I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

It's Been a Week & Two Days

Today is a BAD day! I had to force myself to get out of bed, force myself to eat, because I know its what I should do but all I want to do is sleep. Its the only time I dont hurt. Of course then the cold truth hits me square in the face and I realize once again I have no baby. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be mom. I've never cared if I had a career, I always felt my greatest job would be to be a mommy. And now twice its been in my grasp and then ripped away! I truly felt that this time, even though I was scared everyday, that I would bring my baby boy home. Instead I find myself in the same nightmare I was in last year. And I am weeks away from it being a year since Emma passed. I wanted to do something special for her that day but now I dont know. I dont know how I am going to survive the next year. I know its for the best if I give my body time to heal. Being pregnant for 18 months has been hard on me and I need time to heal. Plus I need answers as to why this happened. Is there something wrong with me that is causing my babies to pass? I just hope we get answers whether they be bad/good. I also hope with everything that I have that next summer we can say we are pregnant again. I want my rainbow baby!!!

Tommy brought home Logan's urn last night. It is sitting downstairs next to Emma's picture. Its hard to believe that is all that is left of our baby boy. Today I have been holding/hugging his kitty cat the nurses gave him and a blue stuffed dog that his grandma bought for him. It records a message. Weeks ago I recorded, "Logan, mommy loves you." I had forgotten about it until today. I was sitting in his room hugging it, crying and there it was. It hurts that he'll never hear that recording, he'll never sleep in the bassinet that is all ready for him, or play with the toys so many got for him. Once again, I'll never know what he would have looked like at 3 or 10 or even as a grown up. WHY???? Why do others get to bring their babies home while I dont? I really dont understand. If your reading this please understand I am so happy for anyone that gets their rainbow baby, I just wish I was one of them. By the time I hopefully get our rainbow baby, it will have been over 2 yrs since Emma and over 1 since Logan.
One day at time...I have to keep reminding myself of that. Maybe tomorrow will be an "ok" day....

Logan & Emma- Mommy loves you both so very much. She will always miss you. You took pieces of my heart with you and it will never be whole again. XOXOXOXOXO


honeybumblebee said...

Oh Manda,

My heart really breaks for you. I am so sorry that today was a bad day. Please know that I am right here with you giving you a big hug and keeping you in my prayers. I pray that tomorrow is a better day. It's just not fair. Hang in there.


Meghan said...

I am so so so sorry.
I am glad you are keeping a blog, it helped me so much after we lost Hazel to be able to express myself. You are in my prayers, your babies both a just gorgeous.
(Hazel's Mama from BBC)

CLC said...

Hi, here from Holli's blog. I am so sorry for the loss of both of your children. I can't imagine the horror of going through this twice. You are in my thoughts and prayers. And both of them are beautiful.

mrsmuelly said...

It's understandable to be a bad day. It's understandable to have day, after day, after day of bad days. You are allowed to lay in bed all day. Sleep as long as you want...it's only been 10days now. There is not time schedule for you to be on. I pray that the coming days are just a bit easier.