Catch up

It's been a week since my last post so I have quite a bit to catch you all up on. So here goes... Friday was my first day back to work. I was really anxious but overall it didn't go too bad. I spent a good part of the morning "catching up" with the girls I work with. They were so sweet and listened to everything that I have been going through. Then we went to lunch for our favorite stuff at Ruby Tuesday. Then I ended up leaving early b/c I had to go get Tommy since we are down to 1 car right now. I was only there for 6 hrs but at times it seemed a lot longer. Then we had to get ready and go to the wedding rehearsal for the wedding Tommy was in. As soon as we get there the groom's nephew who is 6 months is there. He is so cute but it definatly caused a stab in the heart being around him. There wasnt anyone to watch him at the church so I did. I love him but it was really hard to keep it together. Then after we went to the rehearsal dinner. Again it was nice to be around friends. After dinner all the groomsmen were going to the grooms house to spend the night. I really didnt want Tommy to go but I couldnt tell him that, so I kissed him, told him to have fun and be careful and let him go. But as soon as he was gone I lost it! COMPLETELY! It was that hard, full body shaking sob where you cant stop. I came home grabbed one of Logans stuffed animals, went into the nursery and cried till I had no tears left. ITS NOT FAIR! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE IN THE SMALL GROUP THAT LOSE MORE THAN ONCE, WHILE OTHERS TAKE HOME THERE RAINBOW BABIES EVERY DAY. I SHOULD BE... Why??? I dont know if I am strong enough to survive this time. Everyone keeps saying your so strong, your amazing, what if its all a facade and in reality I am weak, lost, terrified and well just plain ANGRY! I want my babies! I can hardly believe that in the matter of 11 months & 4 days I lost not 1 but 2 babies. I dont think even the strongest, bravest person could survive that. So what chance do I have. These are the things I think when I am alone with my thoughts and my grief.

Saturday was the wedding. Tommy looked so handsome and many told me I looked beautiful although I didnt feel that way. I felt on the verge of a breakdown most of the day, but somehow I held it together. I even had a few moments of "fun" and enjoyed myself at times. But it was always there in the back to bring me back to reality. Plus it was really hard to be away from Tommy most of the day. Since he was with the wedding party and all. But we did have a couple nice slow dances where we held each other close. I love him so very much! It was a beautiful wedding and a great party. We fell into bed after 12am, exhausted from the day. Sunday we both slept in. We had a BBQ at the bride & grooms house in the afternoon. Again we were around the baby boy and this time Tommy was holding him. That is even harder than me holding him. All I could think is he should be holding his baby boy, Logan. And that I let both of them down. I know its not my fault but I still cant help feeling guilty and like it was my responsibility. Tommy will be such a wonderful dad and what if b/c of me he never is. Sigh.. I really HATE my life right now. All I want is a healthy baby THAT COMES HOME! I dont think that too much to ask. Grrrrrrr!!!! So after being there a couple hours I was done, but Tommy wanted to stay, so again rather than ask him to come home with me I left him there and went home by myself. And once again the tears flowed, flowed and flowed till there was no more. Thats become my life. THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT!!

Ok so I think that's enough doom and gloom. Here are some pictures from the weekend. Enjoy!

Tommy & I at the rehearsal dinner


Carter & His beautiful mommy Chelsea

Tommy & I at the wedding

My Handsome Hubby

The Bride & Groom

Tommy & Kenny- Best Buds

Chels & I being goofy

A nice one

EDD- August 19th

Yesterday was Logan's EDD (estimated due date). For anyone that has been pregnant we all know the chances of our baby being born that day are very slim and that it is just an estimation, but that day is the basis of everything. It controls what week we are in, how old our little ones are, and how much time til we meet them face to face, til we hold them in our arms. But once your baby is born "sleeping" that date suddenly holds pain and sorrow. The date that held so much hope suddenly is just another date that will hurt for the rest of your life. See when you become a deadbaby mamma there are only a few things you have to "hold on to" about your babies. I have the few precious pictures that were taken, the stuffed animal that they "held", the outfit they wore, their footprints/hand prints, heart necklaces with their names that I wear around my neck and hold when the tears flow and then there are the dates. The day we found out we were pregnant, the day we found out it was a girl/boy, the day I first felt them move, then the day that I was told that my baby would be born "sleeping" and never come home, their due date, and finally the day we said goodbye and buried them. I should be bringing home my baby boy, worrying about if he is eating enough, or figuring out his cries. But once again that isn't my life.

