News, Good & Bad

My day went a bit better, but not much. I did go get my hair cut, it really needed it. After my hair cut I went to my parents. I then spent the next 3 hours with my mom. It was nice to catch up with her. Short version is we haven't been close for about 5.5 yrs, except for when we lost Emma and now with the passing of Logan. But anyway she showed me the quilt she had been making for Logan. It is so nice. (Once its done I'll post a picture) She is going to add Emma's name to it and then in the future any other children we have will be added as well. It was so touching but it of course made me cry b/c he should be here to lay on that quilt. Sigh...

While I was sitting visiting with my mom, my OB called me with test results. Logan's autopsy came back all normal, he had no problems. He was perfect just as we suspected. That of course was good news but then the bad news. The results from my placenta showed scar tissue. He explained it like a filter and how it would sift out the dirt etc. but when it becomes clogged nothing can get through. That is what happened with my placenta it became clogged and eventually it wouldn't allow Logan to get any oxygen which in turn caused his demise. There are 3 reasons this happens usually. 1. High blood pressure- didn't have 2. Smoking- don't do that 3. Clotting disorder So tomorrow I am going to have blood work to see if I have a clotting disorder. From what I have researched online it is called Antiphospholipid syndrome. There are varying types but the most common is an easy fix, an aspirin a day or blood thinner shots. This is all good news for next time.

But I now have to deal with the fact that something with me caused my little boy to pass. Something isn't quite right with me and I hurt him. I know there is nothing I could have done b/c I didn't know but that doesn't help in anyway what so ever. I feel as though I failed him and I don't know if I'll ever get over that. Once again there are so many what ifs or should haves. Why didn't I do research after Emma and think to have more testing on me? I might have found out about the clotting disorder and Logan would be in my arms rather than an urn. Last time it seemed so simple and like lightening striking Emma getting a knot in her cord. That's what we were told. And we accepted that as the last story. If only...

Once again I have so many unanswered questions. I just hope that after this blood work it comes back with the clotting disorder because if not I don't know where we will go. I guess I'll take it one day at a time. That's certainly becoming my mantra, b/c that is all I can handle.