I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Bittersweet Day

Today has been a bittersweet day. At this time last year I was in full blown labor with Logan. But as we all know it wasn't an excited, joyous labor but rather just a get through this knowing that at the end once again we would say hello and goodbye to him at the same time. I really do believe that labor is harder and takes longer when the baby has passed. Logan was born at 9:18pm one year ago. WOW.. hard to believe its been a year... I remember so much of that day vividly as if it just happened yesterday. I went in for my weekly appointment and my OB couldn't find the heartbeat. I could tell he was worried and I was starting to cry when he put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me next door to the local hospital for an ultrasound. He said he could just be laying the wrong way, don't give up yet. They got me down right away and immediately the tech said I'm so sorry but there is no heartbeat. I broke into sobs, I really thought I would only hear those words once.. almost a year before when we lost Emma. But once again there were those awful words. They admitted me and took me up to a birthing room, the one I had been in just 4 days previous for Logan's non stress test and stress test. But this time there was no hearing the beautiful heartbeat... Logan Thomas Kellar born "sleeping" at 9:18 pm, 5 lbs 8 oz, 19 inches, perfect in every single way.. if he would have only taken a breath.


Today was filled with some new memories for August 4th. We had an ultrasound and the tech is pretty sure we are having a girl. A baby sister... Everything was great and perfect on the ultrasound. The tech just kept saying everything is wonderful, no problems, she is growing a bit ahead, placenta looked healthy and smooth. It was such a relief. I needed that so very badly especially today. The ultrasound was probably 25-30 minutes and she showed us every little thing about our little girl. Then we met with a new Dr and he too continued to reassure us and was very happy with all the results. He said its a victory for today and I said baby steps and he completely agreed. One week at a time...


So today I remember my precious Logan and the wonderful 9 months I had with him. I will miss and love him always!! But we also move forward with this current pregnancy and the hope that Emma/Logan's baby sister ~ Amelia Rose will come home!!



Profile shot of our little girl


A 3D shot of Amelia Rose

8 comments:

Ya Chun said...

wow, that must be tough having an u/s today - what timing!

Missing Emma and Logan today with you, and hoping that all those baby steps add up to Amelia safely in your arms.

(hugs)

KuKd Chick said...

What beautiful, sad memories. Thank you for sharing these.

Monica H said...

I'm glad you had the reassurance of the ultrasound today, especially on Logan's birthday.

Thinking of you and your 3 beautiful babes. I love her name, btw.

AG said...

I've been thinking of you today. It is bittersweet indeed.

Just Breathe said...

Praying with you for nothing but a perfect baby girl, in your arms and in your home. God Bless.

Aunt Becky said...

Amelia is my daughter's name. Congrats on baby Amelia.

mrsmuelly said...

What a mixed day! I'm sure that Logan was sending you lots of love - with the ultrasound and wonderful pics of his baby sister (most likely sister).

Thinking of you yesterday, and today...

CLC said...

THinking of you and Logan and Emma. Amelia is a beautiful name!