I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Random Thoughts

These are my random thoughts from this week. Most of them are venting/ranting. But it's my blog and this is the place to put these thoughts down. So here goes...
When I got on the internet this morning one of the stories on my homepage was a women in Egypt who had 7 babies. Seven, are you kidding me! She can carry 7, they all live with no problems but I cant have my 1. Grrrr!! I really don't think I am asking that much that I have one baby. I never thought I wanted to have an only child but now if that is all I can have then that will be ok. I just want a baby. Right now I want Logan, but we all know that wont happen. So the next best I can hope for is that the next 9 months go fast really fast and I can find answers so that I can get pregnant again and HOPEFULLY that time I'll bring my baby home.
On the same note I used to like the show Jon & Kate Plus 8. I loved watching the little kids. Now I don't even want to see the commercials on TLC, b/c its a constant reminder again of them getting 6 babies and I didn't get my one. I hate that the things that used to bring me joy, such as babies, kids and even other pregnant people now make me cringe and turn away, change the channel etc. I remember feeling this way last year too.

List of things I am dreading...

I am dreading packing up the nursery once again. Except this time it was ready. Last time I had one box of clothes and other stuff for Emma. This time I will have boxes, boxes and more of clothes, books, blankets, towels, toys, bottles, lotions and all the other baby stuff. This time I had washed several loads of clothes etc and put them in his dresser, already for him to wear. Sigh...

I am dreading his EDD (estimated due date) on Tuesday. I should either be pregnant still or have a newborn to care for.

I am dreading when we have to bury his remains. I haven't been back since we buried Emma and now the first time I'll go back will be to bury her little brother with her. I guess its good we haven't been able to get a headstone for Emma yet, b/c now we can get one for the both of them. These are not the things I want to be doing or worrying about.

I am dreading the wedding next weekend b/c I told so many that Logan would be at the wedding. I insisted I wouldn't still be pregnant. He should be there with us. Instead I am going to have to explain what happened, why etc. And I am sure at least one person wont know and will ask- Did you have the baby? I just hope I can hold it together all day.

I am dreading going back to work b/c again its going to be so many questions and I know everyone will want to hug me and offer condolences and I will have to hold it together once again. I appreciate everyone being so kind and loving but its still going to be so hard. I know I will be thinking last time I sat in my office I was pregnant. Now I'll have pics of my 2 babies that aren't with me. When did this become my life and why? Haven't I been through enough, apparently not. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger? Sounds like a bunch of crap if you ask me.

I am dreading the next week, month, year... I hate being a deadbaby momma TWICE!!!


JulieW said...

I am so sorry to hear you have lost another baby. I know you are having the most hardest time now. Please contact me as I would like for you to take this test its called RPL you can get it done thur this site called dnadirect.com I have 2 blood clottin disorders and only to find out after I lost my daughter at 19 weeks.. Please email me at mrsjmward@yahoo.com
I will keep you in my prayers
Much hugs

Olive Lucy said...

manda-- i missed the opportunity to email you yesterday but i am thinking about you.