Yesterday was Logan's EDD (estimated due date). For anyone that has been pregnant we all know the chances of our baby being born that day are very slim and that it is just an estimation, but that day is the basis of everything. It controls what week we are in, how old our little ones are, and how much time til we meet them face to face, til we hold them in our arms. But once your baby is born "sleeping" that date suddenly holds pain and sorrow. The date that held so much hope suddenly is just another date that will hurt for the rest of your life. See when you become a deadbaby mamma there are only a few things you have to "hold on to" about your babies. I have the few precious pictures that were taken, the stuffed animal that they "held", the outfit they wore, their footprints/hand prints, heart necklaces with their names that I wear around my neck and hold when the tears flow and then there are the dates. The day we found out we were pregnant, the day we found out it was a girl/boy, the day I first felt them move, then the day that I was told that my baby would be born "sleeping" and never come home, their due date, and finally the day we said goodbye and buried them. I should be bringing home my baby boy, worrying about if he is eating enough, or figuring out his cries. But once again that isn't my life.
One of my fellow deadbaby mamma's told us that once again there is a new member to the club. But as we all know its not a happy club or a club any of us want to be part of. But there is a poor mommy and her family out there grieving the loss of their little girl that wont be coming home. Why does this keep happening? With all the advances in science isn't there something that can be done to prevent this pain/heartache? Why does someone that doesn't want a baby have such an easy time, while those that would give anything/everything for a baby have their dreams shattered once or more? So many questions, no answers. Back to living one day at a time. Anything more is too painful.
One of my fellow deadbaby mamma's told us that once again there is a new member to the club. But as we all know its not a happy club or a club any of us want to be part of. But there is a poor mommy and her family out there grieving the loss of their little girl that wont be coming home. Why does this keep happening? With all the advances in science isn't there something that can be done to prevent this pain/heartache? Why does someone that doesn't want a baby have such an easy time, while those that would give anything/everything for a baby have their dreams shattered once or more? So many questions, no answers. Back to living one day at a time. Anything more is too painful.
Keep the Rhoades family in your thoughts and prayers. We all know too well the pain they are suffering.
2 comments:
Thank you for noting the other family. They will really appreciate it. If you don't mind, I'll keep you posted on their story.
I must tell you that I truly admire your strength right now. For me, it was an incredible feat just to get out of bed for the first couple weeks. I was floored reading your story about a friend leaving her child with you. Wow! I'm totally impressed.
Emma and Logan must be so very proud of their mamma.
Just one moment at a time...
It's like standing in the waves crashing on a beach. Sometimes you'll stand up to the grief and pain, and sometimes you'll go down with them, and be pushed under, unable to find air to breath or refuge from the dark, swirling mess.
There are too many days to remember, but no one who has lost their children ever needs reminding with a date. The memory sits on your chest and you look at it every moment of every day of your life, and you fight the sad thoughts while trying to reach for the happy moments with your baby, which are nearly impossible to find, since every thought ends with the memory of his or her death.
I ache for you, and think of you constantly.
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