Meet Baby #3- Appt Update

Meet Baby # 3 @ 12 wks and 3 days. He/she is measuring bigger and about a week ahead. That is big news b/c Emma/Logan both were very small for their gestational age. Which the Dr felt was b/c of my placenta not being as healthy from day one and then combine the clotting issue and well its not good. So measuring a bit bigger for me was exciting. Also all of my testing for downs/ trimsomy and other chromosome problems came back negative. More good news. And I am also happy to say I am in my 2nd trimester. So 1 down and 2 to go. I can do this just focus on one day at a time and BREATHE!!

The shots are already just a "part of my day". The needle doesn't hurt for the most part but the medicine does burn and in some areas more than others. If this works it will be worth every single prick and burn... My mom keeps saying this baby better appreciate what you have done for it one day. I just hope I get the chance to tell him/her how much they meant to me and that I would have done ANYTHING for them. I will have another ultrasound on Aug 4th and if baby is cooperating we should find out the sex at that point. I don't care either way, but I want to know. Also I know its early but I am feeling little flutters randomly from this little one as well. I cant wait till I definitely know he/she is in there w/ a good kick or punch but for now just enjoying the flutters and tickles...

Most days I feel really good and optimistic about this pregnancy and this baby.. But those bad memories and what ifs still linger on other days. I'm already so in love w/ this little one, it amazes me the attachment you feel especially once you see them on an ultrasound and they look like a baby rather than a bean. And its amazing to think that you get to have the privilege and joy to carry him/her. I just hope my body and me can keep this little one safe until they are safe in my arms...

12 WEEKS ~ YAY!!!

I am 12 weeks today. Next week I will start my second trimester. YAY!!! One almost down and 2 to go. I can do this. BABY STEPS... One day at a time.

I have another ultrasound of Tuesday. I'm excited to see how much this little one has changed in the past month. From a little kidney bean to looking more like a little person. I'll try to post after my appt but I am going to be out of town for a couple days so might not be until the end of the week.

MIA AGAIN... CATCHING UP

WOW.. I knew I hadn't posted in awhile but didn't realize that it had been over 2 months. Guess I def have some catching up to do. I was rereading my last post at the beginning of April and how at the end I said I hoped that month was our month. Well it turns out it was. I know many of you already know but yes we are pregnant and due January 2010 although more than likely we will have our little one in December sometime. April was a happy and stressful month all at the same time. On the 24th I was unexpectedly laid off from work with no promise of a return. I was scheduled for AF the next day or two. I remember thinking on one hand I hope we aren't pregnant b/c that brings up so many issues with not working, need insurance etc. But on the other hand I kept thinking that if we aren't we would be waiting to TTC once again for who knows how long and that was really hard to deal with.

I waited till Sunday to test, I thought I saw a faint line but then talked myself out of it. Tuesday rolled around and still no AF, so I took another test and this time there was a definite second line. I pulled out the first test and the pink line was definitely darker on the 2nd test. I was excited and scared at the same time. I knew DH and myself would be stressing about not only the pregnancy but insurance and everything else. We both were mostly just in shock at first and holding our breath to see if this one would "stick" so to speak. I saw my regular OB and he scheduled an ultrasound to check for viability and a heartbeat. I had that on May 22, at 7 wks 6 days. Our bean was on there moving around and more importantly a good strong heartbeat. I was so relieved. After the ultrasound we started to tell family and some friends. Then on June 9th I finally met with the high risk Dr's (I had a consult w/ them back in Oct.) They had me start on injections of Lovenox 2x a day right away. I was also very happy and impressed b/c before I could even ask "What the plan this time?" he lined it out, especially the big weeks and what type of testing and so forth we will have this time. I told him emotionally I cant make it to 40 wks and he said the furthest he would ever let me go is 39, I said that's still too much, how about 36/37 wks. He said earliest he would like to do anything is 37. Do an amino to check the lungs and then be induced or c-sec. At this point I am thinking c-sec just b/c it takes more things out of the equation for problems such as when in labor. But I also feel very confident in the 3 Dr's I will see and that they will do what is best for me and our baby. I am still so scared but for now I will take it a day at a time and rely on the Dr's.

So I knew that I was going to have to do these self injections 2x a day during this pregnancy and was really nervous b/c I HATE NEEDLES!! The first one I shook, cried and think I even closed my eyes when I put the needle in. LOL But I did it and 6 days later its getting easier and easier. Its just a part of my day now. 8am & 8pm- numb w/ ice, inject and more ice b/c the medicine BURNS... I know it is for a good reason and that makes it easier too. I am 11wks and 3 days today. I will have an ultrasound in 1 week to check for chromosome abnormalities ect. Cant wait to see out little one again...

When I found out we were expecting again I debated on whether I should start a separate blog but I ultimately have decided that I will continue to post on this one about this rainbow baby as well. Emma, Logan and this LO are all intertwined and one wouldn't exist without the other so to speak. So this blog will be a place to share all my feelings whether it be this new LO, or my babies that aren't with me...