One of my fellow deadbaby mamma's told us that once again there is a new member to the club. But as we all know its not a happy club or a club any of us want to be part of. But there is a poor mommy and her family out there grieving the loss of their little girl that wont be coming home. Why does this keep happening? With all the advances in science isn't there something that can be done to prevent this pain/heartache? Why does someone that doesn't want a baby have such an easy time, while those that would give anything/everything for a baby have their dreams shattered once or more? So many questions, no answers. Back to living one day at a time. Anything more is too painful.

Keep the Rhoades family in your thoughts and prayers. We all know too well the pain they are suffering.

Two Weeks

It's 1:30 and I just realized that at this time two weeks ago my nightmare started. I was at my OB's office for my weekly check. I was so hoping he would tell me I was dilated and would go anytime. But we never got that far. He always started by getting the heartbeat. He tried, tried and tried some more. He even said little boy stop playing your scaring your mommy. I held it together, somehow. He said lets go get a sonogram. The hospital is ajoining so we immediately walked over there. They were waiting for us, got me down right away. The screen was at an angle so that I couldn't see what they were looking at. I was crying but kept thinking he is just playing he'll be ok. He has to be. But once again those horrible words that have haunted me and will continue to. I'm sorry there is no heartbeat. What? He was just fine, I was here 4 days ago and he was fine. Why??? I kept saying I cant do this again, how to I tell Tommy or anyone else. They wheeled me upstairs, my wonderful OB never left my side. He even tried to call Tommy and tell him. I started making calls. I knew what had to be done and what was to come. I knew...

I can't believe its been 2 wks, some days it feels like yesterday. I don't want to be here again. I want my baby boy. I went through this once and sure I eventually got stronger but this time I don't see any hope. I can't imagine being happy again. WHY? WHY? WHY? My heart is broken. I need to be cleaning, doing laundry or even eating and I don't want to do any of the above. Instead I want to sleep. It's the only time I don't have to think or remember that once again I don't get to have my baby. Sleep...

Random Thoughts

These are my random thoughts from this week. Most of them are venting/ranting. But it's my blog and this is the place to put these thoughts down. So here goes...

When I got on the internet this morning one of the stories on my homepage was a women in Egypt who had 7 babies. Seven, are you kidding me! She can carry 7, they all live with no problems but I cant have my 1. Grrrr!! I really don't think I am asking that much that I have one baby. I never thought I wanted to have an only child but now if that is all I can have then that will be ok. I just want a baby. Right now I want Logan, but we all know that wont happen. So the next best I can hope for is that the next 9 months go fast really fast and I can find answers so that I can get pregnant again and HOPEFULLY that time I'll bring my baby home.

On the same note I used to like the show Jon & Kate Plus 8. I loved watching the little kids. Now I don't even want to see the commercials on TLC, b/c its a constant reminder again of them getting 6 babies and I didn't get my one. I hate that the things that used to bring me joy, such as babies, kids and even other pregnant people now make me cringe and turn away, change the channel etc. I remember feeling this way last year too.

List of things I am dreading...

I am dreading packing up the nursery once again. Except this time it was ready. Last time I had one box of clothes and other stuff for Emma. This time I will have boxes, boxes and more of clothes, books, blankets, towels, toys, bottles, lotions and all the other baby stuff. This time I had washed several loads of clothes etc and put them in his dresser, already for him to wear. Sigh...

I am dreading his EDD (estimated due date) on Tuesday. I should either be pregnant still or have a newborn to care for.

I am dreading when we have to bury his remains. I haven't been back since we buried Emma and now the first time I'll go back will be to bury her little brother with her. I guess its good we haven't been able to get a headstone for Emma yet, b/c now we can get one for the both of them. These are not the things I want to be doing or worrying about.

I am dreading the wedding next weekend b/c I told so many that Logan would be at the wedding. I insisted I wouldn't still be pregnant. He should be there with us. Instead I am going to have to explain what happened, why etc. And I am sure at least one person wont know and will ask- Did you have the baby? I just hope I can hold it together all day.

I am dreading going back to work b/c again its going to be so many questions and I know everyone will want to hug me and offer condolences and I will have to hold it together once again. I appreciate everyone being so kind and loving but its still going to be so hard. I know I will be thinking last time I sat in my office I was pregnant. Now I'll have pics of my 2 babies that aren't with me. When did this become my life and why? Haven't I been through enough, apparently not. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger? Sounds like a bunch of crap if you ask me.

