31 wks

31 weeks tomorrow :D Wow.. that means in 6 weeks or less our baby girl will be in our arms. I am feeling really good and different about this pregnancy, I cant explain it exactly. I guess I really am starting to feel like the shots are working and that things will be different this time. BUT then my mind starts to wonder and I realize that 6 wks is still an eternity when you have had 2 losses. It doesn't help that we lost Emma at 31 wks. That thought defiantly keeps creeping in, but then I remind myself that Amelia is already a good pound or more than her sister at this point gestationally. I also try to focus on the fact that Amelia is very active and even has the hiccups at this very moment. I keep reminding myself things are different this time. But I am still scared. Thank goodness for weekly appointments and my wonderful awesome team of 4 high risk Dr's that calm my fears constantly. I have to continue to have faith and believe that we will bring this rainbow home. So I will keep moving forward, getting her room ready and counting down the days till we meet her and at the same time be grateful for every moment I get with her.

Here are a few pregnancy shots my mom took of me last week. Its something I meant to do with the other two and never did, so I am making sure we take lots this time. Enjoy :D

29 1/2 Weeks... 8 or less to go

I will be 29.5 wks tomorrow. So happy for that. We had an ultrasound one week ago and once again confirmed defiantly a girl and she was 3 lbs 2 oz. Which is great :D The dr was very happy w/ her size and everything else. Such a relief. We were in the room that has the 3D capability so we got a few shots of her as well. She was head down and "snuggled up w/ my placenta" as the tech said so we couldn't get a great straight on shot but the ones we did she had the cutest, most perfect little bird lips and adorable nose. Of course I'm her mommy so that's my opinion. We even could see in some of the shots that her eyes were open. Very cool, never saw that w/ the other two. Next Tues the 27th I will start weekly NST's and appts. And then 2 wks after that another ultrasound to check her growth yet again. I also have become very obsessive about tracking her busy time of the day and doing my kick counts. A good friend of mine gave me a Kicktrak that stores the last 10 days and how long it took to feel 10 kicks, movements etc. She is consistently active when I first wake up around 8-8:30 and most of the morning. She seems to sleep more in the afternoon and then is more active again after dinner. My Dr's tell me that if I notice the slightest change in these or seems to take longer to feel her 10 movements to call and come to the hospital to be checked. They also told me that kick counts are more important diagnostically than even having a Doppler to check her heart rate at home. This is due to the fact that a babies heart rate can vary so much anywhere from 110-180. So even if that number seems low it might not mean a problem. But seeing a change in her movement is an indication that there maybe a problem. Most mornings she is cooperative and I get my kicks/movements fairly quickly but some mornings she is a bit slow and for a few moments I begin to worry and wonder if we will be making a trip to the hospital but then she will "wake up" as to say I'm ok mom. I cant believe that she will be in my arms in less than 8 wks. Some days that seems like an eternity still but it really is right around the corner. The next few weeks will be hard due to the fact that we lost Emma at 31 wks. But overall I really do have a good feeling this time. Every time I get a great report at the Dr's. I think wow we really will make it this time. Don't get me wrong I still have the occasional doubt and worry.. but trying to focus on the positive and stay optimistic.

On that note of being positive, my mom and I finally packed up all the boy stuff that was in the nursery and started organizing and getting ready for this little princess. It went a lot better emotionally than I thought it would. We still have more to do in there but had to put it on hold b/c my brother in law is coming for a visit and will stay in there. My mom and I also started a quilt for Amelia. I cant wait till it is done and she is here :D

I am finally starting to get excited and am hopeful for a great outcome this time!!

Here are a couple pictures from my ultrasound and one of the quilt laid out in squares...

25 1/2 wks... 12 or less to go!!

I am happy to say I am 25 1/2 wks as of today!! We had a really good report at the Dr's last week. For one we are definitely having another little girl :D and secondly Amelia was 1 lb 13 oz. Which they said is in the 57th percentile so they were happy all around. I was thrilled to hear she was that size b/c Emma at 31 wks was only 2 lbs. 3 oz. So seems as though the shots are doing there job. My appointments have been moved to every 2 wks. Mostly for my own sanity. Amelia is starting to be very active certain times of the day mostly morning (when I want to sleep in) but I am so happy and grateful for every kick and movement. We have less than 12 weeks to go until we can meet our little girl.. I know that doesn't seem like that long but some days it feels like an eternity. But once again just taking things a week at a time and every time we get a good report from the Drs. I feel a bit better as well. I even managed to buy her a bathrobe and a little outfit w/ cherries on it. And I am thinking that next week it is time to pack up all the boy stuff and re access what we have. WHEW.... I feel really good this time BUT there is always that lingering doubt in the back of my mind. DH has started to talk about Amelia and all the things he is looking forward to doing with her. I want to go there but am afraid. But just for today I will be happy to be this far :D

Two Years...

