.. I cant go through having to pack up all that stuff once again!! I am trying to just focus on the fact that I am still pregnant and she is almost viable. One week at a time...

Emma my love you will always be my firstborn. I will never forget all the "firsts" I experienced while pregnant with you. I am so thankful to have loved and carried you for the 31 wks I did. I will always miss you!

12 comments:

Just Breathe said...

I am so sorry for this journey you are walking. It just isn't fair. I will pray for your comfort and I will send huge prayers to God for you to have a healthy/alive baby that will be in your life forever.
Take care and God Bless.

Monica H said...

Thinking of you today and wishing you peace. It's amazing how so much can change in an instant.

((hugs))

Beth said...

thinking of you often.. i am only 1 month into my grief without my little girl. two years... seems like an eternity. i dont know how to feel happy again.. i think of your picture from your last blog and how you are smiling, but not a big smile. i used to smile big.. but now all i feel is vulnerable. i hope from the bottom of my broken heart that this third time is your charm.. and your new baby reminds you there is joy in life.. even though your first two will always, always be missing from the table. happy birthday, sweet beautiful emma.

AKD said...

Here from LFCA. Your words touched my heart. Yesterday only marked the eight week birthday of my stillborn little baby girl, but I was talking with a friend who had experienced a similar loss about how grief for these little lives is forever. You're an amazing example of how you have learned to carry your children with you to celebrate their lives.

Thinking of you today.

AG said...

Thinking of you today and all the emotions that you must be feeling. Two years feels like forever when you're grieving.

CLC said...

Thinking of you and Emma!

Julia said...

Remembering beautiful Emma with you.

I understand the inability to buy and decorate. But I wish, with all my heart, that you will get to do all of these things when your daughter arrives, safe and sound.

(Here from LFCA.)

Lin said...

I know that I don't have the right words, except to say that I'm so sorry for all you've been through. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that, as you said, the third time's the charm. But, today, I'm grateful to "sit" with you and hear Emma's story. Thank you for telling it!

(((HUGS)))

Michele said...

Happy Birthday, Emma.

I read your story and my heart went out to you. I am currently pregnant with babies 4 and 5, and they are our only living children right now. Sending you warm thoughts and hugs...

Life is good! said...

how sorry i am that you have had these sad experiances in your life. i pray that you will have a healthy baby this time around. God bless you through this pregnancy!

Angela said...

I just found your blog and can hardly type through the tears. God bless you for sharing your story with all of us. And your baby girl will make it home safely; I just know she will.

JenJen said...

I actually just found your blog and wanted to let you know how brave I think you are and how I will pray for you and your rainbow baby.

As a fellow dbm, I can sympathize with you on the nerves that go along with being pregnant with a rainbow baby. We lost our daughter, Lily, on 8/3/08 and are currently 24w1d pregnant with her little brother, Cooper. I'm at the hospital for the duration of the pregnancy due to my history of uterine rupture.

Good luck with your pregnancy!