I am dreading the next week, month, year... I hate being a deadbaby momma TWICE!!!

Saturday- Finding A Dress

So about yesterday, Saturday. I had to go find a dress for a wedding next weekend of our good friends. Tommy is in the wedding so I really want to look nice even though I may not feel the greatest. And I am really self conscious about my belly right now. I dont want to look pregnant. Plus the only thing that fits me right now are maternity clothes, so needless to say I need something new. One of my BF went with me to offer help and just in general be supportive. First she wanted to take me to lunch so we went to Eat N' Park. Of course we ended up w/ the only pregnant waitress in the place, the table behind us the lady was prego and then another one about 3 tables down. So of course I am feeling surrounded. But I held it together. And I just kept being very sarcastic, guess that was my way of dealing so that I didnt completely lose it. Then to top it all off right before we're leaving a mom and dad come in w/ twins. Once again a slap in the face, she got 2 healthy perfect babies at once. And I couldnt even have one. Grrr!! Needless to say it was definatly time to get out of there.

So we went to our local mall which doesnt have a ton of options, the first store Maurices I tried on a bunch of dresses plus some other stuff I can wear for work. They were having great sales 60 % off clearance that was already marked down. So I got a bunch of stuff for work, but didnt find a dress yet. So then we went to JcPenney. Turns out they too were having sales on all there fancy dresses. So I tried on like 10 different dresses and found one that works. It is really pretty, hides my belly, actuantes the good stuff and is longer, so it covers my pasty white legs ( I dont tan). So it had everything I was looking for, plus it was originally $90 and I got it for $50. So that was good too. Got some nice jewelry to go with it as well. (I'll post pics of it and us next weekend.) Again I managed to hold it together. Well then I had to pick up pictures I had dropped off, pictures of friends/family holding Logan after he was born. So I finally let myself lose it. Tears, more tears and the usual thoughts... Its unfair!!! I WANT MY BABY!!!!

Friday- Errands

So its currently 6am and I have been up for over an hour cause I cant sleep. So I thought what the heck I'll come on here and post about the last 2 days. So first Friday...

As usual mornings are so hard. The waking up and bam the reality of what is hits you. So I had my cries and finally left the house about 1pm. Yea, it took that long. So first I had to go to the hospital to have blood work to test for the clotting disorder. They took about 10-12 tubes of blood. And I HATE needles. So the poor nurse as soon as she pricked me, I burst into tears. She asked if she hurt me and before I could stop myself I said, no I just lost my second baby at term. She was so sweet and kept saying how sorry she was. I cried through the whole thing but it was good in one way cause I wasnt even thinking about what she was doing. Last time I had to have several tubes taken I almost passed out. So then I left the hospital and had to go get some stuff at the store. The first store went ok, meaning I held it together. Second one as soon as I get in the door I ran into my good friend and her little girl Lilly. Before I know it she asks me to keep her for a bit while she runs up to a costume shop b/c she was afraid last time she took her. She did ask if it was ok, but ever feel like even if you wanted to you cant say no. Kinda how I felt. But again it went better than I thought, she kept me busy and I couldnt think about everything else. I did run into one of the nurses from my OB office, she was asking how I was doing and so forth. Lilly heard me say about losing a baby and after we were done talking she said you lost another baby. And I said yes remember when Logan was in my tummy, while he's gone just like Emma. Then she pointed to my necklaces and I said I wear 2 hearts one with each of their names. Kids understand so much. I made it out of there and to my car before I broke down. I figured that wasnt too bad for being out in public for the first time. Spent the rest of the evening with Tommy and our "kids" Maggie (black lab) and Charlie (my kitty cat).



Charlie & Me



Tommy & Maggie

Ok so its now after 7am and I can barely keep my eyes open, so I am going to go back to bed. I'll be back later with my post about yesterday.

News, Good & Bad

My day went a bit better, but not much. I did go get my hair cut, it really needed it. After my hair cut I went to my parents. I then spent the next 3 hours with my mom. It was nice to catch up with her. Short version is we haven't been close for about 5.5 yrs, except for when we lost Emma and now with the passing of Logan. But anyway she showed me the quilt she had been making for Logan. It is so nice. (Once its done I'll post a picture) She is going to add Emma's name to it and then in the future any other children we have will be added as well. It was so touching but it of course made me cry b/c he should be here to lay on that quilt. Sigh...