WOW.. can it really be 2 years since all of this craziness began that has now become my "normal"?!? Two years ago I awoke with a bad feeling.. Emma was always one to not let me sleep in because she was hungry but this morning I awoke at 10am. I laid in bed poking my belly waiting for her to respond with a kick. NOTHING.. I don't remember how long I waited but I called the hospital (b/c it was a Saturday) and started crying just trying to get the words out to the nurse. She said just come on over and we will check everything out, its probably nothing. I also remembering sitting in the office downstairs getting registered. I was 31 wks so I wasn't yet registered for when I would give birth. I answered all these questions and just hoped in the back of my mind that everything would be ok. They got me upstairs and down for monitoring right away. And then it started... The nurse had trouble finding Emma's heartbeat, several nurses tried but to no avail. After the first 10 minutes they tried to get ahold of my OB but he was out of town, so the on call Dr was called instead. After 30 minutes of them trying I just new that something was terribly wrong. My fears were confirmed when the on call Dr, Dr. M did an ultrasound and had to tell me there was no heartbeat. I am so sorry! I lost it, broke down in tears... how could everything go so wrong so quickly. I had a perfect pregnancy with no problems and then BOOM she was gone. The rest of the day was a blur, I was induced and at 7:22 pm our firstborn, our perfect 2 lb 3 oz baby girl Emma LaRue was born. We said hello and goodbye at the same time on that awful day 2 years ago today.

Two years, 2 pregnancies, 2 losses and now expecting our 3rd child, holding my breath that this time is the "charm" and this little girl comes home. But no matter how much confidence I have in my Drs and their "plan" this time there is always the fear and dread of being in this same place yet again. I want to get excited and buy cute little girl outfits, and get her room all ready BUT I am frozen with fear.. I cant go through having to pack up all that stuff once again!! I am trying to just focus on the fact that I am still pregnant and she is almost viable. One week at a time...

Emma my love you will always be my firstborn. I will never forget all the "firsts" I experienced while pregnant with you. I am so thankful to have loved and carried you for the 31 wks I did. I will always miss you!

Not much to say

I really dont have much to say. I am happy to be in my 19th week. Feeling good, emotions are up and down. Still loving my doppler which is just the reassurance I need right now. Baby girl is making her presence know more and more but I still havent been able to feel a kick on the outside, nor has her daddy. But she has given me a couple good pops here and there.

Another reason I dont have a lot to say is a very dear online deadbabymama that is pregnant with me (about 2 wks ahead) found out her little girl has Trisomy 13. Its not good news and I just cant stop thinking about her, her family and her precious little girl. She has had lightening strike twice now. I want to be there for her in anyway possible but at the sametime I remember the hurt of seeing others have what you want so badly. Its a catch 22 and so I have been quiet. So (((HUGS))) my dear friend!! I am just so sorry, there truly are no words JUST TEARS!!!

I leave you with a belly shot from 18.5 wks.....

Bittersweet Day

Today has been a bittersweet day. At this time last year I was in full blown labor with Logan. But as we all know it wasn't an excited, joyous labor but rather just a get through this knowing that at the end once again we would say hello and goodbye to him at the same time. I really do believe that labor is harder and takes longer when the baby has passed. Logan was born at 9:18pm one year ago. WOW.. hard to believe its been a year... I remember so much of that day vividly as if it just happened yesterday. I went in for my weekly appointment and my OB couldn't find the heartbeat. I could tell he was worried and I was starting to cry when he put me in a wheelchair and wheeled me next door to the local hospital for an ultrasound. He said he could just be laying the wrong way, don't give up yet. They got me down right away and immediately the tech said I'm so sorry but there is no heartbeat. I broke into sobs, I really thought I would only hear those words once.. almost a year before when we lost Emma. But once again there were those awful words. They admitted me and took me up to a birthing room, the one I had been in just 4 days previous for Logan's non stress test and stress test. But this time there was no hearing the beautiful heartbeat... Logan Thomas Kellar born "sleeping" at 9:18 pm, 5 lbs 8 oz, 19 inches, perfect in every single way.. if he would have only taken a breath.

Today was filled with some new memories for August 4th. We had an ultrasound and the tech is pretty sure we are having a girl. A baby sister... Everything was great and perfect on the ultrasound. The tech just kept saying everything is wonderful, no problems, she is growing a bit ahead, placenta looked healthy and smooth. It was such a relief. I needed that so very badly especially today. The ultrasound was probably 25-30 minutes and she showed us every little thing about our little girl. Then we met with a new Dr and he too continued to reassure us and was very happy with all the results. He said its a victory for today and I said baby steps and he completely agreed. One week at a time...

So today I remember my precious Logan and the wonderful 9 months I had with him. I will miss and love him always!! But we also move forward with this current pregnancy and the hope that Emma/Logan's baby sister ~ Amelia Rose will come home!!

Profile shot of our little girl

A 3D shot of Amelia Rose

1 year

Tomorrow is Logan's 1 year anniversary. Hard to believe that last year at this time I was having my last moments with my precious baby boy. I miss him very much but I feel that I am better handling his one year than I did Emma's. Although a big part of that could be the fact that I was also grieving the loss of Logan at the same time and everything was compounded. Or perhaps this new LO in my belly is helping me find some peace as well. Either way though I have had my rough moments over the last month/week and I know I will probably have a moment or two tomorrow as well. I really cant believe that its been a year since we said hello and goodbye to our little boy. MOMMY LOVES YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!