I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Our Story...

I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start in March 2007. It was March 5, and we had just gotten back from a Caribbean cruise. I hadnt got my visit from AF like I was supposed to during the cruise. But I also wasn't expecting to get a BFP (big fat positive) pregnancy test. But there it was 2 pink lines. I ran down and shocked Tommy with the news. We both couldn't believe our eyes. He even had me go to the store and get another test, just to make sure. This time I got the one that said pregnant/not pregnant, so there was no lines to read. Big as life there it was again. WE WERE PREGNANT! My pregnancy was perfect, no morning sickness, every appt we were both great. I knew from day 1 it was a girl. My feeling was confirmed on June 28. Emma LaRue was due November 4th. But that wasnt to be. On Sept 1st, I woke up about 10 am and instantly knew something wasnt right. I immediatly went to the hospital, they hooked me up for monitoring. First thing they try to find is the baby's heartbeat. They tried for almost an hour on and off. The nurses couldnt tell me what I already knew. She was gone, something had gone terribly wrong. My ob was out of town so they called in Dr. M. He immedialy did an ultrasound and then I heard the words that still ring in my head. "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat." I lost it, the Dr. grabbed me in a huge bear hug and cried with me. After a few min. I pulled myself together and asked what now? I would have to be induced and give birth to my baby girl but she wouldnt cry or take a breath. The rest of the day is kinda a blur. I remember bits and peices. Emma LaRue was born at 7:22pm, 2lbs, 3oz, 15 inches and perfect in everyway. She had gotten a true knot in her cord and it had proved fatal. Her daddy and I held her and told her how much she was loved and would forever be missed. The following day we said our goodbyes and we left the hospital with a box of memories rather than our baby girl. Emma was buried with her great grandma who her middle name is after on Sept. 6th.
The next few weeks/months I tried to survive my loss. Someday were ok, others were terrible. Eventually the ok days became more. In Nov. we were told it would be ok to try again. Dec. was our first try and on Dec. 23 I again took a pregnancy test. Once again there was that word. PREGNANT. We were so excited but scared. This time I knew it was a boy. And in April again this was confirmed. We were so excited. In June I reached the point were we lost Emma, 31 weeks and I was a nervous wreck. We had an ultrasound and everything looked great. On July 12th, my bf and SIL threw us a baby shower. It was so nice. We started setting his room up and we were pretty much ready. On July 31st I went in for my first NST, I was 37 wks. Logan wasnt responding the way they wanted, as far as his heart rate excelerating when he was moving. After 3 hrs. my ob decided to start in IV of pitocin and see if he could handle me having contractions. He passed, it wasnt with flying colors but it was good enough. So they made sure the contractions slowed and stopped, then sent me home. Once again I was a nervous wreck. Monday Aug. 4th I went for my regular OB appt, he couldnt find Logan's heartbeat with the doppler, so we went over to the hospital which is ajoining for a sonagram. My ob never left my side. The tech got me down and looked for what seemed like forever. I was trying so hard to hold it together. I thought at any moment they would say there it is, he is ok, he was just playing. No such luck. Again I heard those awful words. There is no heartbeat. I lost it, crying even yelling a bit. They got me a wheelchair and took me upstairs. I knew what was to come, I didnt even have to ask this time. They took me into the same room I had been in for the NST the other day. Why hadnt i just ask him to induce me? He would have been fine. He was term. HE WOULD BE HERE!!! But I didnt. And once again I would give birth to a baby that would never cry or breath. He would be sleeping just like his big sister. Through the tears I called family and friends, I knew I/we would need all the support we could get. I could hear the shock in everyones voice, I know many of them thought I was calling to say I was in labor. But again I had to tell them our baby was gone. Telling Tommy was the hardest, I felt as though I had let him down once again. It was my job to keep them safe and I had failed once again. He left his job and rushed to my side. We both knew what was to come. We knew that we would want as many pictures as possible b/c the few we have of Emma are very special to us. This time there was a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, who would come in and take black and whites for us. We also knew that we wanted pictures of anyone else that held him, family/friends. We shouldnt have know these things but we did. After about 40 min. of pushing Logan Thomas was born at 9:19pm, again perfect in everyway. 5lbs. 8oz. 18 inches. He was beautiful, if only he would take a breath. But again it wasnt to be. We held him, kissed him and I tried to memorize everything about him. The next morning NILMDTS came in and took the pictures.( A few are to the right) Then we kissed him and said our goodbye's. We once again left the hospital with a box rather than a baby. No one should have to lose a child, but to lose 2 is just plain cruel and unfair!
The following day we went back to the same funeral home where we had Emma. They had everything on file. It was pretty simple, same info as Emma, just changed the name. Again it shouldnt have been this way, but it was. There was one big difference this time, Logan would be cremated then buried with Emma at a later time. We also opted for an autopsy. We need answers as to why this happened and hopefully just maybe we can prevent it. On Aug. 8th, we had a visitation and service for Logan. I wore the same outfit that I did for Emma's funeral. Many came to give their condolences. I felt completely drained when it was all over. We came back to the house, they brought all the flowers in and once again so many tried to comfort us. But there are no words this time, only tears.

11 comments:

Olive Lucy said...

amanda & tommy- i know i have said it before but i am so sorry.

Supermom In Training said...

Amanda and Tommy, my heart is so broken for your family. I wish I could erase it all for you and place that well-deserved little boy back in your arms. It is so beyond unfair that you both have to go through this awful hell all over again. If I could take the pain away from you, I would in a heartbeat. I love you both so much...

Jillian

Mommy said...

Amanda and Tommy, I am so sorry that you have to experience this pain again.It is so unfair.Please know that there are so many of your friends at BBC praying and holding you up right now.I hope that brings a tiny bit of comfort to you.I pray for peace in your hearts and home every day.
Love,
Bobbi (from full term loss @BBC)

Holli said...

There really isn't anything I can say to make you feel better. Just know that you are not alone. You will get through this.

Little Miss Hopeful said...

Oh Manda,
My heart just breaks over and over as I read this. Remembering what it was like for me when I had Caden, thinking o fgoing through the same thing again...i don't know how I would keep going.
You are such a strong, loving, wonderful woman. Logan and Emma are blessed to have you as their mother.
You are right, you should not have known all the things 'to do'. It is bitterly unfair.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, today and every day.

Much love,
Brooke

Busted said...

I'm so very sorry for your losses. No parent should have to go through this even once, much less twice. How awful that you had the gift of hindsight when you lost your son.

My heart and thoughts are with you.

theviewfromthisplace said...

there are no words, you said it. i am heartbroken for you. i have lost two little girls for completely different reasons. one at 22 weeks and 23 weeks. to labor and not be able to take a child home must be one of the cruelest things in the world - i should know. if you don't mind i will follow your blog. i am truly so sorry that you and your husband did not get to keep your precious babies.
i hope peaces makes its way to you and your family in time. you are in good company; many of us are looking forward to our rainbow babies too.

theviewfromthisplace said...

oh and we named our first baby - Emilia, after her great gramdmother too.

Reese said...

Amanda and Tommy,

I am so incredibly sorry for your losses. We walk behind you, beside you, whatever you need...

mrsmuelly said...

"It was pretty simple" - I know what you mean...and that fact was so very sad. I'm so sorry that you and Tommy have to go through this again. Knowing what to expect does take away some of the sting, but it will NEVER make it okay. It also doesn't make it any easier.

Know that you can call, email, text or whatever anytime - anytime you have a draining day and just want to share. My thoughts and tears are with you.

Hope said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's just not fair.