I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Thursday, August 14, 2008

News, Good & Bad

My day went a bit better, but not much. I did go get my hair cut, it really needed it. After my hair cut I went to my parents. I then spent the next 3 hours with my mom. It was nice to catch up with her. Short version is we haven't been close for about 5.5 yrs, except for when we lost Emma and now with the passing of Logan. But anyway she showed me the quilt she had been making for Logan. It is so nice. (Once its done I'll post a picture) She is going to add Emma's name to it and then in the future any other children we have will be added as well. It was so touching but it of course made me cry b/c he should be here to lay on that quilt. Sigh...
While I was sitting visiting with my mom, my OB called me with test results. Logan's autopsy came back all normal, he had no problems. He was perfect just as we suspected. That of course was good news but then the bad news. The results from my placenta showed scar tissue. He explained it like a filter and how it would sift out the dirt etc. but when it becomes clogged nothing can get through. That is what happened with my placenta it became clogged and eventually it wouldn't allow Logan to get any oxygen which in turn caused his demise. There are 3 reasons this happens usually. 1. High blood pressure- didn't have 2. Smoking- don't do that 3. Clotting disorder So tomorrow I am going to have blood work to see if I have a clotting disorder. From what I have researched online it is called Antiphospholipid syndrome. There are varying types but the most common is an easy fix, an aspirin a day or blood thinner shots. This is all good news for next time.
But I now have to deal with the fact that something with me caused my little boy to pass. Something isn't quite right with me and I hurt him. I know there is nothing I could have done b/c I didn't know but that doesn't help in anyway what so ever. I feel as though I failed him and I don't know if I'll ever get over that. Once again there are so many what ifs or should haves. Why didn't I do research after Emma and think to have more testing on me? I might have found out about the clotting disorder and Logan would be in my arms rather than an urn. Last time it seemed so simple and like lightening striking Emma getting a knot in her cord. That's what we were told. And we accepted that as the last story. If only...
Once again I have so many unanswered questions. I just hope that after this blood work it comes back with the clotting disorder because if not I don't know where we will go. I guess I'll take it one day at a time. That's certainly becoming my mantra, b/c that is all I can handle.


mrsmuelly said...

I know this feeling, and I am so, so very sorry that you are going through it. Let me assure you, that it's NOT YOUR FAULT! There was nothing you could have done - within reason. There is no way you could have predicted this. Hindsight is an evil thing in this situation. The "what ifs" will take you over if you let them. Don't let them. It's NOT your fault...I promise. You did not hurt your baby. It was purely (possibly) something that the body does different...and can be fixed. Like you said, the good news is you have a reason. You have a fix. Hold onto the "good" news today. One day at a time is a fabulous mantra.

Meghan said...

I remember the feeling of 'my body failed Hazel' very well. Remember: Nothing you did or didn't do caused this! This is not your fault! You did everything you knew to do for your little boy. It is such a blessing you are so close to a diagnosis - when we got our diagnosis it was sad knowing if we would have known sooner we could have saved Hazel and at the same time it was wonderful because we knew what we could do in the future to prevent it from happening again.


Lori said...

I ran across your blog through my friend Monica H. I am so very sorry for both of your losses. I type this, crying, because I lost my first son, too. His name is Logan. Born at 20 weeks.
When I got pregnant the 2nd time, my doctor put me on baby aspirin a day regime just in case there was a clotting issue with me. He was perfect, placenta was fine, but he wanted to be better safe than sorry. I now have a beautiful, perfectly healthy 5 month old.
I pray that you will have peace in knowing nothing you did prevented his life. I struggled with this for so long after my Logan's death. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.