8X8 All about Me!

I've been tagged by Mrsmuelly @ The Chronicles of Incompetent Cervix

I did this on Tuesday the 16th but forgot to post. Silly me... Enjoy...

THE RULES:
Mention who tagged you.
Complete the list of 8's.
Tag 8 other people.

8 THINGS I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO:
~Having an ultrasound in one week
~Moving into my 2nd trimester
~Having a bit more energy... I am so TIRED
~Finding out if this little one is a boy or girl

~Feeling the first flutters and kicks from this little one

~December and meeting this little one and bringing him/her home

~As much as I love being pregnant, when this one is over.. and baby is safe in our arms

~Seeing Tommy with this little one.....

8 THINGS I DID YESTERDAY:
~Slept in till 11- life of being on unemployment

~Had lunch w/ my neighbors (she is 10 wks further than me) Burgers, fries and strawberries...

~Gave myself my shots- 2x

~Watched TV

~Read

~Talked to my mom on the phone

~Took a nap... I know I had a rough day

~Helped Tommy water all our flowers and his garden, everything is beautiful!!

8 THINGS I WISH I COULD DO:
~Have Emma/Logan here with me now.. Man would I have my hands full

~Go on a vacation- beach, sun, warm

~Have enough money to fix our house.. kitchen, bathroom, new carpet...

~Know that at the end of this pregnancy that I WILL bring home this rainbow baby!!

~Figure out if I need to work or can stay home the rest of this pregnancy

~Travel with my hubby

~Go to sleep and wake up with our baby in my arms...skip the worry and anxiety filled months to come.

~Not worry and stress about the outcome of this pregnancy...

8 SHOWS I WATCH:
Grey's Anatomy
Desperate Housewives
The Bachelorette

Scrubs

Private Practice

The Next Food Network Star

Wipeout- With Tommy for a good laugh

Rachel Ray...

8 FAVORITE FOODS:
~Tacos

~Fresh fruit in season- strawberries/blueberries/blackberries/grapes/pineapple/watermelon

~Cookies- chocolate chip or craizen oatmeal

~Tomato soup and grilled cheese

~Banana

~Twice baked potatoes

~Sunchips

~Pickles

Ok so now I'm hungry...

8 PLACES I'VE TRAVELLED:
Japan

Mexico

Jamaica

Grand Cayman

South Dakota

Florida

North Carolina

Oklahoma

8 PLACES I'D LIKE TO TRAVEL:
Australia
Italy
Greece
New Zealand
Morocco
Spain
England

Hawaii

8 PEOPLE I'VE TAGGED:

Toni at Toni Conrad

Jamie at Chicks in Our Nest

Monica at Knocked Up, Knocked Down

Jodi at Life is Now

Chelsea at The Drews

Elizabeth at The Paynes

Jenell at Our Rainbow After the Storm

Shannon at In Loving Memory of Tristan

Your turn! Tell me all about it :-)

DREAM...

I had a very vivid dream last night, so much so that when I first awoke I had to figure out if it was real or not. I don’t remember all the specifics but I do now that I had a baby boy in it and it wasn’t Logan. I couldn’t see any distinct facial features but I knew he was mine. And at some point in the dream someone asked what he weighed and I said 4 lbs 1 oz. I cant remember specifically but I’m pretty sure he was early and defiantly a preemie at that size. I know my mom was in the dream and I think my grandma too. I don’t remember too much else but I know I was happy. Then I awoke and realized it was all a dream and it just set the tone for the rest of the day to be a tough one. I cried in the shower and several times at work as well. Yesterday was 19 months since Emma was born sleeping and Saturday will be 8 months without Logan. Once again I thought that by now I would be prego again and although each anniversary would be hard that somehow it would be easier to cope knowing there was a new life growing inside me. But that’s just a dream right now too. I feel like a broken record… I wanna be pregnant, I wanna be a mom to a living, breathing baby, I don’t want to be sad ALL THE TIME, I want to feel “normal” again. I JUST WANT WHAT SEEMS TO COME SO EASY TO EVERYONE ELSE!! A BABY!!

On a different note, I am going to see a different Dr next week. He is a chiropractor but also deals with emotional/nutritional things as well. My cousin who had a late miscarriage @ 19 wks a year or so ago, went to him b/c she was having a really hard time dealing with everything. He really helped her and she feels that he will be able to do the same for me. I REALLY hope she is right, b/c I need to find a way to deal with this better than I am now, and I WONT go back on an antidepressant. Not that I have a problem with them, but for me they just don’t do the trick. So anyway… I really hope this Dr. K can do something/anything for me. A little over a week and I’ll know one way or another. I keep trying to tell myself that the longer I wait to get prego the better it will be. My body will be more prepared. But I think it’s had long enough… time to get this show on the road. Time for a BFP and OUR rainbow!!! PLEASE LET APRIL BE OUR MONTH!!