While I was sitting visiting with my mom, my OB called me with test results. Logan's autopsy came back all normal, he had no problems. He was perfect just as we suspected. That of course was good news but then the bad news. The results from my placenta showed scar tissue. He explained it like a filter and how it would sift out the dirt etc. but when it becomes clogged nothing can get through. That is what happened with my placenta it became clogged and eventually it wouldn't allow Logan to get any oxygen which in turn caused his demise. There are 3 reasons this happens usually. 1. High blood pressure- didn't have 2. Smoking- don't do that 3. Clotting disorder So tomorrow I am going to have blood work to see if I have a clotting disorder. From what I have researched online it is called Antiphospholipid syndrome. There are varying types but the most common is an easy fix, an aspirin a day or blood thinner shots. This is all good news for next time.

But I now have to deal with the fact that something with me caused my little boy to pass. Something isn't quite right with me and I hurt him. I know there is nothing I could have done b/c I didn't know but that doesn't help in anyway what so ever. I feel as though I failed him and I don't know if I'll ever get over that. Once again there are so many what ifs or should haves. Why didn't I do research after Emma and think to have more testing on me? I might have found out about the clotting disorder and Logan would be in my arms rather than an urn. Last time it seemed so simple and like lightening striking Emma getting a knot in her cord. That's what we were told. And we accepted that as the last story. If only...

Once again I have so many unanswered questions. I just hope that after this blood work it comes back with the clotting disorder because if not I don't know where we will go. I guess I'll take it one day at a time. That's certainly becoming my mantra, b/c that is all I can handle.

It's Been a Week & Two Days

Today is a BAD day! I had to force myself to get out of bed, force myself to eat, because I know its what I should do but all I want to do is sleep. Its the only time I dont hurt. Of course then the cold truth hits me square in the face and I realize once again I have no baby. For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be mom. I've never cared if I had a career, I always felt my greatest job would be to be a mommy. And now twice its been in my grasp and then ripped away! I truly felt that this time, even though I was scared everyday, that I would bring my baby boy home. Instead I find myself in the same nightmare I was in last year. And I am weeks away from it being a year since Emma passed. I wanted to do something special for her that day but now I dont know. I dont know how I am going to survive the next year. I know its for the best if I give my body time to heal. Being pregnant for 18 months has been hard on me and I need time to heal. Plus I need answers as to why this happened. Is there something wrong with me that is causing my babies to pass? I just hope we get answers whether they be bad/good. I also hope with everything that I have that next summer we can say we are pregnant again. I want my rainbow baby!!!

Tommy brought home Logan's urn last night. It is sitting downstairs next to Emma's picture. Its hard to believe that is all that is left of our baby boy. Today I have been holding/hugging his kitty cat the nurses gave him and a blue stuffed dog that his grandma bought for him. It records a message. Weeks ago I recorded, "Logan, mommy loves you." I had forgotten about it until today. I was sitting in his room hugging it, crying and there it was. It hurts that he'll never hear that recording, he'll never sleep in the bassinet that is all ready for him, or play with the toys so many got for him. Once again, I'll never know what he would have looked like at 3 or 10 or even as a grown up. WHY???? Why do others get to bring their babies home while I dont? I really dont understand. If your reading this please understand I am so happy for anyone that gets their rainbow baby, I just wish I was one of them. By the time I hopefully get our rainbow baby, it will have been over 2 yrs since Emma and over 1 since Logan.

One day at time...I have to keep reminding myself of that. Maybe tomorrow will be an "ok" day....

Logan & Emma- Mommy loves you both so very much. She will always miss you. You took pieces of my heart with you and it will never be whole again. XOXOXOXOXO

Our Story...

