Random Thoughts

These are my random thoughts from this week. Most of them are venting/ranting. But it's my blog and this is the place to put these thoughts down. So here goes...

When I got on the internet this morning one of the stories on my homepage was a women in Egypt who had 7 babies. Seven, are you kidding me! She can carry 7, they all live with no problems but I cant have my 1. Grrrr!! I really don't think I am asking that much that I have one baby. I never thought I wanted to have an only child but now if that is all I can have then that will be ok. I just want a baby. Right now I want Logan, but we all know that wont happen. So the next best I can hope for is that the next 9 months go fast really fast and I can find answers so that I can get pregnant again and HOPEFULLY that time I'll bring my baby home.

On the same note I used to like the show Jon & Kate Plus 8. I loved watching the little kids. Now I don't even want to see the commercials on TLC, b/c its a constant reminder again of them getting 6 babies and I didn't get my one. I hate that the things that used to bring me joy, such as babies, kids and even other pregnant people now make me cringe and turn away, change the channel etc. I remember feeling this way last year too.

List of things I am dreading...

I am dreading packing up the nursery once again. Except this time it was ready. Last time I had one box of clothes and other stuff for Emma. This time I will have boxes, boxes and more of clothes, books, blankets, towels, toys, bottles, lotions and all the other baby stuff. This time I had washed several loads of clothes etc and put them in his dresser, already for him to wear. Sigh...

I am dreading his EDD (estimated due date) on Tuesday. I should either be pregnant still or have a newborn to care for.

I am dreading when we have to bury his remains. I haven't been back since we buried Emma and now the first time I'll go back will be to bury her little brother with her. I guess its good we haven't been able to get a headstone for Emma yet, b/c now we can get one for the both of them. These are not the things I want to be doing or worrying about.

I am dreading the wedding next weekend b/c I told so many that Logan would be at the wedding. I insisted I wouldn't still be pregnant. He should be there with us. Instead I am going to have to explain what happened, why etc. And I am sure at least one person wont know and will ask- Did you have the baby? I just hope I can hold it together all day.

I am dreading going back to work b/c again its going to be so many questions and I know everyone will want to hug me and offer condolences and I will have to hold it together once again. I appreciate everyone being so kind and loving but its still going to be so hard. I know I will be thinking last time I sat in my office I was pregnant. Now I'll have pics of my 2 babies that aren't with me. When did this become my life and why? Haven't I been through enough, apparently not. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger? Sounds like a bunch of crap if you ask me.

I am dreading the next week, month, year... I hate being a deadbaby momma TWICE!!!