Multiple Personalities

I feel like I have multiple personalities lately. Not in the “crazy” way, but just in the sense that I have to put on this particular “face” that everything is ok, fine and dandy. I put on this “face” every morning when I leave the house and for anyone that see’s me that is who/what they see. I am kind, friendly even jovial at times. But deep down the other person (the deadbabymamma me) is hurting and all she wants to do it crawl back in bed, pull the covers over my head and wake up when I have my rainbow in my arms kicking/screaming. I miss the old me- the me that was a pretty happy, all around nice person. I used to smile by choice and generally enjoyed life. But anymore it just seems as though EVERYTHING is a reminder of what I don’t have. I remember after both losses the acute pain I would have even just going to the grocery store. Seeing all the families, moms, pregnant ladies etc, I would rush around and try to get out of there as quickly as possible. Well I seem to be back to that anxious, overwhelming feeling once again. All I can see is what I am missing- the 18.5 month old, Emma and the 7.5 month old, Logan. Wow- I would certainly have my hands full. Instead I can run around and do whatever I please b/c there is no one else there to worry about. SIGH… In my mind at this point I thought for sure I would be prego again. Scared/nervous but baking another little one. But no, that isn’t the case either. Instead I plaster on a smile and pretend I am “OK”. But as soon as I am alone in my office, or the bathroom or even in bed at night, watch out b/c out comes the other me along with tears. I really do believe that I have cried more tears in the past 1.5 years of my life than in my almost 27 yrs of life. Buckets and buckets full… I feel as though I am always right on the edge of completely losing it. I just heard a fellow deadbabymamma had a perfect beautiful baby boy last week and I am so happy for her. She deserves all the happiness in the world. And for just a second it give me hope that maybe one day I will be one of the “it can happen” stories. I just hope that I can weather my multiple personalities until then.

In A Funk...

I keep going MIA… for one thing I have been insanely busy and another just haven’t known what to say or write. Many bloggers write everyday about what they are doing. For me blogging is an escape and putting things into writing that I just can’t seem to find the words for, or is just too painful to discuss. So anyway, I am back. Since I last wrote, I pasted 18 months without my Emma and 7 without Logan. Hard to believe… it feel so fresh and new recently again. I don’t cry all the time like I did at first but I just feel completely surrounded by this sadness and I just can’t overcome or lessen the pain. March 5th- marked the beginning of this horrendous journey that is still going on. March 5, 2007 is when I found out I was pregnant with our baby girl. I remember how excited we both were. 2 years I have been on this road. 2 yrs, 2 pregnancies into the 3rd trimester and still no baby in my arms. WOW… Perhaps that has to something to do with why I feel so blue and sad all the time. Sure I can put on a good face when I need to but deep down I am barely holding it together. When we lost Logan, Tommy and I had discussed waiting nine months to a year before TTC again. As time passed though I knew I couldn’t wait that long, when I saw Dr. T in October, it had been 3 months and he told me I needed to wait at least 3 more. He recommended 6-12 months. Ok I can handle that I told myself. So January rolled around and we unofficially ttc. I tested 3 days early and there it was a BFP. Just as we were starting to get excited, I started to bleed and when I tested again, it was BFN. What happened? After talking to my OB, he said it was a chemical pregnancy or very early miscarriage, they are fairly common but most women don’t know about them b/c they don’t test early. Sure I had to be the impatient, anxious one. So anyway we took off one month and are hopefully back on for this month. The part that is so hard is, at some point in my head I told myself I would have a baby in my arms and at home in the year 2009. I wouldn’t have to go a whole year without getting my rainbow. Originally that gave us 3 months of ttc before we would be into 2010. Well SUDDENLY it’s the “last chance” so to speak. If it doesn’t happen this month, I WONT HAVE MY RAINBOW IN 2009! Sure that doesn’t sound so bad but for me it seems like the end of the world. I feel selfish even saying that b/c I know there are so many out there that have been ttc for years or even those that cant conceive and here I am complaining but for me that’s how I feel. I always worry about how I will make others feel and I truly hope that doesn’t upset anyone. But we all have our own “things” to deal with. And that is mine. So here’s hoping that I get pregnant and more importantly that this lo STICKS. Baby steps… one day at a time.

On another note, my BIL came and visited and stayed with us last week. It was very nice to see him. It was a busy week but nice. He was the first one to stay in the nursery since it has been finished. Before he came my mom and I straightened up and made more room. Then Tommy ran cable up to the room so he could watch TV. It was REALLY hard to be in that room. Everything is ready… the clothes are still hanging in the closet and others in the dresser. There are toys, and a crib and stroller etc. We put a sheet over it to make it looked more organized. After my mom left I cried so hard… for what could’ve been.

Just need a ray of hope and sunshine in all the gloominess…