I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll start in March 2007. It was March 5, and we had just gotten back from a Caribbean cruise. I hadnt got my visit from AF like I was supposed to during the cruise. But I also wasn't expecting to get a BFP (big fat positive) pregnancy test. But there it was 2 pink lines. I ran down and shocked Tommy with the news. We both couldn't believe our eyes. He even had me go to the store and get another test, just to make sure. This time I got the one that said pregnant/not pregnant, so there was no lines to read. Big as life there it was again. WE WERE PREGNANT! My pregnancy was perfect, no morning sickness, every appt we were both great. I knew from day 1 it was a girl. My feeling was confirmed on June 28. Emma LaRue was due November 4th. But that wasnt to be. On Sept 1st, I woke up about 10 am and instantly knew something wasnt right. I immediatly went to the hospital, they hooked me up for monitoring. First thing they try to find is the baby's heartbeat. They tried for almost an hour on and off. The nurses couldnt tell me what I already knew. She was gone, something had gone terribly wrong. My ob was out of town so they called in Dr. M. He immedialy did an ultrasound and then I heard the words that still ring in my head. "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat." I lost it, the Dr. grabbed me in a huge bear hug and cried with me. After a few min. I pulled myself together and asked what now? I would have to be induced and give birth to my baby girl but she wouldnt cry or take a breath. The rest of the day is kinda a blur. I remember bits and peices. Emma LaRue was born at 7:22pm, 2lbs, 3oz, 15 inches and perfect in everyway. She had gotten a true knot in her cord and it had proved fatal. Her daddy and I held her and told her how much she was loved and would forever be missed. The following day we said our goodbyes and we left the hospital with a box of memories rather than our baby girl. Emma was buried with her great grandma who her middle name is after on Sept. 6th.

The next few weeks/months I tried to survive my loss. Someday were ok, others were terrible. Eventually the ok days became more. In Nov. we were told it would be ok to try again. Dec. was our first try and on Dec. 23 I again took a pregnancy test. Once again there was that word. PREGNANT. We were so excited but scared. This time I knew it was a boy. And in April again this was confirmed. We were so excited. In June I reached the point were we lost Emma, 31 weeks and I was a nervous wreck. We had an ultrasound and everything looked great. On July 12th, my bf and SIL threw us a baby shower. It was so nice. We started setting his room up and we were pretty much ready. On July 31st I went in for my first NST, I was 37 wks. Logan wasnt responding the way they wanted, as far as his heart rate excelerating when he was moving. After 3 hrs. my ob decided to start in IV of pitocin and see if he could handle me having contractions. He passed, it wasnt with flying colors but it was good enough. So they made sure the contractions slowed and stopped, then sent me home. Once again I was a nervous wreck. Monday Aug. 4th I went for my regular OB appt, he couldnt find Logan's heartbeat with the doppler, so we went over to the hospital which is ajoining for a sonagram. My ob never left my side. The tech got me down and looked for what seemed like forever. I was trying so hard to hold it together. I thought at any moment they would say there it is, he is ok, he was just playing. No such luck. Again I heard those awful words. There is no heartbeat. I lost it, crying even yelling a bit. They got me a wheelchair and took me upstairs. I knew what was to come, I didnt even have to ask this time. They took me into the same room I had been in for the NST the other day. Why hadnt i just ask him to induce me? He would have been fine. He was term. HE WOULD BE HERE!!! But I didnt. And once again I would give birth to a baby that would never cry or breath. He would be sleeping just like his big sister. Through the tears I called family and friends, I knew I/we would need all the support we could get. I could hear the shock in everyones voice, I know many of them thought I was calling to say I was in labor. But again I had to tell them our baby was gone. Telling Tommy was the hardest, I felt as though I had let him down once again. It was my job to keep them safe and I had failed once again. He left his job and rushed to my side. We both knew what was to come. We knew that we would want as many pictures as possible b/c the few we have of Emma are very special to us. This time there was a photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, who would come in and take black and whites for us. We also knew that we wanted pictures of anyone else that held him, family/friends. We shouldnt have know these things but we did. After about 40 min. of pushing Logan Thomas was born at 9:19pm, again perfect in everyway. 5lbs. 8oz. 18 inches. He was beautiful, if only he would take a breath. But again it wasnt to be. We held him, kissed him and I tried to memorize everything about him. The next morning NILMDTS came in and took the pictures.( A few are to the right) Then we kissed him and said our goodbye's. We once again left the hospital with a box rather than a baby. No one should have to lose a child, but to lose 2 is just plain cruel and unfair!

The following day we went back to the same funeral home where we had Emma. They had everything on file. It was pretty simple, same info as Emma, just changed the name. Again it shouldnt have been this way, but it was. There was one big difference this time, Logan would be cremated then buried with Emma at a later time. We also opted for an autopsy. We need answers as to why this happened and hopefully just maybe we can prevent it. On Aug. 8th, we had a visitation and service for Logan. I wore the same outfit that I did for Emma's funeral. Many came to give their condolences. I felt completely drained when it was all over. We came back to the house, they brought all the flowers in and once again so many tried to comfort us. But there are no words this time, only tears.