I think of the rainbow babes like this... the rainbow after the storm of sorrow. We are suffering through the storm of sorrow when the universe lets up on the storm and we get a reprise in our sorrow, there is a RAINBOW. They do not "undo" or erase the storm they just make the enduring the storm a little more hopeful. Chris~ Mommy to ^Lucy^ & Danger

Monday, August 18, 2008

Two Weeks

It's 1:30 and I just realized that at this time two weeks ago my nightmare started. I was at my OB's office for my weekly check. I was so hoping he would tell me I was dilated and would go anytime. But we never got that far. He always started by getting the heartbeat. He tried, tried and tried some more. He even said little boy stop playing your scaring your mommy. I held it together, somehow. He said lets go get a sonogram. The hospital is ajoining so we immediately walked over there. They were waiting for us, got me down right away. The screen was at an angle so that I couldn't see what they were looking at. I was crying but kept thinking he is just playing he'll be ok. He has to be. But once again those horrible words that have haunted me and will continue to. I'm sorry there is no heartbeat. What? He was just fine, I was here 4 days ago and he was fine. Why??? I kept saying I cant do this again, how to I tell Tommy or anyone else. They wheeled me upstairs, my wonderful OB never left my side. He even tried to call Tommy and tell him. I started making calls. I knew what had to be done and what was to come. I knew...
I can't believe its been 2 wks, some days it feels like yesterday. I don't want to be here again. I want my baby boy. I went through this once and sure I eventually got stronger but this time I don't see any hope. I can't imagine being happy again. WHY? WHY? WHY? My heart is broken. I need to be cleaning, doing laundry or even eating and I don't want to do any of the above. Instead I want to sleep. It's the only time I don't have to think or remember that once again I don't get to have my baby. Sleep...

4 comments:

Jack's Mommy said...

Sending you tons of love and prayers!

-Karry

mrsmuelly said...

All hope is not lost, even thought I know it feels like that now. Put your feelings down here. Let yourself feel it all. Praying for strength for you today.

Allison (Dashiell's Mom) said...

Manda,

Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm so angry that you're going through this again. I know there are not words. Please know that lots of healing thoughts and prayers are coming your way.

Allison

theviewfromthisplace said...

I understand this feeling. When I had my first loss it was all i could handle but i just didn't know how i would get through my second loss. i'm still processing it. when i get into bed i am grateful that another day has gone by and that i about to drift off into a peaceful slumber. morning are the worst, especially now with this beautiful weather we are having here. it just sucks, i feel like screaming that beautiful days are no longer allowed until i have a living child to enjoy them with. sigh...